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Hi there, was hoping someone might be able to understand how I am feeling and give some tips…I am really struggling to do anything regarding leaving. I had it clear in my head I needed to find a place and move out but I’ve found three now and each time when it comes to the crunch of paying the deposit I find excuse after excuse not to take the leap…my husband has moved out temporarily but is coming back constantly and is moving back on (detail removed by moderator). We have a counselling session (detail removed by moderator) where I need to say how I’ve felt with having him away and not sure if just to say that I either want him to move out permanently or I will? But again I just feel frozen/confused/anxious and think part of me deep down still feels like I’ve blown everything out of proportion and I should just go back to how it was….it doesnt help that my daughter is going throigh a major daddy phase and keep saying things like ‘i like mummy and daddy together’ and ‘wheres daddy’ every 5 mins!
Part of me just can’t be bothered with the upheaval of everything and thinks maybe it won’t be so bad if I stay….the last aggressive fight was over (detail removed by moderator) years ago but lots of subtle controling behaviour and coercive control and generally my husband is just exhausting….but maybe it’s not bad enough to leave and thats why I’m feeling like this?
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Hi positivelyempath
It’s very difficult to take any decision when feeling frozen with anxiety, I know the feeling all too well, it’s the worse one, at least when you are fearful and react with either fight or flight there is some action taken but when you are paralysed by fear it is very frustrating and shocking.
Recognise you are fearful and anxious as you did and stand by your first decision, to leave the relationship, that is the right decision, don’t question it.
What you need to know now is how to best move forward. After having seen three places and you weren’t able to choose one you need option number 4. And you need to find out what that is, it must be something you will feel comfortable doing. I would suggest calling the helpline here and find out what else you could do? Maybe go to a refuge? Or to a friends or family’s place? Something less clear cut than moving into your own new place, perhaps you need a transition place for just now.
About your daughter, of course children wish both parents for themselves, it makes sense but she can’t see that abuse is destroying you and her so her decision on your relationship can’t be taken into account unfortunately, even if it will affect the setting of her world as well.
Keep safe and keep on breathing in deeply and keep posting 💕 -
Hi Positively empath,
I am at this stage too, feeling nauseous as well. Started looking at holidays I could go on and gave up, so worn and feeling resigned to being trapped. Then I read your post and I feel so sorry for you to be in such a situation. Then I thought- but so am I. I am quite divorced prom having perspectives like on how he abuses me. (At an impasse at the moment with getting out, and having to put up with distorted weird off kilter behaviours like he is maintaining the house at 15c despite the epic rain and freezing cold weather here. It is exhausting to do battle with this as he stonewalls me, but just keeps running to the thermostat every time I turn it up, and he switches it off).Well I was going to advise you to think how you want to be in ten years time. What do you want for future you? And your daughter? Do you want to be relaxed, fulfilled and happy, with good friends, or still anxious frozen and ground down? How would your daughter be after ten years of his influence? Or would you rather teach her about strong clear boundaries and self preservation? Do not underestimate the malevolent influence that he will bring to bear upon her development.
In fact I am now going to take my pwn advice and act on it. I will write down how I want to be this time next year, what my days will be like, and how I want to feel. How I want others to see me also.How I will be in ten years after this freedom and normality and self-nurturing. xx -
You’re frozen with anxiety because his abuse has made you that way. You need to draw a line to what you want. And do not deviate. No matter what doubts jump into your head. Your decision to leave is absolutely the right one. And when you do stick to that plan, you will see his truly evil side and that’s where the anxiety comes from. I consider myself lucky to be assaulted and he was arrested and removed and given bail. That was what It took for me to break free. At that point I’d told him I wanted a divorce but was too frozen to move out. Absolutely zero contact once you do make your mind up. You need to cut him totally out. Arrange visitation through a third party. Would your daughter want mummy to stay with a rabid dog? She’s a child and doesn’t understand what is best for her and you. With your mental state it boils down to a huge leaf of faith. Going against your senses which are wrong, they’re telling you it’s safer and easier to stay. It’s not. You won’t regret leaving once the fog clears you will only regret not doing it sooner x
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Thanks all for your messages, support and guidance. Your messages were just what I needed to get me back on track.
So I just paid a holding deposit on the house I saw this week. It’s not perfect but it will be safe and he won’t have a key!
We have counselling (detail removed by moderator) and I will tell him that we need to separate longer term and I’ll move out. My parents are staying from abroad until next week so at least I’ll have some support. I might even ask my parents to stay longer if they can so I have some support until I move… if he’s a nightmare I’ll have someone there or I can call the police.
Regarding my daughter once I move out I’ll get the legal process started to confirm access arrangements and selling the house etc.
I’m so nervous, anxious and feel
Sick but I know if I don’t take action in ten years time I’ll either have lost the plot or I’ll be dead from stress at this rate…Thanks so much and I’ll keep you updated. Sending love to you all x*x
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Please do not tell him you’re moving out. Get everything in place for yourself and your daughter. Get to your safe place then you can let him know. Just play along for the next little while until you’re safe. This is the most dangerous time for you. It’s because of his behaviour that you have to keep moving out quiet. Once you are out you can get a solicitor to draw up an access agreement so he must return her to you. It’s important there is a legally binding document making you the primary carer. If you think he was abusive and unreasonable when you were with him, it’s going to get worse, protect yourself once you leave. He is not your responsibility and you absolutely need to put your safety first. If you think he’s going to be reasonable then that’s a big mistake. You need to have the control in this next phase and not let him have the opportunity to get the upper hand. I’m not trying to frighten you, just keep you safe. You’re absolutely doing the right thing. He had his chance to look after you and he can’t and won’t. Get women’s aid to help you and keep you safe and moving forward x
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Hi there, take that leap of faith in yourself positivelyempath. It’s funny how things seem worse than they are when we’re in the middle of the chaos. All our situations are different but so do similar. We’re right beside you, willing you on, every step of the way.
You are so much stronger than you realise, and way more than he does too.
Love and strength IWMB 💞💞 -
Break it down into manageable bites. Accept the offer today. Get the keys Friday then slowly digest the change. One foot in your current life. One foot in your new life.its much easier to leave when you have somewhere to go x the final push is just a leap of faith. Tell yourself if you’ve made a mistake it’s retrievable but it’s not a mistake x
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Thanks both, really appreciate it. I guess I could get the keys and gradually start moving in…is that what you mean? However he is meant to be away this weekend for the night and never normally is so it could be an opportunity to take some furniture and just tell him once I’ve gone….what do you think? I just don’t know if I could be that underhand but also don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to take stuff I’ve paid half for…I would only take the basics and my daughters things.
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Leave if you can. It’s not underhand. It’s about survival. How much time do you think he spends worrying about what he does to you? My guess is nil. I only got out on the tenth occasion I called the police and they took my ex away. It was my house and I wasn’t going to let him take it so once I’d got to the point that I couldn’t take anymore, I jumped at it. I absolutely know how scary all this is, but my only regret now is that I didn’t do it sooner x
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Thanks Landy, really appreciate the support. I’m a mess at the moment, feel like I’ve hot rock bottom but there is a tiny light far up above…I am joint owner of the house with my husband but he won’t leave and I’m also convinced he’s bugged the house and has secret cameras etc so I wouldn’t feel safe even if he did go so I know it’s the only option really….Fingers crossed I can summon up the strength to do it x
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He’s not your responsibility and filming and recording without your permission is stalking and illegal. Get yourself out and safe then take whoever you can. If he is refusing to move out then why should you leave with nothing, you can bet once you’ve gone he won’t give you a thing so take what you can/want. Once you leave and are safe, if he’s reasonable and offers you half the value then he can have it back. But he won’t be reasonable and you can bet if the roles were reversed you’d come back to an empty house. Check your phone and tablets etc for location trackers. Kids stuff too x
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Once he’s gone get you and your little girl out off there to safety. This is a tough hurdle but once Uve done that you’ll have time to heal. These men are our children’s main role models and they 100% learn from them all the wrong things. Hearing my daughter ask for him night after night broke me but I’m so glad I got her out and away from him. It’s the best course off action and it’s scarey but take deep breaths through the anxiety and stone in your stomach and grab this opportunity with both hands xx that wee light will be edging closer to you before you know it xx once I left I never looked back xx don’t go to the counselling session and definitely keep leaving a secret from him that’s is for your safety and that’s not underhanded it’s vital xx
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Thanks both, diymum@1 – how old was your child when you left? How is she now? Does she see her dad? My husband is obsessed with seeing my daughter everyday and I can’t move far away due to my job so I don’t know how I can stop him seeing her as he would just get her from nursery etc if I stopped him….so horrible. Thats what keeps me thinking he could just take her and I couldn’t do anything. Not worth thinking about….worse thing is she is proper daddys girl in last few months so be asking about him all the time too 🙁
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Ok you need professional advice. Ring your local social services/police/cafcass for advice on this if you haven’t already done so, and then there is a paper trail of the concern.If the reason you need to stop him picking her up is due to his violence/bad behaviour then you need to state that clearly, give examples, (even if its the impact upon you ar his lack of caring abilities, all important) and they should make a record of your concerns. That is step 1. You seem very very anxious which as Kip often tells us – this is what he has done to you. Surveillance cameras are quite hard to install. He is inside your head, and has created this. Speak to your GP and see if there is any meds available to help (Step 2) (I don’t know anything about meds BTW but I know they help some people in similar situations, from this forum) and make sure your GP is aware of the impact he has on your mental well being. Very important in building your case. Do not let him get away with this.Build upon your strengths, you have many.
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Thanks Cecile, thats really helpful. the problem is that he hasn’t ever done anything substantial to my daughter, it’s all coercive controlling behaviours and bit of aggression towards me. He looks like father of the year to his friends and family as posts pictures on facebook everytime they leave the house….I know he is so clever and calculated he will end up probably getting her taken off me….I’m so scared… If it was just me I would have gone long ago but my poor little girl needs me to put her to bed every night, needs me for any emotional support, is proper mummies girl…it’s so hard as I feel like by leaving I’ll be throwing her into the lions den….but should I or can I stay to protect her?
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I can guarantee you won’t protect her by staying. I did it and he used my son constantly to abuse me. My son saw this behaviour and learned it. At least when you have space you can teach her how to stand up for herself and what kinds of behaviour are truly abusive and that you should never allow yourself to be abused and to stay with an abuser. Break the cycle and teach her independence and confidence which she won’t see when your abuser uses every opportunity to crush you in front of her.
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Staying in an abusive relationship with children is not what’s best for the child in the long run. Both my children have self esteem issues, rely on drink/drugs. Have tried to commit suicide, have made very poor choices in their own relationships, have extreme anger,uncontrollable rages at times. My relationship with them has suffered too. 😔
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My ex husband took me to court when we first separated so he could have a contact order. He made himself look like an idiot as I had always allowed him reasonable access. Anyway, fast forward a few years and I stopped him collecting my child from school for safety reasons. If you have genuine concerns your ex may go to nursery and take your daughter because you’ve left him then you can speak to her nursery and tell them your concerns. My child’s school agreed that while they can’t technically stop him from taking our child they would call me and get me to the school to sort the matter out. Seek legal advice if you’re worried.
A lot of these men simply blow hot air to keep us feeling scared and unable to leave. Most aren’t interested in 50/50 contact as it’s too tying for them when it comes to the hard work of raising children but they make these threats nevertheless. My ex tried to get all weekend every weekend and he was laughed out of court.
When I left my ex and my child was very young I was advised by a solicitor to offer one night through the week and one night at weekend to break the week up for a child so young. There were no safeguarding concerns at this point though.
Often we imagine the worst case scenario, things that’ll never ever happen. It keeps us trapped.
Get some advice and take one step at a time. -
Thanks both, that’s so helpful. I’ve been advised today that I shouldn’t leave the family home and should press ahead with sorting finances etc while still in there because if my husband stays in the house and I leave my daughter may not want to come back to me when she visits as sees that house as her home… also told that it could be seen as abandonment of family home… so confused!
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Abandonment of the house only applies when there isn’t a reason (my understanding). Domestic abuse is a reason why you have to leave. If he was reasonable and willing he’d leave and you’d sort out finances but you can’t because of his behaviour. What choice does this leave you? Contact issues are always difficult, especially in the early days, but children adapt. I left my ex in the family home (we were renting while looking for somewhere to buy) and there was never a massive issue for my child leaving to come home to me. Sure he’d cry for his dad, just as sometimes he’d cry that he didn’t want to leave me at times. It’s hard for them. living with an alcoholic would have been 110% worse though. You are her home ❤️
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Don’t know who’s advising you but I’d get a second opinion from someone who actually knows about abuse. It most often escalates when we end a relationship and often escalates to violence. It’s the most dangerous time for you. I tried living under those conditions and within weeks my ex was arrested for assault. Just couldn’t control himself at the thought of losing control of me. Get a contact order in place for your child so if there are any problems then the law is on your side. Home for your child is where you are and you can make a new place happy and fun and most especially abuse free. It show the kind of man he is that he won’t move out and let you and your child stay in their own home in the meantime. I decent man would prioritise the welfare of mum and child. Away you can have More quality time with her without the dark cloud of your partner taking away precious one to one time with her. We always are looking for excuses not to go, start looking for reasons to leave x my ex left our home, albeit with the assistance of the local police. It didn’t affect his claim on the property at all.
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I’ve heard it say if we’re confused don’t do anything yet. Just keep sitting with your options for now. I’m always praying for guidance. “Holy Spirit guide, direct and enlighten me.” Then get on with your day. Keep posting and reading the posts. Professionals were telling me to leave the family home and one said to show a good example to my girls. I was torn because it meant leaving my many kids with him and they were teenagers so I decided to stay for the few years until the court date. But he had the best time of his life abusing me left, right and centre. My children suffered terribly; a parent told their school they were worried about them ; Counsellors at school trying to help them; financial abuse heaped in top of this. It was so bad. It’s a miracle we survived his mental torture. But I kept going to my support groups. He also wanted me out of the house and applied daily pressure for this end” get out of this house!”, “Why don’t you just go”! “Look at you bullying me!”. “Why don’t you just go and leave me and the kids!”. Non stop, day after day. I was about the leave as his pressure combined with the professional telling me to go for my many daughters sake made me think I’ll go; but I didn’t want to give up the day to day care of my children to him and my youngest was younger than a pre-teen. I had made up my mind to go when I bumped into a woman who had a situation similar to mine years before and she said to not leave the family home with my teens in it. That gave me the strength to stay until the courts sorted it out. But everyone’s situation is different. Your situation is different to mine. My main priority in all of it would be to make sure the non abusive parent keeps the day to day care of the children. But no ideal way when dealing with an abuser. Just sharing my experience; take what you like and leave the rest.
Keep posting
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Thanks so much thats really helpful – everyone who has commented. I have had a long chat with my solicitor again this morning and she has advised that based on my husbands behaviour/character/ likely aspergers/n********t so very manipulative/calculated etc we need to try and get him out the house….so I;m going to ask him one last time and if he says no she will write to him and then if he still doesn’t go we apply for an occupation order while we sort out the finances. That way I’m not up routing my daughter or giving him any chance to manipulate the situation so that it looks like I’m the bad person etc….It might be a few more months before I can move on with my life but I’ve done (detail removed by moderator) so what is a few months…. I really don’t think he will get physically aggressive now as he’s too worried what others will think…but if he did I would have no hesitation in calling the police…Thanks for all your support, every situation is complex and while the local womens aid worker said I shouldn’t worry about the 50/50 access I can’t make myself OK with it so I will do anything I can for him not to get that….x
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Start gathering evidence of his abuse for your plan. Keep a detailed journal and if you can secretly record any abuse then think about that too. It’s a dangerous game you play this way so be very alert to his escalation especially after he get a letter from your solicitor. Another lady on here reported the abuse to the police and they persuaded her abuser to move out. Just something to think about.
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Yes thanks so much – I will make notes of everything and will be on guard…I know I’m taking a risk but I couldn’t live with myself if my daughter got taken from me or he got 50/50 or more…I feel I owe this to her. She’s on the spectrum too and I really worry about her accepting me in a new house if he was still there….Thanks so much for your support and I’ll keep you updated x*x
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Use the part about her welfare in your occupation order and how she needs you and to stay in her own home. Get your GP to support you in This. Start getting your GP or other healthcare workers on your side. It’s terrible when they refuse to move out. Speaks volumes about their selfish controlling behaviour x
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Your situation is almost identical to mine 🙁
I split with my ex in (detail removed) and he is still living in the family home, refusing to go, as we jointly own the house. I’m done with him but can’t move on and am still tied to him while he Carries on with emotional abuse, your right when you say it’s exhausting!
I’ve been to many different professionals all who have different advice it is so confusing. I too was about to leave and just about to pay a holding deposit when I spoke to a solicitor who advised me against leaving as mortgage would not be paid, I’d lose house and be blacklisted so I bottled out.
I’ve downloaded the occupation order to fill out but that’s not easy to do either and fills me with anxiety.. especially when he gets the order and hes still here.
I hope we can both find solutions x -
OMG Starry that does sound very similar to me!
So (detail removed by moderator) I asked him to move out and basically he refused, says couldn’t afford it etc etc. Then when I said we have to move forward with selling the house etc he said, yes after xmas and I can get my friend who is an estate agent to do it….as if I’m going to let him do that and probably hide money…then he was going on about how we wouldn’t need solicitors and could just sort everything between us as wasn’t going to be complicated! Then told me he would be having our daughter 50%….
Also I found out this week that in (detail removed by moderator) he had named me on his business as (detail removed by moderator) and a (detail removed by moderator) ago apparently I ‘resigned’…..I didn’t know anything about any of this but he’s definitely up to something! He’s also been crying and saying his business is about to go under, he’s lost loads on his car that it on loan so can’t sell it etc and basically that he;s in a financial mess which is very odd as I know he’s very obsessed with money…I just don’t get him…
After all this I don’t know how I can stay in the house with him but also if I move out I realised he would then have control of selling the house and would probably do me over with the sale of that and get his friend to do it….I feel like I’m completely stuck. Especially as it’s christmas and no one wants houses until after xmas.
Also re occupation orders, based on my circumstances the womens aid worker didn’t seem to think I would get one…..
WELL AMD TRULY STUCK! Wish I had just taken house and gone!
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