Friends talking about themselves all the time

[iliketea]

I’m staying with some old friends, and I’ve noticed that they haven’t asked me any personal questions since I’ve been here. Nothing, not even about non- DA things like work or Covid experiences, I havent stayed for quite a few years so there’s a lot to catch up on!

Anyone else have this on “life after leaving?” I can’t work out if it’s they’re scared to talk about the DA or if it’s that it’s part of my bigger life picture. I’ve surrounded myself with these types of n********tic type people all my life. And as a true co-dependent who has always liked listening to other peoples stories and lives I’ve ended up surrounded by a ton of pretty self-centred pretty selfish people?!!! I k ow that sounds a bit ungrateful because me and the kids are staying so they must like me I like them but literally not one personal question, zero interest in me or my life at all!!

[iliketea]

Grrr I lost my edits and now it won’t let me change it!
Do other people have this experience? Is it to do with learning so much about people after the abuse that your eyes are opened to n********tic type behaviour more? I feel like I’m not sure I want them as friends, makes me feel a bit sad but I don’t think I want people like this in my life. Not asking me how I am, not being interested in my life as a single mum after leaving, nothing, no interest at all!!
Has anyone else experienced this and made the decision to walk away from old friendships?
Xx

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Iliketea,

You’ve literally just written what’s been on my mind all night – I’m in the exact same boat and completely understand how you feel. I confided in several “friends” about the DA and my struggles but other than a token reply of “sorry to hear this” I’ve really not had any questions at all to see how I’m doing (or any conversation of any topic at all) I find it so bizarre and hurtful and it makes me angry as, in my eyes, it’s basic common decency to want to know how a friend is doing and show support. As you say, especially when we’re the types who happily listen for hours to others. It’s a hard one as you’ve known them for years – would you feel comfortable to mention to them that you’ve noticed they’ve not asked how you are and let them know how it’s made you feel? Hard thing to do though. Sorry, I’m rubbish with advise and don’t have the answer on this one. Just wanted you to know I’m experiencing the same. X

[KIP.]

The more you learn about abuse, the more you recognise it in others x

[Anonymous]

Iliketea after growing up in abuse , having abusive relationships , I went full on everyone detox cos I didn’t know who to trust anymore and some of them were being used as flying monkeys , I realised I was too forgiving too accepting too trusting and too self blaming , it was the best thing I ever did , I had more clarity than I’ve ever had in my life and my energy started to change too I realised these so called friends were gossipy, competitive, jealous, manipulative and in one of those cases extremely twisted, you can see them for what they are now, completely selfish, even if they were afraid to ask about your experiences, if they really cared they’d give you the option and ask if you want to talk about things and ask how you are after it all, also the edit only allows you to Change 5 mins after the post 🌸☀️💗

[Eggshells]

Yes, I noticed this too. I was surrounded by narcs. Slowly but surely I ditched the lot of them – except one, who I see because I don’t really have a choice.

Go with your gut and trust your instincts. You’re on an incredible journey and it’s moved very fast for you. You are seeing the world and your people in it more clearly than you’ve ever seen before.

[Put the kettle on]

I suspected they weren’t healthy friendships and when I went no contact (with all of them at the same time!) I got better perspective. I was so lonely to begin with but now I see they weren’t real friends at all.

[Grey Rock]

Im sorry you’re feeling unsupported.

My experience was that people were quite nervous to ask me anything. I suppose looking back I was very edgy and exhausted, poorly really, and on the verge of tears much if the time. People tended not to ask anything until I’d volunteered sone information. Then they gradually started asking. It was similar to when there’s been a bereavement. Perhaps if there’s one you trust more than anyone else it might be worth opening up a bit to them and see what happens, but guard your heart. After all, this is new for them. They have no reason to know how to navigate it. And we can seem very changed people to the friend they once knew too.

Friendships do change over time. I’m currently sad about a friend who seems to be avoiding me. We were so, so close up til a year or so ago. She is very scared of my ex though and I suppose I do have a history of going back to him. I know that this is never going to happen again but I suppose I can’t blame her for being guarded. She has a young family to protect after all. It does sting a bit though, especially when I have her birthday gift still sitting in a drawer waiting for when she gets back to me about meeting up and I hear about her meeting up with mutual friends. I’ve got through worse though and I need to focus on positive things if I’m going to recover so Im trying not to dwell on it.

GR x*x

[Highway61]

Hi, I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling about your friends. I recognise that feeling and I think, in general, even after talking to some friends who have been supportive and listen, I still ultimately feel very isolated and misunderstood so, perhaps this is part of the process. I also think, in an abusive relationship you become so numb to not being seen, or having any of your experiences validated and at the same time being told that no one knows or understands you like they do, that the need to be validated feels really strong and yet no validation feels like enough. One of my friends has barely asked me how I am and when I finally met up with her after the lockdowns told me, “Im sorry its been hard but time is a healer, at least he wants to see his kids, and Im sure you’ll be fine in the long run like me […]” and then proceeded to tell me all about her new job, including driving me to her work place to show me her new car and to show me all her new friends and projects and how what a totally new, wonderful person she has become!I felt like I just disappeared when she was talking and I realised that feeling like Ive disappeared is quite ‘triggering’, I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Do you feel like you could explain your feelings to your friends and they would understand? Or would it be turned on you? If it is turned on you – then these are not the friends that you need in your life. It is very lonely at times but the friendships that are truly reciprocal are so much more fulfilling and worthy of your time. You deserve those friendships. Take care x*x

[Bananaboat]

I built up the courage to try to tell two separate friends about my current situation but didn’t get far with either. One said ‘well i can’t comment because I only have your side to go on’ and the other already knew things were tough as they’d spoken to my ‘partner/ex’ but was waiting for me to say something and ‘he really wants things to work out, covid has been tough on relationships so don’t rush into anything’…made me want to cry as these are my support system?!?! Ok I’ll let him carry on the abuse shall I.

[Grey Rock]

Ohhh dear. If they’re still in touch with him and he has their ear then don’t share anything.

They obviously don’t just have one side of things. They have both but are just finding ignoring things easier to deal with. Sometimes people can do a lot of damage by trying to smooth things over when you need to create a distance to be safe.

Is there anywhere else you can stay?

GR

[iliketea]

Thanks a lot for your replies.
I love this forum, always helps, you women are all amazing. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Hadn’t even crossed my mind about not being validated but realise that yes, this is what ex did. All. The. Time. and my dad so yes, it is really triggering. Has helped me so much in processing it. @Highways61, thank you for waking me up to that.
@Auriel @eggshells and @put the kettle on – as I have no family I feel a bit scared going no contact with the last remaining friends from my distant past but I can see now that it probably needs to happen. Not in a drastic way, just a fade away type way. I make the effort most of the time anyway! Yes another thing I have always done! How did you do it, if its ok to ask? Did you bother telling them? And how do you meet/make new friends? I might make a new post as it would be interesting to hear people’s experiences, Im beginning to think this is the only real way forward. I don’t feel like the old me anymore in many ways, so feel I need new friends too.

@Weemebreeze Im sorry you’re going through the same. Its tough isn’t it? I feel so much better now Im home though and not with them. It was a nice weekend but was just missing any real connection.
Think that’s the bottom line really, they haven’t been through it, I realised the wife of my friend actually doesn’t understand or possibly even believe it was DA, so she’s a lost cause. And he, well, I guess its easier to ignore it for an easy life, and when I think back to it, our “friendship” has always been that way, he calls, I listen, I call, he’s suddenly busy after a few minutes…hadn’t really analysed it before but when I wrote in my diary about it all came out, the unbalanced nature of it. Some friends are for seasons of your life I read somewhere, think its true. But how do you make strong new ones, without having a shared history? I struggle with that.
Anyway, thank you, happy to be home and back in my own safe space, self love and peace and quiet. Think I might become a hermit! haha. xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi iliketea,

I’ve seen the saying too; some friends are for reasons, some are for seasons etc.
Sometimes we outgrow them as our lives move in different directions due to different experiences. There is nothing wrong with just slowly drifting apart from those that no longer hold your interest, you don’t have to officially cut ties, you just stop making any effort to contact them.

Making new ones forms a new ‘shared history’. You could join a new group that already exists, say a running club? Or suggest starting something up in your area on a local FB group, (someone in my local FB group did a post about anyone wanting to start the Couch To 5K with them and I think about 6 people did it together.) Personally, I joined (detail removed by moderator). I did all this whilst my son was in bed asleep. As the kids all left school some of those friendships died off too, they were those ‘seasonal’ ones. However, a few have remained ‘long term’.

I also joined a (detail removed by moderator) and one of my very good friends now is someone I met via that group. I tried a ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ group too, but that wasn’t for me and I didn’t meet anyone to form a friendship with, but I had an enjoyable night out in the process. I have also formed a friendship with someone from this site 🙂

Spending so many years with an abuser makes us doubt ourselves that we are people that other people want to spend time with. Sometimes our confidence is so low that we think we have nothing fun or interest to offer to anyone else, but that is not true. Our abusers have just destroyed our belief in ourselves and we need to find it again.

I could be guilty in some way of what your friends have done. I have a situation with a long term friend of mine. She underwent a huge operation and a lot of ongoing treatment (I can’t say much more as it may get edited) but she is now recovering well, and sometimes when I meet up with her I don’t mention it at all because I don’t want to dwell on it and have her think that, to me, she is now the friend that had the serious illness and nearly died. I think that if she wants to bring that up then I’ll talk about it, but if she doesn’t want to go back to that time then I don’t want to take her back to that time in her life. Whether she thinks I’m not bothered about how poorly she was I have no idea, but I do have reasons for not bringing it up and those reasons are to protect her! I could be totally wrong, but then it may be miscommunication on both our parts. I want her to know I value the person she was before the illness and I’m not make our ongoing friendship ‘all about the illness’. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’m waffling on now… xx

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