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Hi I’m new here. Please may I run this past you for thoughts:
My partner and I were walking the dog at the (detail removed by moderator). We climbed over a (detail removed by moderator) – me hands-free, he used his hands. Immediately I said (detail removed by moderator) and he rolled his eyes and said he didn’t have any. I said, worried, (detail removed by moderator). I looked in my bag and when it was taking me a while to find mine, he smirked and said (detail removed by moderator) He takes huge umbrage at the smallest criticism while putting me down all the time. I replied that I was not. I squirted some gel on his hands, then before I knew it, his hand, still wet with gel, was in my face, touching my mouth. Not a slap, but it was in my face. I was absolutely horrified on several levels (he has never been physically violent but knows I was in a previous violent relationship which saw me end up in a refuge), and said, in shock, (detail removed by moderator).
To summarise, he walked off, didn’t speak all the way home, didn’t speak to me all evening or the next day; when he came home from work (he has carried on going out despite having symptoms himself), he got angry because dinner was late, ranted on about the usual stuff, then the next day came home and said he was going to move into the (detail removed by moderator) because he “doesn’t feel comfortable around me” because I said it was violent.
W*F? Surely a normal person would have apologised profusely when he saw how I shocked and upset I was. He’s playing the victim!
Shoving your hand in somebody’s face is never ok is it, especially not right now!
Background:
He has been verbally abusive for (detail removed by moderator), ever since he started having trouble at work. Episodes always coincide with work trouble. He used to deny this then eventually signed up for CBT through NHS but didn’t take it up and was discharged…now once again denying his behaviour is unrelated to work worries – I know there’s a massive correlation…but I also know it’s an excuse and not a reason. He is worried about money and I lost my job (detail removed by moderator)…after losing my mum, a hideous campaign of bullying at work, falling under a (detail removed by moderator), months off sick with anxiety, having my job given to a man being paid twice as much, falling ill at work, having an injury and being diagnosed with a severe spinal problem, losing my flat, losing a lot of my belongings, being made redundant, nearly losing my dad (detail removed by moderator)… there’s been a lot going on for me. I have taken time out but have been so drained and unhappy and depleted of all confidence due to the constant criticism and put downs I have only applied for a few jobs – I’ve spent all (detail removed by moderator) of my redundancy money on paying my way over the last (detail removed by moderator) so I haven’t been spongeing but that isn’t good enough. I’m applying for stuff now but so is everyone else so worried I won’t get anything and abuse will ramp up. But I digress – the main thing is that touching something other people have touched and then shoving it in somebody else’s face is not on, is it?! -
All of what you have described is not on in a respectful relationship. I’m no longer with my abuser but I know for certain this lockdown would have made him a nightmare. Abusers seem to get worse when we are vulnerable. They don’t have a good side which other partners do. Most people step up in a crisis but abusers see it as a means to further abuse. I read an interesting quote recently that to dominate someone you must destroy their confidence and he’s doing that to you. To the point where you are questioning clearly abusive behaviour. Imagine a stranger did that to you. Put his hand in your mouth under these circumstances. He would be arrested and charge with at least assault. Why should the person who is supposed to take care of you get away with that x
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Hi and welcome to the forum. Look up the cycle of abuse, the FOG of abuse as well(fear obligation and guilt).
He is not respecting national restrictions and guidelines as well as your boundaries. Remember years ago when HIV was all over the news and people were deliberately infecting others, he is no better. Look up gaslighting, where a person is convincing you that your reality is wrong,constantly throwing you off balance.
Look up all the ways in which you can be abused, it’s not just physical. There’s financial abuse which is something I wasn’t aware of, cos when you’re in a relationship what’s yours is mine and mine is yours. But when you have nothing left, no rainy day fund, and it’s still more more more, that’s financial abuse too.
There’s sexual abuse too. Being forced/coerced into having sex or any sexual act when you don’t want to, you’re too tired, you’ve been made to feel like s..t, or he keeps on and on or goes into the huff, is constantly groping then plays the victim with phrases like, but you’re my wife, oh I cant touch my wife anymore, or the classic accusing you have having an affair,cos obviously you must be getting it elsewhere. These men NEVER accept responsibility for their actions or behaviour.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
IWMB 💞💞 -
They are huge boundary busters. Oh don’t tell Me what to do! I do what I want to do, watch this!! Entitled to do so in their brain. Not okay in yours though I see! Good for you! Then he goes off and pouts and gives you the silent treatment because of what he did that was abusive and violating? Typical.
Ahh yes, the true character of a person does shine forth in times like this, right? Just bubbles up and overflows. Kinda like sewage from a busted pipe. Bleechh! I really can’t tolerate being around anyone like this these days. Had me fill. Men like that need to be in a daycare somewhere with all the other 3 year olds.
And they like winding you up. Is great fun for them. Until you decide to not be connected to anyone like this, then best to do as little contact with him as possible. He enjoys getting you all flustered and getting comments out of you. I’d just withdraw it from him and maybe not go out for walks with him. Keep on with your own plans for your own life. It looks bleak right now, I know but it always does for one reason or another when alot of things are going on at once. I have to say however, there is something to when you decide and I mean really really decide that you won’t be treated like this anymore – things happen. Doors open. As long as we go round and round trying to sort out the crazymaking, we won’t ever see those doors and will be too tired to even look.
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