From the start

[Lola1xx]

Hi all, im new here
So i dont really know how this works or what to do anymore but i just am hoping it helps a little.

Where do i start.. im a young female who has never really got along with my parents and had to live in a hostel, i lived in a different city to my parents and family and whilst i was here this guy appproached me. He was older,( only a few years) he had the sports car. The flashyness, the looks. The personaility he was amazing, he had the family life. We started dating and he was perfect. Id never experienced a real relationship before and had craved it for so long, after some time i started to hear some rumours on how he gets about a little bit and isnt very nice. But being naive i ignored it, he was showing me something different. I eventually moved in with him and for a while thinga was good. But then he started to cheat on me and verbally abuse me and i was getting proof. I ignored it for so long but eventually i thought he broke me down.. so i left. Oh that was nothing! I moved back in with my mother, but like i said i was naive. He would travel to pick me up and he would talk all the talk. We had a few months seperate and in that time we both got into new relationships. After a short time they fizzled out. We eventually got back together and moved into our own place. For first few months it was perfect. No name calling no belittling nothing. Just like before! But eventually it went back but this time it was worse. Before it was just name calling.. such as fat, dumb, no brain, useless, he made me. Etc.. but this time it was physical. First it started with hair pulling, then it went to cheating, then when i questioned it it was all my fault. Then it wemt to kicking and smacking me around the face, i remember one time he strangled me because i didnt want to have sex with him. I was literally underneath him pleading. He smashed a glass and cut my hand, he would spit it me, hit my head against doors, kick me so hard in the back of my legs bruising woulf appear. One time he cracked my rib and i was in so much pain , i had to go to the doctors and tell them id fallen over, with lumps missing in my hair. Whilst all this was happrning i reached out to my mum and a collegue at work.. they tried to help me so much but i am so weak by now. I dont know what it is. Because their is no love left. Along side this he was critisising how i did my makeup to the point i just stopped all together, how much i ate, how i did my hair ( he thought i looked horrible with it up). What i wore, where i went out, who i spoke to. Be littling me for little things so tiny and small. If i would go out or not be around him for a few hours he would sniff the bedsheets, check the bins, check the washbasket and when i returned home acuse me of sleeping with somebody, a few times he even forced me to allow him to check my private parts. By this time i am just so wound down. All of my friends are out partying amd enjoying yhe years i should be. But i was stuck in the house because i couldmt be bothered with the drama that came from it and i was told i couldnt be trusted to go out and until i could he wasnt letting me,i couldnt even wear shorts or low cut tops if anybody else was innthe house without being accused of something. Eventually i lost all of my close friends and no one wanted to hear anymore because i wasnt leaving and he would go yhrough my phone when i was asleep sending them horrible messages. I had no one. I was being made to feel crazy and worthless everyday by the person i thought loved me and promised me the future for us. And i had no one to even turn to anymore. I would cry for hours and literally beg infront of him for him to love me and stop doing these things. He would just tell me it was my attitufe or my fault. He evem.one time told me it w*d my fault my mother has cancer.. that i drove her to be ill. There was so much more day in day out and ive just given up now. The latest thing has happened over the last few days. This has led me here for help, more so to know that i am not going through this alone. He had had a long day at work so when i returned from work i cleaned the house (detail removed by moderator). Even made myself some wine to enjoy the night and relax.. well he had had a shower before hand and asked me if i had used the towel (detail removed by moderator). that was it. I was eating my dinner getting called every name under the sun and told how worthless i am. Because i wasnt arguing back and simply saying ok. I was told i had cheated today and that someone had madr me feel like i had a big ego. Actually im just giving up. I walkrf away and eventually got into bed and went to wotk the nexy day. We didnt speak at all yesterday. Only him telling me how useless i was and how evil and nasty i was and how i needed help. Then this morning it was raining so bad he offered to take me to work. I askrd him to wipe the toilet after he had used it and that was it.. to cut it down short it was (detail removed by moderator). He was screaming at me in the car. He spat at me and he made me get out in the pouring down rain miles away from my work. I had to walk home in the rain.

I am so fed up ladies
I dont have any fight or anything left. I have no one to turn to and feel like im going absoloutely crazy being told and forced everyday to believe i am evil, i am nasty, i cause this.. so on. I dont have a voice anymore. I am not allowed to speak. I am just giving up. I dread to think what is going to happen today when he gets home. Is it going to be silent treatment? Acting like nothings happened? Am i going to be blamed and have to give in and accept it was my fault for something that i know wasnt? I just feel so trapped and done. But the thing that is driving me insane is.. I STILL DO NOT have it in me to pack his bags. To kick him out. To get rid of him. And i really dont know why because i know this is wrong. Im in my early 20s and i know life shouldnt be like this.

[Anonymous]

Omg, my heart is breaking. Your life sounds so like mine was. Please talk to Women’s Aid about getting out. This is nothing to do with who you are at all. It’s him. He is abusing you. Read ‘Why Does He Do That?’by Lundy Bancroft. And post on here as often as you like. This forum was my salvation. I’m free now and my abuser convicted.

I wish I could give you a hug 🙁

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome and well done for posting and reaching out for help. He sounds horrendous and dangerous and what he is doing to you is illegal. Do you know what trauma bonding is? Google that, it really opened my eyes. Have you contacted your local women’s aid? They helped me escape, helped me understand the dynamics of abusers. It doesn’t matter what you do, he will simply change the goal posts and continue the abuse. Just making stuff up so you’re caught off guard trying to explain why he’s so wrong, meanwhile he carries on his abuse. I too have up arguing back because it was impossible to have a reasonable conversation. Nothing I said was right. He didn’t want to listen, his whole world is about abusing you to make himself feel good. He chooses to abuse you and knows exactly what he’s doing and abuse always gets worse. You definitely need help to get him out. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Ring the helpline number on here.

[Lola1xx]

Thanks for understanding ladies, i just cant understand why and how somebody who says they love you can do this? If u arent happy and im not the one for you why is he staying to just put me through it? I really dont understand, i know what hes doing is wrong and he has made me feel worthless. But its still me ringing him to see how his day is, me texting him when hes coming home? Me asking to go places with him when hes going out? I dont understand it at all.

Im going to read up on everything everyone has said, thank you. Right now i just need to learn how to deal with this without completely breaking down.
Thank you
Xx

[colouringinfairy]

Reading this was so painful, I just want to give you a massive hug and tell you it’s going to be okay. Agree with the ladies advice on here, and really implore you to get yourself away from this man he sounds incredibly frightening. I met my abusive ex in my early twenties and wasted years of my youth on him – I’m in my late twenties now and regret I spent so long on him, wasted time, but at least I am out now and still have plenty of life to live. Don’t waste any more of your time and youth on this man, you don’t deserve it – there are so many men out there who would be proud to have you and treat you how you deserve. Goodness this breaks my heart.

Everyone on here is so amazing and can offer so much help, support and guidance – you have come to the right place. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to. x

[HunkyDory]

Hi Lola 1, you did the right thing coming here. He sounds just like my husband when he turned nasty. It’s awful to live with and you need to get away from this individual. I agree with Landy, read Lundy Bancroft’s book, it’s opening my eyes. Understanding trauma bonding as well will help you see what he is doing to you. I truly hope you can leave this person and soon. It’s heartbreaking that you are so young and being exposed to this. You should be out having the time of your life. And you will. You just need to be strong. Sounds easy I know – it isn’t, but focus on you and what you want from your life and you will find the strength and you will have lots of support in this group. Xx

[Lola1xx]

Thank you all so much for your advice. Knowing i have people who understand what its like is a relief, i often feel like people think its a sympathy vote because i havent left him.

He poppped my nose yesterday and gave me a nose bleed and i think ive finally had enough. Ive told him it is over, i dont think he really believes me nor cares. But i can feel myself detaching from him. Maybe at least if my mind detaches it will make the body soon follow
Hope you are all well x x

[HunkyDory]

It’s not easy to leave Lola but please try to think about a plan to get away very soon, he sounds dangerous and you need to get to safety in case it escalates further. We’re all here to support you and you can call the number to talk to someone as well. Xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Lola pls contact Women’s Aid now. Your partner sounds very dangerous indeed.
Do NOT tell another word about leaving, do not share with him any plans or thoughts as this means he will see it as loosing power and control over you and tighten his grip and be even nastier and more violent towards you.

Actually pls do call the police and show them your nose. You have no idea what he might do next, he might lock you up in the house.
Please put away into safety already your documents ( id cards, cc & bank cards, passport, birth certificate etc). Keep your phone charged and Password protected!! and charger with you at all time, turn OFF GPS Location services, if you do have a trusting friend, agree on a code word or emoji you can send where she will contact the police for you in case you need it and can’t call them yourself.

Please keep safe darling. I am very concerned for your safety and frankly your life. Pls do call for support asap. Women’s Aid AND the police.
Can you get a friend to come get you? Get out now! There are refuges where you can spend the night.

[HopeLifeJoy]

When facing danger the body reacts to it with flight/fight or freeze mode. Freeze or being numb to danger is the most extreme and dangerous state to be in, because you don’t actually react to it actively, you don’t recognise anymore in what kind of danger you are in. To receive a punch in the face is a serious real danger.
Please get out and call for support. Take one step out the door and just start walking. Or call for support, it takes one call.
It doesn’t take much to be another statistic and sad news story. He clearly is extremely violent and the next punch might knock you out and he might finish you off.
Please leave, get support.
You have your full life ahead of you. But you need to be alive to be able to enjoy it.
I so hope you’ll find the strength to get yourself into physical safety.
Sending you strength

[EbonyRaven]

You don’t deserve that treatment, and you are NONE of those things he says. I know you’re exhausted and probably find it so, so hard to think clearly. I know it seems like the ‘easy’ option to stay a little longer in the hope that you can find some energy to move on. He’s relying on that.

As has already been said, try your best not to say anything to him about detaching, about planning to leave. Just do it, hopefully when he’s not there. If you have to leave with nothing, you’ll still be alive with a long and over time much happier, life ahead; and all that stuff? Replaceable. You, however, are not.

I hope you manage to escape that monster safely.

xx

[Anonymous]

you have got to get away from him darlin. you have got to take your life back.. im so lucky i i didn’t experience any physical abuse only the once when he was drunk i got into a scuffle with him. my heart breaks reading these stories i thought i had it bad with mental abuse i have been through nothing compared to some of you ladies i feel quite ashamed for moaning.. all i can say is please please leave him dont let him hurt you anymore

[Lola1xx]

Hi all
Still havent found the strength to leave yet, i just know when it is there i will. I know ill just feel it, and that is the day im holding on to. I come here from time to time and get real warmth from reading the messages. Knowing that not everybody in this world is cruel. Ive been biting my tongue lately and just agreeing with everything and not even trying to stick up for myself. I fell sleep (detail removed by moderator) to him shouting around that i canot cook i ruined his food, im going to get a fine and he isnt going to pay it because i didnt put cardboard in the recycling bin. It all sounds so petty i know. But usually i would try and stick up for myself, i just cant be bothered anymore. Id rather to just keep my mouth shut and zone out from it. I feel in my own world at the moment. Like im in my home but im not actually here? Its my birthday coming up soon. Hes making all these plans for us to do. And i really wish i could be excited and look forward to these things. But i know deep down he will find a way to ruin it, or make me upset. So i am not even thinking about a day i usually get all giddy for.

Its not at its worst today and thats good i guess. Cant complain.

I hope you are all well and having nothing but positivity in your lifes xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Lola, it’s really good to hear from you, to hear you are having an okay day, you are right, it indeed all starts by building strength inside, rightly follow your intuition, your gut feeling will lead you into safety when the time comes. Just keep trusting yourself honey.

I know they destroy all special occasions, whenever he’s not the star of an event he will find a way to sabotage it, absolutely guaranteed. You’re seeing the situation lucidly, anticipating his drama rather than getting exited, there is power in your knowledge right there because he won’t be able to surprise you with any of his misery.
Why not spend your birthday with people who actually care about you? It’s your birthday, you get to decide how you wish to spend it, not him. And think about next year, you won’t be spending it with him. Imagine yourself free by then.

Because he’s been violent before, pls educate yourself about self-defense on youtube. Search for ‘how to defend against a throat grab’. It’ll hopefully help you defend yourself whenever he grabs you, hold you against a wall or punches you again. As soon as you’ve freed yourself call the police immediately.

I’m sorry he criticises your every action.
I understand your zoning out, you are right to not let yourself get pulled down into his dramatic miserable rabbit-hole. Stay well out of it and turn the focus towards yourself. Take care of yourself in any way you can, it will help you regain strength honey. You are worth it 💕

Keep posting and also call Women’s Aid to hear an understanding compassionate voice. Do anything that will build you up.

Sending you hugs and strength darling 💕Keep posting

[Escapee]

Hey Lola,

My lovely, you so need to get out and as far away from him as possible. Don’t worry about leaving behind a home or possessions; they are just bricks, mortor and material goods, all of which can be replaced.

You are such a brave young woman, don’t allow him his smug victories over you. It’s a sense of power that drives them and it’s very addictive so he won’t want to give up the feeling he gets when he attacks you.

Run flower and soon. Tell the police; your GP; a domestic violence charity – anyone of these can help get you to safety and to people who will support you whilst you get your head straight and sort out your future.

A huge hug to you and I’ll be thinking of you. Stay safe xx

[Author]

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