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I’m being gaslighted aren’t I? I’m losing my poor lovely mum and its all happening quite fast. I’ve seen her a lot, we’ve had one or two emotional moments, enough for us, we’re not big on those displays, but it is happening now and it’s hard and heartwarming at the same time to see people who visit who truly love and have loved her. I ‘ve managed to keep to some boundaries with my Dad (I’ve mentioned his abuse of her on here before and how much it’s triggered me) and set a time limit on how much I’m with him sometimes it’s worked really well. I’ve also seen how he uses the sympathy card, how he dominates in a conversation and I’m never in any doubt about the kind of person he is. But he is the person I have to go through know to find out Mum’s progress (I don’t mean that in any positive way), she can’t speak on the phone. I’ve had a problem today which has meant I couldn’t get over there, I’m some distance away. We all feel it could be anyday now. Basically, I think I am so programmed, and this is such an emotional time, it’s hard to stay objective with him. But I am aware that often there are certain relatives there, who don’t see him the same way I do and are sympathetic to him and when he’s on the phone he’s performing for them as much as responding to the phone call. I want to be with Mum anyway, obviously, but now, my problem stopping me going is solved and I’m dashing over there asap, stayng over night with another relative, which will be ok, but not a relaxing evening and taking my daughter, who has no choice. Then I’ll visit again in the morning before bringing my daughter back early to do an activity we’d planned and which I don’t want to let her down on.
Dad’s tone (probably very subtly so that only I will really respond to it), when i mentioned not coming was, disappointed, disapproving and more, all at the same time, by using probably 3 or 4 words. The pull is that I have been so close to Mum that anything I can do to help care for Mum so close to the end, I want to do. And I now have my plan for the weekend, which will probably exhaust me and mean I don’t get things done here, but which I am doing. His comment then is, ‘you don’t have to come’!
I am glad, if that’s the right word, that I know so much about abuse and I can kind of pick ;my way through this, knowing that afterwards I will probably feel stronger again and can stick to my own plans better.
Does this seem like gaslighting? I know I’m writing quickly so hoping it makes sense. Somehow to know that I’m right here would; help. Ifeel alone with this.
Many thanks
Eve
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It is good that you see your father as emotionally manipulate and are aware that he is toxic to you. He probably does have some relatives fooled, this is not a surprise since abusers also need individuals in their “harem” to support and encourage and believe them no matter what he does. Find strength in your instincts, protect your daughter, and know that you do not need to prove anything to anyone. That is a tactic to try and get you to behave and live up to someone elses expectations. An abuser likes to cause pain so do what you want to do and see your mom yet also take care of self care too and do not push yourself to the point of exhaustion. Take care and know that you are not alone. I care and other survivors care too.
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You know the quality and truth of your relationship with your mum. You don’t need his approval or agreement.
Abusers will use heightened moments in life- pregnancies, christenings, illnesses, weddings, to execute their ugly power games. They will try to disturb our peace when we want to focus on something. They will try to upset us and make us feel guilty over nothing. This is because they sense we are in an emotionally vulnerable state, feeling less strong, or because they are not being the focus of attention.
Can you go through someone else to find out how she is?
Mental strength is needed here to protect you and to allow you to go through this important time with your mum. When you see him or speak with him, imagine they there is a plastic bubble around you, that is protecting you and means that his nasty behaviour cannot touch you. I use this visualisation tool a lot.
He has no right to force his abuse onto the situation and onto you. They have no respect, no integrity. Ignore his pathetic behaviour. Not all the relatives will understand who he really is, but you don’t need their understanding. You know the truth.
You and your mum and your relationship are the priority here. x
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Thank you
Yes, Older Lady, it definitely is emotional manipulation
Serenity, today I used the plastic bubble and it definitely helped. Yes I can think of several of those occasions when my abusive ex husband ruined things for me, one of our own children’s christenings in fact.
Very helpful words. Thank you.
Love
Eve
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