Friends

[shine bright 2]

Hi all,
Im not sure how people are on here from.when I was first on. Things have changed so.much for me. He is facing some serious consequences ans I am feeling free. He dealt out the most unbelievable punishments for not being what he wanted and trying to leave. Now I am free. After (detail removed by Moderator)years I am brave anough to leave the lid up on the washing liquid…because I can. I can sleep when I want I can live without being afraid..its amazing
The problem is Ive lost friends and family. I am fasting an its Fathers day too. It just feels miserable and lonely. I have friends but sometimes the weekend seems so long. Love my kids but dont have adult company. Im not sure I even know how to make friends anymore. Its hard because I work and have the kids. Anyone got ideas? I need to take my mind off other stuff.

[lover of no contact]

Hi shinebright2,

Just wanted to say if you got free its possible for anyone. I thought you would never be rid of him. Miracles do happen and you reaching out for various supports got the ball rolling towards freedom for you and your children. I can’t believe he is facing serious consequences. Just goes to show they are not invincible. They think they are. Abusers think they can go on abusing left right and centre their loved ones and they will get away with it. So gald you’re free and starting to live again.

The first step in making a life for yourself besides the children and work is to have the desire to start living. When with the abuser I was too busy surviving to be living. Its great when we have the peace in the home and in our emotions to start socializing and living.

I’ve no major advice except to say I’m so glad you’re free. I too find my feelings of loneliness can come up at weekends, purely because I have the space to let these feelings come up. But over time these feelings get less and less.

I keep reading the posts on this Forum and I get a lot of wisdom and guidance and ideas on how to start living.

Small steps though. You have done amazing. Recovery after being in an abusive relationship has its highs and lows, all normal.

[Nova]

Shine bright 2.. Just to say great to hear your beginning a new life free!

so far..in my experience its honestly ups and downs …with a lot more potential & options…it takes some getting used to.its finding little things to do around you…even I started by sorting out my stuff and re arranging my furniture my bedroom, buying new covets covers, chucking reminders…that I don’t need! Watching empowering videos
Some counselling with other survivors, reading & talking is so helpful…it takes you in different directions & changes our mindset.

It takes some research to re build…which is fine as its purposeful.
I did a short course, started job researching a bit of this & that, nothing major, all sorts make up the realistic (that’s the point realistic!) changes..and shift in thinking…what we think can and can’t be achieved (because of the systematic demoralising and bullying) building self confidence and getting yourself back…just to relax and not feel fear, day & night…is such a big deal and it’s a hurdle to take slowly, so go easy on yourself, you’ve made the biggest steps already!

Great! 😉

Cx

[White Rose]

Hi shine bright. It’s been a long journey but you got there!
The friends come with time it seems, and with allowing ourselves to trust ourselves to make friends.
I manage a couple of evenings doing things I love which are great but still feel I lack many true friends…hence why I say time will help. It’s really hard with younger children mine’s old enough to look after herself now so it may be being “someone’s mum” will be your key at the moment.
I’m pleased you can leave you washing up liquid lid up now without stress and I hope you let it dribble down the side of the bottle too!!!
It’s those daft little things that let you know you’re safe now. Hope your break of fast was a happy time tonight x*x 😆

[Confused123]

Hi Lovely

so nice to hear the progress you have made, i tend to just go to the gym to keep myself busy, mediate , and study a lot, buidling friends again is another process, u will get there, i cant say i have loads of friends either, but anyone in my company is of only positive vibe.

[shine bright 2]

Thanks for the lovely replies
Im getting there. Im still struggling with guilt sometimes ..feeling I shouldnt have made a fuss, shouldnt have told people etc. But the importance of getting away really struck me the other day. I was frustarted at slow progress and other problems…took it out on someone who has been involves in my case for along while. Had a go. This person showed me his phone and basically said these are all the messages I have from people who have been desperately worried about u and his colleague said “yeah there was a time when i wud wake up in the morni g thinking about ur case” suddenly hit home how bad thigs was.
I guess friendhsip might take some time. Its scarey when I have always had family, but also when I have something really bad to get through. People on here have helped me so much. So many times. I remember all sorts of advise from making scars fade to when I was terrifies i was pregnant again.Thank u so much

[Tiffany]

Shine bright 2, I too have struggled feeling that I have no friends. My ex made me feel so profoundly unlikeable I really believed I had no friends. Since leaving I have realised a few things. Firstly I am not unlikeable. Secondly people who I lost touch with due to abuse still want to be my friend. Thirdly, if I reach out then people will spend time with me even if we aren’t already close.

I am trying out a combined approach of being shameless in my search for friends. Contacting people with variations on ‘I like you, can we spend time together’ is good. Hopefully you get to follow it up with ‘I enjoyed spending time with you, can we be friends and do this again regularly’. The other half of my system is saying yes to all offers. So recently I have gone to a fun fair, climbed a mountain, drunk cider in a park, watched roller derby, gone dancing in an Irish bar, gone to Ikea, watched a friends partners work lose a raft race and played Carcassonne.

I had tried maybe three of these things in my childhood. (I’ll leave which as a mystery). I had done none of them during my abusive relationship. But I would do most of them again and it is a good way to find new interests, spend time with interesting people and generally get out of a rut.

If this doesn’t sound possible could you join a club or class. It takes a while before you get to know people well enough to decide if you want to make friends with them, but once you do you can apply the brazen approach to them. More people than you can imagine are lonely – even when they have no apparent problems. It just takes a bit of courage to admit that you are one of them and open up to people. And if you have survived abuse and managed to leave then you have courage!

In cyber friendship, Tiffany

[shine bright 2]

Thanks Tiffany…all sounds amazing. Its hard cos I nevee have babysitter…what they call catch 22 i guess. No friends no baby sit so.I cant go and make friends. Love every minute with kids but sometimes want adult company.

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