general idea about abuse is and ex is up to old tricks

[Jupiter]

Hi

We hear the common words from people that abuse is in the past now and we must move on etc. Of course we do our best to make new lives for ourselves and do this in our own way in time.It is not an overnight task but I get annoyed or frustrated when some of us have an ex who will not give up wanting to sabotage our lives -even many years later.My more former husband still wants to hurt me through our grandchildren by using more subtle methods to cause isolation from the family just like decades ago. He has also passed misinformation on to my grown kids who have then told their wives the same. It drives me crazy and he has worked this out so that I am alone with the truth of what has happened.I have never told my kids about their abusive dad to avoid distressing them or driving them away when I have struggled to build our contact for a lifetime. There is so much detail to this story but I feel that at times the past is linked to the present when you have a sadistic ex who is addicted to tactics of sabotage.If I mention the past in any way my kids say they dont want to know so this is a problem.They dont know the truth and my ex depends on this silence .
I cant be the only one in this situation?

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

IM not sure how to guide u as dont have experience that could help u with that, but just wanted to show u support, hope some one else can help u , maybe you should, lsay to your kids I just need to tell youonce and then after that its upto u how u feel , or maybe as hard as it is and put a stone on your heart ans dsay u are not going to give a reaction to his lies

[Serenity]

Hi Jupiter,

I feel feel for you in your situation.

You’ve done so well to behave correctly, to try to rise above it and not drag your kids into the politics of it all. For this, you should be very proud, and I hope it gives you a lot of self-esteem. When you lay your head on your pillow at night and thoughts come to you, you have nothing to berate yourself for. You can know you’ve done your best.

My parents still talk badly about each other decades after they split. I’ve been getting more annoyed by this, especially as I know that I have generally managed to. It do the same to my kids.

When I was going through it a lot last year, and my ex was creating lies about me ( he still is), – I think in order to turn the kids against me, as he was jealous of my love for my children and also wanted to take everything financially- I felt like a fox being hunted. My ex was trying to turn my son’s against the very mother who loved them so much.

All I can say is, just carry on being you, and be proud of being you. You have something he will never have- peace about yourself ( abusers are never at peace with themselves).

Your ex might be doing a good job of play acting- but if you don’t respond to his efforts of playing ball with you, he can’t touch you. They have nothing to twist if you respond with silence.

I doubt very much that your kids see him as blameless and you as guilty. Kids know, under it all. They are probably fearful of facing a lot of truths, and fearful of the fall out of standing up to him. They’d rather block it.

He can go into old age, spreading rubbish until he’s on his death bed, but you have precious years to enjoy.

Our kids need to learn their own truths in their own time 💛

[Jupiter]

Hi Confused 123

Thanks for your support–it means everything when you live alone and find life difficult.

As we are all survivors we are strong people and appreciate the simple but wonderful things on our path.Yes it is not easy but great this forum is here for us providing a sense of community.

After a long struggle I do have a good relationship with my adult kids despite the miles between us.I hope this gives some comfort to others.Dawn comes after night!
Jupiter x

[Serenity]

PS : I think it’s very important that we work to bat off their covert and overt criticism. Without knowing it, we can internalise it and even believe it, and our self-esteem suffers greatly.

We can begin to feel like we are the ones at fault and that we are undeserving.

We need to always remind ourselves that their abuse came from a place within them. It is them who has serious issues. Many abusers are good at hiding hoe sick they are inside- hence the phrase ‘mask of sanity.’

But yes, they are sick inside. Ironically, it’s us who ends up needing support for our mental health because of the what they throw at us.

[Jupiter]

Hi Serenity
I just read your message now and it has helped a lot.
I feel for you too in your own struggles–it is a nightmare when your ex has a revenge campaign on the go and they are being so manipulative .As you say they must have no peace-their mind must be like a sewer tormenting them every waking moment.Yes we are the ones with the truth and real love for our children.it must be horrible to have your parents attacking each other still but you are the better person rising above their mess.Some people abuse their power and a native american proverb says that man has responsibility not power.How true! I love this wisdom.I used to think that my ex has everything eg a new wife country cottage money and so on but things dont last.Love does and so does wisdom.This can help us all to survive our lives because this is wealth that nasty people are blocked off from.
Take care for now.
Jupiter xx

[EeyoreNoMore]

Sorry if this seems like a weird idea but could you write it down? I guess it all happened a good while ago but it would be like writing your memoirs? It could be cathartic to write it all down, then if you wish your children to read it they could. Just a thought?

[Jupiter]

Hi Eyorenomore and Kip

Thank you for your messages too–they mean a lot to me.
Good idea about writing–just finished a book manuscript now about abuse etc.It is being scanned to memory stick at mo.All written in pen names of course.
Re children-yes a difficult one as sure kids may have mixed feelings about their cruel dad-in one way they are loyal and in another they suspect a lot of horrible skeletons in the cupboard.Hard for them when some truth is dawning but I am careful not to force anything but allowing them to access things slowly as they choose. It has taken a lot of self control as at times feel like screaming with frustration! Inside I do.
Writing drawing or singing is a great way to express the pent up feelings.
Jupiter x

[KIP.]

Hi, I believe your kids actually know the truth. Especially if they are now adults. It’s just too painful for them to deal with. It’s easier to minimise and ignore like we did for years. Who wants to admit their father is a disgusting abuser. Be gentle with yourself and keep building on your confidence and self esteem. If you discover a blatant lie I would quickly correct them. Otherwise, you ex is trying to stir things up. My ex has told my step daughter not to contact me and is working on our son. He’s desperate to keep us apart in case I tell the truth. Trouble is, they already know and choose to keep the peace as much as they can too.

[Author]

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