Gaslighting question

[savingthestars]

I have been looking online, because I want to understand this a bit better… gaslighting, from what I understand it is when an abuser makes out that the victim is a bad person… to professionals and to the victim themselves. Does that mean that the abuser will say things like “you had your claws in me, but now I give up on you” or perhaps tell professionals that they are very concerned with their victims mental health. Say, the victim starts to stand up to the abuser, so that power is gone. He/She needs to regain it by saying they are slipping? And, perhaps say that their own behaviours dont impact on the job they are doing, eg as a parent or a lawyer, banker ext.

[KIP.]

Gaslighting “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity”
“in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband”

My ex would tell me I was delusional. Would tell me things he swore he had told me but hadn’t at all. He would say that he had said things that actually I had said. I became so confused by his lies that I began to doubt reality. I felt I was going mad.

Lying to professionals is different. But my ex was a pathological liar and I see on here that most abusers are too. Don’t believe a word he says x I started a thread on here about Gaslighting. It’s probably still on here if you do a search. KIP x

[Tiffany]

Gaslighting can be used to make the other person to look bad, but it’s definition as far as I understand is behaving in a way or saying things that make the victim doubt their grip on reality. So they might hide your keys to make you think you are forgetful and disorganized. Or make up events or conversations and convince you that they happened to make you believe that your memory can’t be trusted. Mental health issues are a great one for gaslighting too, especially if you actually have one – for example they might tell you that the response of crying all the time when they abuse you isn’t because of their behaviour, it’s because you have depression and that makes you cry all the time. Basically they make you think you are mad so that when you question what they are doing they can pretend it didn’t happen, or didn’t happen as you remember it. They can sometimes bring other people in on the gaslighting, like getting mental health professionals involved, but I suspect that this wouldn’t be that common unless you already had a diagnosed mental health issue, because there would be a risk that other people outside the relationship would spot what he was doing and tell the victim that their issue was him and his behaviour, not their mental health.

The best tactic to use to overcome gaslighting is to write down all the incidents of abuse somewhere safe so that you can keep reminding yourself that it did happen, rather than accepting his account of what happened. If your partner is moving things to make you think you are mad then memorising where you have put certain important things (like your keys) and noting if they move can also help.

[KIP.]

The doctors I saw for years simply treated the symptoms. They didn’t look into the cause of my anxiety and depression which was my abusive husband. So I spent years trying to fix a problem that was never mine. It wasn’t until I found women’s aid that it all made sense. My abuser was deliberately trying to destroy me. The man I married, my life partner and father of my child. How could I have known such evil exists. I didn’t realise for decades I was being abused. As you say it’s so insidious x

[savingthestars]

Thanks KIP, sounds heartless but I am so glad to hear that. In the respect of, I am not alone, and the situation is so “the same” I am glad that you were able to find out what/who caused it. I think that the abuse may have left me somewhat brain damaged, as I still get shakes. Sounds stupid and people would probably disagree that it has anything to do with it, but I do wonder due to having to use your brain so much… questioning, doubting ext.

[Twisted Sister]

Gaslighting is what an abuser does to a victim directly.

Makes them question their own sanity because they create a deliberate situation to make you question your own sanity.

It came from the film, or the famous film demonstrated clearly thr meaning of the word.

In the film, the husband had met and married a wealthy propertied woman and set about messing with the gas supply to make the lights flicker, then telling her nothing happened, amongst other things. Like committing to something and then denying you had the conversation.

This makes someone wonder whether they are misremembering, and start to doubt their own mind! As its so far from normal behaviour that it doesnt wnter our minds that someone could possiybe so disingenuous and manipulative.

We assume others are like us in our interactions,and something like this is so far out of normal it doesnttseem to enter our head that aomeone who loves us would be capabale of such cruelty. That plays to their cruel game.

Most would not automatically jump to the conclusion that a person is capable of this, or that it even exists as a tactic

Like do people really do this, yes, absolutely some do, and ita very convincing and very damaging.

Its also very hard to convince hard people that some.are capable and absolutely do do this, as KIP has said.

Its all him trying to mess up your head and make you doubt your own sanity, which in turn causes real harm to your sense of who you are and your trust in the world.

Warmest wishes

TS

[KIP.]

I get the shakes because of the abuse. It’s the adrenaline rushing through our bodies when we consciously or subconsciously remember abuse. I needed counselling for quite some time and have PTSD. Have you asked your GP for help?

[savingthestars]

I haven’t. I, like you, have gone to docs about the symptoms; back pain, shakes, heart palpatations, memory loss… losing use of extremities. its not until now, that i can see what he did… I didnt realise that I was suffering from anything.. I thought I had Parkinsons to be honest, or MS.

[Camel]

Hi Savingstar

I found Pilates helped me to reconnect with my body and control the frightening stuff – rapid breathing, racing heart, sweating. My brain felt damaged too, though for me my thoughts were a thousand loose threads that kept unravelling and slipping out my fingers. (It’s hard to articulate it now, sorry) Believe me when I say it will pass, just as your physical symptoms will pass. It just takes time. x

[KIP.]

All your symptoms are what I had. I thought I had early onset dementia. I couldn’t concentrate enough to read a book. It takes time but therapy helps at least to understand your symptoms and deal with them. Keep posting. Panic attacks cause a lot of those symptoms x

[Author]

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