Fresh out of leaving

[Llgirl]

I’m starting to see what a life without rules looks like, a life without being on high alert all the time

No X days, who says?
X in the kitchen is a no go, for what reason, why?

No.

We’re living without rules, but yet, the feeling of breaking them, the fear that’s slightly underneath it all.

Is lurking.

I can feel it, almost as if I’m being that child that’s stayed up past their bedtime, or scrolled on their phone when they should be asleep.

I know I’m breaking them, and I guess the fact I have the feeling of being bad, of feeling I’m doing wrong, shows me, proves to me.

I’m
Not
Mad

It’s not all my head, it’s not a figment of my imagination. The fear I felt that made me shake and switch it all off, it’s present still.

I know we’re breaking rules and I feel myself wanting to punish myself for breaking them, waiting for a consequence that doesn’t quite arise.
I found comfort in the rules and the chaos, it’s what we knew, how we operated, and it all feels unsafe right now. The freedom feels unsafe because it’s so ingrained in my head to follow the rules. When I’m breaking them I keep waiting for something awful to happen.

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Things will move and turn and keep moving, the rules will be broken but it feels wrong. Even though he was allowed to break them all, make them and break them but we had to follow.

How can you miss something so awful? How can I wish I still had my home and my life even though all of that was a lie?

Promised something that was never going to be. Abused by someone who said they loved me.

We’re out here breaking the rules and trying to make a new routine whilst figuring out what was a rule and what made sense?

Not knowing which bit of my brain to trust, still ciphering through the voices in my head working out which one is his so I can cut it dead. Trying to trust my own voice which can feel booming one morning and then by the afternoon incredibly small.

I know we’ll get there, I know we’ll have our own home. But I’m still haunted by our old home life memories.

He’s like a coin, that would flip and turn a million times a day. Always hoping you’d get sunny side up, and I guess that’s the part I miss, the sunny side up. But it was a lie, there was dark clouds in the sky. I just chose to see the sunshine hoping that the coin would melt down and become one.

Sunny side up.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Llgirl,

What you are feeling is normal.
It will take time to adjust to your new life.
It is the trauma bond that makes you miss and crave the old life, Google it if you haven’t heard of it.

Keep thinking of sunny side up in your new life, you have a future ahead of you that is bright and wonderful.
You deserve happiness after all you have been through.

I still feel guilty for breaking the rules, I never used to be allowed a shower.
Now I still get anxious when I think about having one and I have to build myself up to taking the shower.
It sounds bonkers but I physically can’t bring myself to do it without mentally preparing myself for it!!

We used to have to be quiet in the mornings so a not to wake ex up.
He was always in a bad mood upon waking whether he was woken or not.
He would shout at the kids and me , I sometimes took them out so the house was quiet but ex then accused me of having affairs, so it was a lose lose situation for me.
Take care and keep posting xx

[Llgirl]

It’s so comforting to hear I’m not alone, thank you for sharing your experience. Because he never specifically said you can’t do this it was just I knew it wasn’t allowed or doing it would result in me being told, or an argument, it makes you feel slightly crazy, was it really a rule? Am I mad? It’s so good to hear other people are feeling the same, not good but you know what I mean. I feel the guilt too still.

It’s always a lose situation, I was the same, I could do 100 things right but if I did that one thing wrong.. it was always a lose situation.

[Footballfan1]

I know what you mean, it was often unspoken rules.
You just knew you shouldn’t do it.
They then twist it when it suits, telling you they never stopped you doing those things, it’s all in your head.

The rules would change without warning, and you had to be psychic and know the new rules.
You will find peace and closure, our journey to recovery only starts once we are feeling safe and out of the situation xx

[Llgirl]

I was told I needed to look at why I felt fear for doing or not doing certain things and he would then slacken the rules off and move the goal posts and when nothing bad happened I’d think oh it must be in my head then?

I’ve looked at trauma bonding and it rings really true, I feel constantly up and down at the moment, the amount of things to sort out leaves my head pounding every day. I also feel guilty for having a shorter fuse with my kids, I feel so stressed all the time and it’s so hard to be happy and fun when they’re both playing up, not listening to me at all. Then I feel guilty when they’re in bed. It’s so hard isn’t it. I just hope things are going to get easier.

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