Frozen – What do I do next?

[Buttercream41]

Hello, my partner was increasingly abusive towards me for about a (detail removed by Moderator) year period when we were still in our very small flat. He was violent at times (shaking me/ pushing/ restraint/ not letting me leave) in a reactionary way but nothing has happened now for a year.

I have been processing this with a therapist and it has been hard. I decided to get some space and I haven’t been home for a few days which is huge for me. I thought this would be the part where I end it for good but he is acting differently to how I expected. He is telling me he is here if I need anything and to take the time I need. He is acting extremely reasonable (without being suspiciously nice and over the top). He’s not messaging me constantly which I fully anticipated.

I honestly just want to be clear one way or the other at this stage because the hardest thing for me has been the mental torment/ back & forth/ exhaustion in my own head. I know I am the only one who can make this decision but any advice you have here would be appreciated. I’m sorry to take up this space as he is not being horrible to me at all right now – I just would really benefit from hearing from anyone else who may have experienced something similar, is it possible he’s learnt his lesson and I can trust him?

[Buttercream41]

I should probably add that I’m struggling not to just think about the good times together and feel sad/ unenergised at being alone as opposed to the relief and happiness I thought I would.

Thanks in advance to anyone who answers xxxx

[Bananaboat]

Big hug first of all. Second, these men are smart and leaving you dangling, so you chase them, you wonder how they are etc is a tactic. Being nice to win you back, making promises is another to look out for. It all adds to that to-ing & fro-ing you mention and the brain fog – if he had been messaging you and being abusive he knows you well enough to know you wouldn’t come back. If he’s saying take all the time you need, take it, don’t rush back and see if / how he is over time. It’s going to take you time to feel and process things too so be kind to yourself. Have you watched Dr Ramani (others can suggest other names) on YouTube she puts things in a way I can relate to but might not work for you.

Final thing I’d say is don’t forget the bad times. Remember what he was like, what you felt like and think do I want that again? Good luck x

[Buttercream41]

Thank you so much for your response and encouraging words. Im not going to rush, I’ll take it day by day for now. I am bad for burying my head in the sand so the tough bit comes when I have to face the decision one way or another. I don’t want to mess him around and also I don’t want to end up back in the same position feeling anxious. I haven’t seen those videos on YouTube, I’ll deffo check them out, thank you again xxxxxx

[Anonymous]

One part in your post stood out for me when you wrote I don’t want to mess him around ? I think you need to prioritise yourself first and your needs & wants , think long & hard if this is really what you want to go back into . They are very clever in changing tactics to reel you back in , what didn’t work previously they will change approach so they become the person they think you are wanting , but is that really them ? Or is it a mask ? I too was charmed in this way , I’m here for you , anything you need , I give you space , I’m a changed person , it’s all empty promises, empty words to make you confused and change your thought process about them . I fell for this so many times , went back too many times , believing he had changed by the way he was acting differently. It never lasted long , once he was comfortable enough again in the relationship and he had me hooked all the bad side came through . It’s all smoke & mirrors .

[Grey Rock]

Hi Buttercream. I suspect that he’s not stupid. He is perfectly aware of the abusive treatment that drive you to take action and remove yourself. These men are great actors. Hes playing the part of the caring partner (likely with no admission of his part in things – mine was great at saying I’m sorry I’ll change, things will be different, but when asked what exactly he was apologizing for, and how he intended to change he tended to get a bit stumped).

One way of testing the reasonable aft (with anyone) is to giving them a negative reaction or firm boundary and watch that act slip. For example, replying that you have no intention of coming back and ask him not to contact you for x amount of weeks or months.

We tend not to be great and making decisions when we come out of these relationships because we have decision fatigue from constantly treading on eggshells. We are exhausted. Weary. Deciding even small things can be difficult let alone major decisions.

My ex tended to be constantly changing tack. Reasonable to raging to talking about going to some old friend for sex to sobbing and threatening suicide. I got reeled in a few times by the suicide threats as they terrified me. After that I simply called the police and let them go check he was okay. Yes, my ex was fuming (and embarrassed) but it soon stopped those threats coming through. (He was happily (removed by moderator).)

Try to contact your local domestic abuse / women’s aid and get some support from them. It’s really helpful to have someone who is experienced in all this to talk to. It’s really hard to stay gone, but it’s very very very rare for an abuser to change once their partner returns. As someone who believes in forgiveness and loving people despite their weaknesses I was talking into returning on numberous occasions.
The final time I gave him a chance I kept my address secret and just saw him, so when things blew up again I went home and got ready to block him every way I could and then contacted him to say it was over and don’t contact me before blocking on that final method of communication. Things did get more nasty then, with him bringing friends and family into it, and trying to get to me that way. In the end a restraining order was deemed necessary by court after police involvement for harassment and stalking behaviour.

I would suggest that you hope for the best in these situations but gather as my wisdom and support around it as you can to prepare yourself for the worst. Knowledge is. Power. Dr Ramani really was helpful to me when I first left. Watching her videos was like listening to someone who’d actually met my ex and was talking about our relationship. I watched and rewatched and took notes. A lot of the time she described things that he hadn’t yet done, and then a couple of days later he’d tick that box too. The Living With a Dominator book by Pat Craven was also helpful, and a book called Out of the FOG (FOG being Fear Obligation and Guilt).

Take care. Wishing you luck 🤞

GR x

[Buttercream41]

I never said thank you but I’ve read this message multiple times now. Thank you for taking the time to respond and show me that support xxxx

[Shiningsunlight]

Nothing to add except big hugs to you. This sounds so difficult and you should be proud for taking the time away. Reach out to a DA service if you can for advice.

[Buttercream41]

Thank you, I appreciate that x I’ve been back now for a few weeks and I’m still deciding what to do.

[Grey Rock]

Hi Buttercream. How are things going?

GR xx

[Buttercream41]

Thanks for checking in. I’m alright thank you, nothing dramatic has happened since I came back. I’ve been making some progress with my therapist but I keep feeling more confused and less confident in my decisions when I’m alone.
It feels like a such an impossible hurdle to leave as I don’t know if I’ll miss him/ feel scared/ unhappy and I freeze. I’m trying to keep a strong mind. Hope you’re okay xxxx

[Anonymous2022]

I just wanted to say that you are strong Buttercream. You’ve taken the really hard step of voicing that something isn’t right. After all the stress and anxiety these men put us under. They thrive on us focusing all our energy on them, trying to predict their moods and find the response ‘correct’ response. Its exhausting. And you managed to find some space in that high anxiety space for yourself. That’s really strong stuff.

I keep reading about trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse. Maybe take a look at those. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal for people who have been victims of abuse. But it’s not ok. Also see if you can read Lundy Bancroft ’why does he do that’, and Pat craven’s ’living with the dominator’, watch Dr Ramani on YouTube if you can.

You’re strong and amazing and know we’re all here for you so keep posting if you can. No judgement here. Just love and hugs.

[Buttercream41]

Thank you for your message – I really do appreciate it. I have read a lot on trauma bonds and the cycle of abuse for sure. I honestly believe that I have been in an abusive relationship with my partner and he is one of the few people who have changed. He is reasonable – it’s been (detail removed by moderator).

Who knows maybe under very stressful future circumstances, he could behave badly but ultimately he has learnt and improved huge amounts. However it’s not as simple as going back to the way things were because the trauma leaves something hanging over you.

I don’t feel the same security that I used to and I feel doubt/ anxiety over the future, when previously I was hopeful. I recognise this the most when I have fun away from him with friends or family and I feel something inside of me just relax that extra bit.

I have regained some strength and I have basically made up my mind that I want more from life. I might fail and be lonely or miss him, but I’m willing to take the risk of regret of breaking up over the regret of staying. I think when I’m older I could really hate myself for it. At the very least I can look back and say I tried my best and I made a decision based on the fact I wanted to be happy.

I hope that (detail removed by moderator) I go through with it and I don’t build myself up only to back up like the other times. I’m willing myself to find the strength. By this point I think it’s just me and my indecisive nature as to why I find it so hard.

Any advice to help get me over the line is gratefully received x*x

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