Friend has said I have brought this on myself.

[Agile-Kiwi]

I am (detail removed by Moderator) pregnant, I am not with the father of the child, but we are in contact with each other daily. We have argued since I told him I am pregnant. He has been physically abusive to me on (detail removed by Moderator) occasions, over the span of a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship. We have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can remember. I have tried walking away, but he has always found a way back into my life. My friend said that I have self-inflicted this on myself, which made me feel so misunderstood

My friends held an ‘intervention’ (detail removed by Moderator), letting me know that they are worried about him being a part of the baby’s life. I feel as if I have a dissociation from what this man has done to me, and I have almost normalised this. I believe that my friends are overreacting and that everything is going to be okay.

I honestly am having doubts about carrying this child to full term and feel like I am a terrible person for wanting to have this baby.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Agile-Kiwi

I hope your friends are doing this out of love and concern for you, I feel that they probably are, right? Do you feel they are good friends and have your back?

If they are, they may see things easier than you do, because you are too close iyswim? Like you can’t see the wood for the trees, because you are in the middle of the trees, you have to walk away from the trees to be able to see the wood, no?

I don’t believe this makes you a bad person, but you do have a problem that is never going to go away all the while he knows he’s father to a baby that you carry, and will birth and he will potentially take you to court to pursue child access arrangements, even though you know him to be an unreliable father, one whom you continually break up with and have a yoyo relationship with.

Its common for the woman to not realise how bad it is, this is what you have already said is normalising it. You have to normalise to be able to function within the relationship, which means listening to his manipulations as to why he was bad to you, why he called you names, and why he may hit you, and tell you he will never hit a woman ‘except when…’

Personally, and this is purely from my own experience, I would hide my pregnancy and move away, to be sure he could not find me or the baby, and not make any claim on it, however, that would also mean that you might not get any financial support for the baby from maintenance. Please do read all the stories posted on here of women’s experiences trying to get away from an abuser when they have children with them.

You have choices, and you, and your friends, have been brave to confront this, to ask about it, to open yourselves up to conversation around it. The more open you are the more you can hear and learn to help you make some good choices for yourself and your baby. Are you in a position to support yourself, not just financially although they are incredibly expenses little bundles! I mean also emotionally and psychologically, to go through this pregnancy and beyond feeling that you can be a confident mum, that you have the good family and/or friends around to help?

Take your time, and speak to others, ask your friends maybe what they see that they are so worried about, bring your questions here if you need, so that you can check out what others think and how you feel about it. There’s lots to think about, but you can do this, take it one step at a time so you can make the right decidions for you.

warmest wishes, and congratulations

ts

[older lady]

You are certainly not a terrible person for wanting to have your baby. Hold on to every source of support you have and don’t get isolated from people who care about you, or services that can help you if you need it. My best wishes and congratulations, too.

[Goldensands]

You absolutely have not brought this on yourself.
One of my friends got mad at me one day when they saw a bruise on me. And said they couldn’t believe I was still putting up with it. They didn’t want to talk to me again (but did apologise later on). People don’t always understand that it’s really not that easy. It’s very confusing, when you love the person, but they’re treating you like that. I tried many times to break it off with him. But he wouldn’t leave me alone and I loved him, so it was so hard.
However, with a baby on the way, your health is so important. And your and your baby’s safety. Also, be aware that some of these men are capable of making up lies about you, saying you’re unfit, you’re crazy, on drugs, etc in order to take your baby/child from you.
As for your friends, it sounds like they have yours and your baby’s best interests and safety at heart. It’s understandable they’d be so concerned. But I do find that in a way it feels we have another layer of control… if that makes sense. So ultimately the decision must be yours.

[Author]

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