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My eldest has been quite angry and disrespectful to me this past week.
He’s unsure about his future and is trying to assert his independence ( which is healthy), but he’s been rude and not very respectful to me. Add to that his dad trying to lead him astray, raise his hopes and then let him down and my mum threatening to cut my son out of her will if he leaves school, etc, it’s been a painful week.
Last night, I’d had enough. Normally mild mannered, I am afraid I told him in no uncertain terms that he was being horrible, that he was behaving like his dad this week – things I don’t normally say.
I felt really guilty as I don’t like getting angry, but my friend came over today ( as I felt very panicky ) and she said sometimes kids needs to hear a few home truths. I think I was even a little bit snappy with my youngest though, which I feel bad about. I’m never like that, and said sorry to my youngest this morning.
I still feel guilty though.
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The guilt comes from being with an abuser. It’s conditioning. I also would question if it’s guilt or fear of consequences from confrontation. You have a lot of triggers going on here. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Take a step back and ask yourself if a friend told you that she had given her son a dressing down because of his behaviour, what would your reaction be? Mine would be, good for her, everybody deserves to be treated with respect. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re teaching him respect. They will push the boundaries until we push back X
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Hun
your human too, your allowed to get angry too , so what if you told your eldest some home truths , sometimes they do need to hear it , i could say to you try and refrain saying his like his dad, but then at some points i say to my son to youa re behaving like your eldest, i tend to word it that their behaviour is incorrect, not approved of and disrespectful and i justify why it s wrong, and point out this is how their dad would of behaved and reracted.
The reason i avoid saying they are like their dad as each one is different and sadly living with an abuser they pick up on their habits, our role is tos et the correct example. Dom not worry if u get angry with your n kids now and again , im sure u are under pressure too hence feeliing irriated. you dont need to feel guilty just for stating the truth in a firm voice, kids need boundaries
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Hi I totally relate to this, my eldest is an adult, not his I need to add, but the last few months he has shown signs of the abuser, anger, frustration, putting me on my place. He also tries to tell me what I can and can’t, should or shouldn’t do. It is scary. I know at times I get angry too, frustrated, etc it is like neither of us can say or do anything that reminds us of our abuser as it triggers awful memories. If I say anything like, you sound just like him, he says that the abuser doesn’t copyright sayings! Sadly our children do pick up from abusers though. I just try to encourage my son to be independent and he also had severe bullying at school, then was coming home to a Billy St home with the perpetrator. My other children have a different Dad and are also adults, but sadly both have horrible traits from their Dad. I have tried to not be upset and think as they get older it’s their choice how to act. Fingers tightly crossed they will all be safe, happy and contented in their own lives. Unfortunately one of mine is with an abuser, I wish with all my heart that it hadn’t happened again but it has & she has kids of her own, now all in a different country. The second abusive marriage. I sometimes wonder if our kids are genetically like us or if it’s how we bought them up or life being ariund abusers. Difficult one. I also think if we are too soft the kids take advantage, if we are too strict they rebel. It’s like a balancing act. A hard one to get right too.. Mine have all been bought up the same but are all entirely different xx
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Thank you.
It is the remnants of being with my ex- and my childhood too, I think: I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry, yet was expected to put up with all sorts.
I’m glad I fumed at him, in a way. He knowsI don’t intend to be a walkover. And he’s suggested himself that he joins a gym, to get rid of his negative energy, so maybe it’s helped him reflect a bit. He apologised too, and it seemed genuine.
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Serenity,
Your totally allowed to say that! It’s triggering and boundaries must be in place. Your his Mum his parent & his rock, and that’s what being a parent is about. We have to challenge disrespect, for their future…it’s not ok, to harp on too much! Without consequences…good on you in a positive way!
Parenting is not a easy you did good, and it will have long lasting beneficial effects, he’s your son you love him and vice versa!
Cx
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