From one abusive relationship to another?

[flowersintherain]

So I’m confused and uncertain
(detail removed by moderator) ago I left a physically and mentally abusuve partner and for (detail removed by moderator) I stayed single to fix and find myself, but long ago I got into a relationship with a brand new partner and over the months I’ve noticed a few red flags, but I can’t tell if I’m now just being over cautious…
He watches my social media accounts, if he sees I’m online he asks who I’m talking to (even though most of the time no one!) I’ve caught him out lying to me about various things one being not going to work and then says the reason he didn’t tell me was because he was scared of what I’d say! He snaps at me quite a lot and recently I’ve seen and aggressive side (not hurt me physically) but got in my face a few times. He seems manipulative too saying things like you owe me money for the holiday I booked for us don’t you think you should be saving instead of going to a co workers leaving do etc… i have left him quite a few times for his behaviour and I go back thinking I’m over reacting but something about him feels like I shouldn’t trust him. A previous partner of his also called him sneaky and nasty and he also admitted one of his exes got him done for harassing her. Admittedly when I caught him out lying I did go through his phone once or twice to see if he was lying to me still and I know it’s wrong. But I don’t know whether our relationship is toxic or if it’s him that’s toxic or what…

Help please

[KIP.]

Run. Run for the hills. Run fast and never look back. All the signs are there staring you right in the face. All the evidence you need. An ex getting him done for harassment. That’s the same man you’re in a relationship with. You’ve given him chance after chance. Time to move on. Quickly x

[SunshineRainflower]

He doesn’t sound like good news to me. Sounds like your intuition is there tapping you on the shoulder which is why you feel you can’t trust him. You most likely can’t.

He is already showing signs of being controlling and jealous asking who you’re speaking to on social media, showing an aggressive side, keeping a tally of what you ‘owe him,’ using guilt to manipulate you, and you have caught him lying (huge red flag that the person is not to be trusted) and a previous episode of harassment. A lot of this sounds like my abusive ex, he ended up being pretty terrifying after all these initial subtle red flags which at the time I rationalised away.

I agree with Kip, best to end this sooner rather than later then protect yourself as you already know he has a tendency to harass exes.

Have you done the freedom programme/Power to change courses? I am waiting for one myself, a lot of ladies have said they have really helped. Like you I have also dated more than one abusive man, they tend to be very charming and likeable at first. The course I believe will help us to choose better partners in future. Well done for spotting these red flags early on and for posting.

[Anonymous]

Hi hun
Trust your gut and run don’t look bk .
Ive attracted these abusers myself
Iam working on me now .. i know i love deeply and care that’s why these monsters latch onto me
No more i say .. it’s well over a year now since I left my ex .and no way near ready to start dating …. as kip said run for the hills

[flowersintherain]

They’re always so charming! And so clever at making you feel super loved like you can’t live without them! All to mask the game they play!

I think I’m partly in denial to the fact I have another controlling partner as to why I haven’t realised sooner!

[SunshineRainflower]

Definitely. My ex had the ‘honourable, respectable, good man’ act down to a tee so when I realised it was all a cover for some seriously shady goings on and scary covert and overt abuse I felt literally sick and like the world had turned on its axis, I couldn’t believe I’d ended up with yet another bad one. Like you I’d also been single for ages to work on myself, after previously dating men who were not very nice. The guy I dated before my ex was controlling and critical but back then I knew nothing about domestic abuse, I thought it was just me with my issues that meant I was never happy in a relationship and since they always blame it on us it was easy to blame myself.

It’s good you’ve recognised it again, it is painful when we repeat the same pattern but it’s also a good chance to make some positive changes. I am determined to never get mixed up with one of these men again, and have already removed one from my life who was asking me on dates. It’s like a video game where they keep cropping up and you have to dodge them, only now we are better at spotting them! 🙂

[Confused123]

Hey hun

Please do not ignore these red flags, if u need to hear from us to confirm are they red flags, yes they are major red flags u are not jumping to conculsion or overthinking, get out girl, no need to give them explantion till u have left

[Ladyglittersparkles]

You can’t ignore your intuition.
It’ll only get louder if you don’t listen to it.
He’s making you feel uncomfortable by his behavior.
I don’t know your situation or how long you’ve been dating him but sounds quite intense
I’m sure there’s aspects that are good. But I think you’ve already made your mind up.

[Author]

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