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There is a lesson in here somewhere. I have had the most relaxed couple of months. I was beginning to feel normal again, no contact was doing me the world of good. I felt more able more confident, I was more able to deal with people. I no longer felt that suicide was my only way out.
He has come home and we are nearly back to square one, once more the earth is being shook beneath my feet. As he jokingly talks about how he would have done things differently how there would be no mistakes, how I would not have got out had he carried out his threats all in jest of course. How quickly I hear the words look at you, what is the point in you , you are just a sad pointless life.
I felt my world had crumbled yesterday, wished myself out of here again, kicked myself for being so stupid as to think that things had changed. Everything was so much more intense because I had that stark contrast of real normality that I had not experienced for years. I am not sure he even recognises he does it, I almost feel like its second nature to him now that he cant stop himself.
My normality will resume and I will desensitise myself to it but it sucks and I hope that I don’t stop trying to get him out for good this time. It will never be quite the same because I think the no contact made the difference. He can talk me in circles and I cant say no. I have probably just missed the only real chance I had. I am an idiot. So if you get the chance, get out stay out because they really don’t change.
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Thinking of you. Please don’t let him completely talk you down. Although it may seem impossible, I bet last time you got away it seemed impossible. Please focus on the chance of getting away again.
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The hardest part is to recognise you are being abused. Now you know what’s happening and that he chooses to destroy you, it’s much easier to go when you put your mind to it. Survival mode will kick in and you will just realise you’ve had all you can take. Keep in touch with your local women’s aid for support x
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And stay very, very close to this Forum. You will get out or get him away from him again. Do not despair. You have awareness and even though awareness is painful you can’t take action without it. 3’s : Awareness, Acceptance and Action. You have the first 2, the action will come. Ok you can’t change the fact today that he is here with you today but today you can still do a few steps of’ your plan foe leaving.’ Practice extreme self care so you are strong. Eat as well as you can, get some walks and plenty of sleep (rest during day if you can’t sleep). I know this is hard as you will be doing all the giving (and the work) in your shared life and he will be doing all the taking and resting (so he has enough energy to abuse).
Also what helped me not feel so powerless was to start going through my possessions as part of my plan of leaving. I started to get rid of clothes, books paperwork, ornaments/etc, photos that I no longer needed or didn’t spark joy (Marie Kondo’s book ‘the life-changing magic of tidying up’ is very good. I found this psychologically very good and stopped me feeling helpless and mobile. Do one thing a day towards your plan of leaving. Even if that’s just coming on here. You know where you want to be (out of sn abusive relationship) now you just have to take small actions every day to get there. They will all build up. You will get free.
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Hi Hun
Dont worry if u took him back, you have already realized the difference it made not having him in your life, u will regain the strength to leave him again, keep posting on here for support, lots of people leve their ex then take them back and when the moment is right they leave again, dont listen to his negative comments, continue reading books on abuse so u dont get sucked in to his lies, it doesnt matter if he doesnt realize his doing wrong, it still wrong and if he doesnt realize he needs to be told
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Thank you all for your lovely replies, slowly I am hardening myself to him again and so there will be no repeat of yesterday when I was in bits. Months to start to feel better, days to undo it all again. Crazy. I spent so long prior to this break telling everyone that they were wrong to be concerned, I protected him in an attempt at not having anyone rock the boat. I was wrong, they were right. I dont want to become so bogged down that I forget they were right but I am not sure how I will stop it happening x
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