get out plan – advice on best way of doing it

[escapologist-in-training]

Hi All,
So, I have a vague plan of exit but I’m not sure about at what stage to tell him, if at all. I know many people say no contact is best etc, but doesn’t this depend on the guy? I’m about to sign the contract on a house to rent and have a date on which we could move. It happens to be just before he goes abroad for a couple of weeks so it’s quite good timing. I was thinking that I could tell him that I want to finish everything on the same day that I get the keys to the new place, without having moved much in. If he kicks off or refuses to be rational and talk through future plans, I still have the option of just going anyway. But I’m hoping that there’s a chance he may be reasonable and work out a plan with me about access to the kids, possibly agree to divorce calmly etc. I’m worried that the more I hold back from him about my plans, the more angry and resentful he will be and I may then spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. What would anyone with previous experience say is best?? 🙂

[maddog]

Don’t do it without external specialised support such as women’s Aid, the police or a solicitor, or all of them in place. He won’t be reasonable. He will up the ante and things could well become dangerously out of hand. Don’t tell him anything.

You will need to do some safety planning. I know it may seem ridiculous at the moment, but moving away from an abusive relationship is a dangerous time and you will need all the help you can get.

I decided eventually to let the police deal with my ex.

[escapologist-in-training]

Thanks so much for your reply. Whilst I had thought I’d admitted to myself that this was abusive, all this now sounds so dramatic and I feel guilty for putting together an escape plan as if he’s a monster. I’m starting to go back to wondering if this is just me dramatising it all and not being empathetic enough about the stresses he has had on him. I mean, he’s never put me in hospital. Compared to what some woman experience, I expect my case is fairly trivial – just had a few bumps and bruises from being knocked around. Since he had a slap on the wrist from the police (he’s on probation at the moment), he hasn’t been at all aggressive and I think he’s pretty scared of what they could do next if he did anything more.

[KIP.]

You’re minimising his behaviour. It’s what abuse victims do. His violence either verbal or physical has become normal to you. He is dangerous. Please dont tell him you are leaving. Wait until he is abroad and let your solicitor contact him, I know it all seems dramatic but that’s because you cannot see the bigger picture. You are stuck in the FOG of abuse. The Fear, Obligation and Guilt. No woman should ever have to call the police on her partner. Should never fear her partner. Should never be abused by the very person she should trust most. Read the other posts on here. There’s is no reasonable behaviour from an abuser.

[Lightness]

Whatever you do he will be angry. You can be as reasonable as can be, but abusers are not normal. Just leave. You owe him nothing.
I left without discussion – best decision I made. I felt so guilty at the time but looking back now I see things so much more clearly. If you were held hostage would you discuss leaving? It’s not so different to that really.

[Author]

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