Friends

[HunkyDory]

An old friend contacted me. We chatted for a long time on the phone. We used to be close, a small group of us then after I married I was slowly isolated from everyone so we eventually lost touch. I’d messaged them (2of my old friends) to tell them we’d separated. They both immediately responded and were supportive and concerned.

They want to meet up soon and I’m feeling mixed about it. Half of me wants to (I have a whole social life waiting there for me) but I also know they’ll want to know “what’s gone on”. I know I’m not obliged to spill everything to anyone who asks but these ladies I’ve known for a long time and I’d feel bad lying to them like I have so far basically saying we just drifted apart. I’m struggling to understand why I don’t want to tell the truth. Am I scared of sounding weak? Being pulled into a social life I’m not sure I want any more? Not wanting people to hate my ex for some reason?

I’m not sure I’m even asking a question here but have any of you been in a similar situation?

Thanks HD X

[fizzylem]

Hey HD!

It’s just not the right time that’s all chick; maybe because you’re still working stuff out? Feel you cant quite put what you want to say into words yet?

Can you say, something like, I’m not ready to talk about it yet, I can say xxxxx but that’s all for now, however! When I am ready I do know you’d be perfect! For now I just want to reconnect and enjoy your company as I have missed you and this is what I need – what I feel we all need.

Wishing you all good things sister – good to hear from you – great to read you’re reaching out and going to have a go at re establsihing some good old friendships – go you x*x

[HunkyDory]

Thank you Fizzylem that’s a great idea, I like the words ❤️ I wish you all good things too sister, you’re always there with words of wisdom 😘 xx

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar position with 2 old friends who I became isolated from reaching out recently. They were delighted to hear I had got rid. I don’t think I will ever share the extent of what I went through. This is where this safe space works for me. Reading others stories knowing I’m not going mad. They know he was an a*****e because they have eyes and ears and was not blinded like me. Fingers crossed for you as you reconnect xx

[HunkyDory]

Hi kilngirl, it’s hard isn’t it? One friend knew him a little, she came to our wedding (we married abroad) but as far as she knows everything was going fine because as with everyone I became a master at portraying a perfect life when the truth was very different.

I hope you find the right time too to reconnect to your friends. I know it’s going to be good for me but taking that big step outside my safe little cocoon where very few people know the truth is daunting.

Strength to you too girl xx

[Tiffany]

“He was controlling” is a good line if you don’t want to go into details, but also don’t want to lie. It’s not full and gory details, but it is enough that they understand a bit and can be supportive. It also doesn’t really invite further questions. I was engaged to my abuser, and moved back to my my hometown when we split. There’s a pretty strong community around here, which I like but a lot of well meaning people asked me about my abuser and our wedding plans. “He was controlling so I left him” was the best response I came up with to respond to then. It also has the bonus that no one will try and persuade you to work on things with him, or that you were just incompatible or anything.

[HunkyDory]

Thanks Tiffany- yes it‘s just enough information to not need any further explanation, very useful thanks x

[diymum@1]

i was honest and spilled everything but then i had been traumatised – im from a tight nit community here so they new anyway. i wish now i could have held my cards closer to my chest. i feel we are victim blamed by people who have never been through this in my opinion they dont understand. unless theyve experienced this they dont get the dynamic even the most intelligent off my friends will say i never understood why you didnt leave? it leaves us frustrated trying to explain stolkholm syndrome etc etc. pick who you tell – i personally stick to the survivors off dv the rest i meet and say no work talk no personal talk just have fun- go out and enjoy the moment when you can because we have already missed out on this when were in a controlling relationship. end of the day we all know survivors of dv are victim blamed which is down to ignorance. know you are strong you dont have to prove yourself because your stronger than strong after what youve come through xxxx

[Brave]

Hi HunkyDory
I’ve found myself in this situation recently too and understand the difficulties. I’m trying to work out the best way to handle things – I find I use different lines with different people, depending how well I know them. Writing Christmas cards this year, I told friends that we had separated – in some I also added that I am feeling happier now. Which is true, but does not give any reasons for the separation.

I too had spent a long time pretending that all was well (to myself included), so I can see how difficult it can be for friends to understand the situation. Good, old friends, however, accept us for who and what we are, I think, and that is worth its weight in gold. I am finding that meeting new people who are open and welcoming and friendly is a breath of fresh air. Mostly I keep it light and ask about them; it is good to be socialising normally with people – I don’t seek support from new people, just friendship, conversation and some laughter, which is all good. Quite often, if people want to know more, I just say “sometimes big changes have to be made…” they can take what they want from that. I do understand what you say about what people think however – a part of me really does not want him to get away with the way be behaved towards me for so long. But I probably need to let that go…

I think it’s because of being constantly told I was not good enough, in any way, that I still doubt myself, hugely. I’m working on that as I get on with putting myself back together. Trying to get to the point where I do not need any validation from outside, where what others think of me is not so important.

I wish you all the best with reconnecting with your friends.

Brave
xx

[HunkyDory]

Thanks ladies. DIYMum, I have a friend who is a DV survivor and she knows everything, as does my sister and boss. I’ll tread carefully with everyone else and bide my time. I don’t like the thought of people gassing behind my back about what happened and what I should have done. I know how most people think – I used to – “why didn’t she just leave”… so talking to people who understand is easy, not so with the rest.

Brave, I’ve also been saying I’m much happier to people as well, I think them knowing it was “my” decision makes it a little easier and let’s them know I’m totally ok with the separation. Good luck to you too xx

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