This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  iliketea 4 days, 1 hour ago.

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  • #107685
     Amadeus 
    Participant

    Hello – I’m a (detail removed by Moderator) year old mum with two young daughters. For (detail removed by Moderator) years I have been in survival mode married to a man with severe n**********c personality disorder. He abused me for so many years as did his mum with whom he had an unbreakable very unnatural bond. I have lost my confidence, my self esteem and my self worth. I long suspected he was gay which he denied time and time again yet he finally came out in (detail removed by Moderator). The whole thing is enormous. As he can no longer personally abuse his control has now turned to financial abuse – I have lost everything and am now having to sell a house we only moved into (detail removed by Moderator) ago. My daughters haven’t seen him since (detail removed by Moderator) when he was arrested for assault but he is pursuing contact – not because he wants them but to ‘win’ and ‘destroy’. He is lying openly and without morality attempting to accuse me of being the abusive partner in the relationship. His behaviour is breathtaking. I am trying so hard to be strong for the children (my eldest is now on sedatives and self harming her skin having witnessed his behaviour particularly since (detail removed by Moderator) as his abuse increased) but I’m so fearful he will pull the wool over the court’s eyes – he is dangerous and I’m not sure I have the strength or courage – how do I fight a monster like this – i have no idea who he was / is. I have no friends / support network as I have just lived to keep the children safe and survive each day.

  • #107686
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Can you get your child therapy? I did this we were at this point where my littlest one said to the therapist she had thots of harming herself. The therapist wrote to the judge for me and this nailed the case. They will use alienating behaviour against u. So to prove I was stopping contact due to abuse my daughter saw the therapist alone in her last session. They wrote a dialogue together and therapist sent this direct to my lawyer. I never saw it still haven’t so it keeps with in the confidentiality boundaries xx there are ways 😘

  • #107694
     Amadeus 
    Participant

    Hello – thank you for responding. Yes my eldest is having counselling on her own and the counsellor is writing a letter / report but he is SO convincing – a charmer / Jekyl and Hyde and I’ve kept up the mask for him in public settings. His mantra is ‘I always win’ and I’m petrified of every thing he does, every solicitors letter in, every allegation he makes up against me. I truly believe he is mentally unhinges but I’m constantly being told by lawyers that I can’t say that – I have to just focus on the facts of the abuse not my feelings

  • #107696
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    You could request his medical records ? Has he been seen by anyone xx like a psychologist x

  • #107697
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Try not to worry if he’s lying the mask will slip xx

  • #107703
     Lostmonkey 
    Participant

    You would be amazed – they see past the mask. They have seen it so many times. Your story sounds like mine and they saw past his mask. There were times when I wondered if they did but ultimately it was clear that they did. They know he is incredibly persuasive and manipulative. Very charming! I was also in survival mode but I have managed to find a couple of mums on the school run I know well enough to share enough to help me be stronger. This has made a huge difference. It is a long road and I am certainly not there. He always told me if I tried anything he would make sure I never saw my children again. He always told me if I did not keep the house nice he would call social services on me… etc etc They were not fooled. Neither were the police. I do not promise that everyone will get it – there are some people who just don’t get it but even if there is just one person – an old friend you have found through facebook (I shared with one like this- she was a very old friend that I had not kept in touch with but we were good friends and after some chat it was as though we had never been out of touch and I shared- it was worth it). You are definitely not alone. Keep talking to people – even posting on here. It all makes a difference and gives that little bit of strength (in my experience).

  • #107705
     Amadeus 
    Participant

    Thank you – I’m putting all my faith in right and wrong and the truth. He doesn’t consider he has a problem – he is perfect in his eyes – so other than many counselling attempts which he always gave up abruptly he ‘doesn’t have a problem’ – everyone else is at fault – it’s my fault he is gay…‘I emasculated him’ and if he had been happier he ‘would have hidden it for longer’ but his marriage vows ‘meant absolutely nothing to him’ (his words). I think that’s why it’s so enormous as I stayed with him knowing what he was doing to me yet hoping those rare gestures of occasionally holding my hand meant something but they were short lived and he quickly reverted to type. I thought I could survive until the girls were independent and for the sake of the ‘family unit’ and through fear of his behaviour if I ever tried to leave. I’ve made such a mess of it

  • #108063
     iliketea 
    Participant

    @amadeus do you have a domestic abuse support worker? You can self refer. And a solicitor? Lots do a free half hour. I’m not sure if the exact point you’re at. Does he still live in the home? You’re married so are you getting divorced? What’s the most important thing you’d like advice/help sorting out? There are so many very experienced women here with a wealth of information so fire away. How can we help you sort out this nightmare? Xx

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