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My ex recently damaged one of my kids’ items that I purchased. When I asked him to pay me back for the damaged item he refused. It wasn’t expensive so it’s not like I was requesting to be reimbursed a large amount, but I believe that if he damaged something I purchased with my own money he should repay me for it. Ever since then I’ve stopped sending my kids’ items to his house when I can avoid it. He needs to have his own things for them at his place and not rely on what I purchase.
I recently picked my kids up from his house for school and none of them were in the proper school attire despite me having provided him with the school calendar and all the school information re: required outfits. Of course he blamed me & said it was my job to provide him with the kids’ school clothes which I feel is absolutely preposterous. There is no reason why I should have to buy clothes for him to use when the kids are at his house. I’m so angry but also proud that I stood up for myself and told him he responsible for purchasing his own items. I can see he messaged me back but I didn’t read it because I know it’s just a bunch of rambling gaslighting nonsense. I’m furious but proud that I didn’t set my boundaries and walked away. I also notified the school about what’s going on.
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Oh wow, well done singlemomsurvivor.. putting boundaries in place is moving on and something your ex isn’t used to, power to you. Keep putting boundaries in place bit by bit…
When my ex husband kept making excuses to come in mine and kids home (this was a few years ago, zero contact now) it used to make me ill, as in I didn’t realise that I could decide whom enters our home… my eldest told her dad in the end (I feel guilty for that as he would not listen to me)… fast forward a few years, Freedom Programme and Pattern Change course… I now put boundaries in with all involved in my life…
You are doing amazing
HFH ❤️-
Thank you so much HFH. It’s become clear to me that he is so disturbed he’s even willing to do things to the kids to get revenge at me. He knew it was a school day, he knew the kids needed to be dressed and ready for school, he knew what they were required to wear and he knew that I had told him weeks prior that he’d need to get his own school clothes. Not having them dressed and ready was a deliberate and conscious decision on his part. There’s absolutely no other explanation. And blaming me for it is typical abuser behavior. It’s upsetting to me and totally threw off my day but I’m happy that I said what I had to say and cut the conversation off because I now know better then to try to have any sort of rational conversation with him. And can you imagine if I had done what he did? He’d be calling me all sorts of unfit mum etc etc. All of it just insanity- to blame me for him not having clothes for his own children. And even worse he didn’t even communicate to me that he didn’t have the proper clothes for them and instead just allowed me to figure it out when I picked them up. He’s a terrible person and I’m happy I got away.
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I feel you both. Ex didn’t dress up little one in uniform as he can’t be bothered buying extra pair himself.
The type of things they do. Even had the guts to message me saying I should have given him the uniform I had. I felt really bad for the little one for not wearing uniform. So I dropped it off to school. These guys will never change. And I’m really proud of you for having boundaries. These guys hate anything to do with boundaries. Especially when it’s at their inconvenience. -
This has been on my mind a lot ex pays maintenance but still I’m sending them with everything shouldn’t they have it?he will also ask me for things nappies wipes etc or my family buys it for him I’ve now started to say if he dosent like something I bring to purchase it himself but I get the I pay maintenance talk
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My understanding of child maintenance is that the money mums receive is to help us take care of the kids’ needs when they are in our homes and under our care. Maintenance is not supposed to cover the children’s expenses when they are at their father’s house. Dads are supposed to have the items the kids need and not rely on us to provide it to them. I used to send things with my kids when they were going to their dad’s house, including their toothbrushes, pajamas, sometimes extra clothes, etc but then someone on this forum helped me realize it’s not my responsibility to do that. I’ve stopped doing it and it’s been really wonderful. Makes exchanges much simpler for me as I’m not rushing around trying to pack up items for the kids. Now I just hand them over to him and expect him to take care of the rest.
But these men are so manipulative and convincing. They know how much we love our kids and they play on that to make us feel guilty that if the kids don’t have what they need when they are with him then it’s our fault. For example I absolutely know it’s not my fault my kids weren’t dressed for school when I picked them up. I did everything right- communicate with their father, give him advanced notice about the school outfit requirements, tell him directly he’d need his own set of school clothes for the kids at his house and even despite all of that I felt little waves of doubt start to creep up in my mind today. Like, was it my fault the kids weren’t dressed for school? Is he right? And then I had to immediately shut those thoughts down and remember that I’m not responsible for his shortcomings and it’s not my job to do his parenting work for him.
It’s like even once you’re no longer with them you still have to work to deprogram yourself and undo all the twisted logic they got you to believe. I’m still working on that but have come a really long way. -
It boils my blood.dosent help that courts have took his side so he’s laughing .constantly manipulating saying that he pays maintenance so I should be grateful but I look after them every day and night minus a measly few hours a week and he even makes ex uses for that they are horrible beings he even coerced me into pregnancy and had a loads woman I never knew about now he’s laughing and abusing me further they are mean people
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It’s absolutely maddening isn’t it!! The mind games these men continue to play even after we’ve left them and tried to move on. I’m sure my ex is off somewhere right now telling everyone what an irresponsible mother I am for not giving him school clothes for our children. I’m sure he actually believes it to be my fault. He’s such a miserable terrible person.
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