Friends disagreeing?

[Newst@rt]

I posted here yesterday because I’ve been receiving manipulative and threatening messages from my ex since lockdown started, he’s trying to scare me into letting him have contact with our children.
I made the mistake of mentioning what’s going on to an old friend (who was never friends with him) who has been supportive but I’ve always sensed she didn’t agree that I’ve stopped my ex from having access to the children, even though my local DA charity recommended I don’t give him access. My friend has asked if it would be so bad if I let him have contact with the children, and it has made me feel really anxious and panicked. I know that I don’t need to justify or defend myself but I don’t want to fall out with her either. I know how lucky I am to be safe and away from my abuser, compared to all the other women who are trapped during this awful time, but I’m finding it really hard having all this going on and being stuck in the house with just the children for company. It is making everything much harder and I’m feeling really anxious x

[Newst@rt]

I feel as though I can’t handle anyone close to me not being understanding or supportive x

[KIP.]

Some people just will never understand. It’s not you it’s their ignorance. You don’t need her validation. You’ve been told by a domestic violence charity to deny access. These women deal with domestic abuse daily and it’s them you need to listen to. They’re the experts not her. Try not to hold it against her if she’s a good friend in other ways. Just make it clear that he’s dangerous to your children and under no circumstances will you willingly allow access x

[Newst@rt]

Thank you so much KIP. I’m finding it hard being stuck in the house with all this going through my head xx

[fizzylem]

I was the same, couldn’t be around anyone less than supportive. Some folk just don’t get it, they cant imagine the father is abusive and that children need protecting from him – can leave you feeling like it’s all in my head, its me with the problem hey, I’m the one in the wrong for thinking this way, and scared they dont see it or get it, that I’m on my own and maybe others will also see it the same way as they do. Maybe when you feel able tell her you how you feel, we need support and this can only come from talking about it.

My family were not there for me at all for many years, thought we are as bad as each other, eventually I let this go, was not going to try and justify myself, only left me feeling sh!t when I tried to gain their support – it certainly didnt give me what I needed; it was very self empowering when I did this, once I let that go, it helped me to grow and strengthen in some ways, shape my thoughts, my narrative, my truth. Showed me I can be with others whether you are with me or not, whether you get it or not, I know what’s the truth here and thats all that matters for now.

One day they came to me, after an incident with him had happened with a family member, obs it struck this person as this isnt right / normal / expected, what the hell is going on here, there’s clearly more to this and I need to find out, he started to ask the right questions for the first time, I cried, it showed me just how long I had been in this alone, without any one of them. They helped me in other ways, but never really understood what I was going through, feeling alone with it all had become my normal, but was not right hey, and because they all percieved me as strong and capable, they falsely assumed I was alright.

Guess people have to be in the right space to hear, they finally started to see this was not a normal, typical break up, and started to get a bit more gelled up on the subject of abuse with stuff they started to read, they really only ‘heard’ me from this point on x

[Author]

Posts