Getting him out

[seaside lass]

Hi,

I’ve recently had my eyes opened to the fact that my husband has been emotionally abusing me for years. I visited my local refuge today and talked some things through, the biggest (and best) thing I found out was that as the house is in my name, and I am financially independent when my husband leaves I can change the locks, with no legal repercussions. If I was going to be leaving him we could pack up, and just not be there when he came home-but, it’s different wanting him out. I’ve never liked arguing, and we have done a lot, and I can’t face telling him to go as I know he will twist things round so that it’s all my fault, and my kids have witnessed too much arguing and I don’t want to put them through any more. So, what I’m wanting to do is just text him that i no longer want to be with him, that I’m sick of the moods, the moaning, belittling, put downs, never being listened to, walking on egg shells, treated like c**p, getting nothing out of the relationship, the list goes on, the thing that has snapped me inside is being called a c*** 3 times on Christmas Day (which turns out he can’t remember, I told him about it in an argument last week when I’d cooked spaghetti for tea on Friday and not steak, before I jogged his memory he said what he’d called me then he was probably right, and when I told him he shrugged!!) do you think I’m taking the easy way out texting him? I’ve already got a mortise lock for which he doesn’t have a key for, I just feel so weak not facing him to do this, but I have been through so much these past few years I just want to feel like me again. I’m scared of being on my own, and what’s going to happen, he’s very popular and is always in the local pubs and I know he’ll paint me as the bad guy, we live in a very small community. And then I feel stupid for getting in this situation, why didn’t I see this happening, why has it taken me this long. But, I do have two wonderful children that wouldn’t be here, and not for one second do I regret my babies, I suppose I have to cling to that

[godschild]

He is treating you very badly and you have every right to do this, facing him and telling him would not help you would just get mroe abuse, they all try to paint you as the bad Guy. Many women on here are able to give you more advise than me, as they have got away, but seek help as much as you can as he will most likley step up his abuse in any way he can and as you a have children he will have contact with them and could be very awkward xx

[Confused123]

Hun

The house is on your name solely,what a bonus, call womens aid and get help to have him removed from house, yes u have two wonderful kids who u need to protect, doesnt mean cause its just emotional its acceptable, they always say they forget and dont remember, get an occupancy order so he cant be in house, please dont think u have to do this alone, so much support available u just have to take, they make us feel so guilty , make us think we exaggerate, its our fault, its not. They always r mr popular, people dontt know what they r like behind closed doors . Your not stupid, they make us feel embarrassed but its there shame not ours, nobody wants to be toxic relationship, focus on getting him out , it doesnt matter what people think or say, today we will be gossip next month it will be some one else gossip, end of day u r the one suffering , what u think is what u should mattter

[Ayanna]

You could tell the entire neighbourhood that he abuses you and the kids and you want him out. That would change the dynamics and maybe some neighbours will help you to chase him away …

[seaside lass]

Hi ladies,

Thank you for replying.

Confused123, I don’t need an occupancy order, I asked at the refuge and she checked with someone (I forget who she said) and I’m within my rights to change the lock, in fact the only thing his name is on is the council tax and electoral register, bills are all in my name too.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that I’m just going to text him. He’s done it to me in the past when we’ve been arguing, he’s text to say he’s not coming back, so I’m going to give him the same respect that he’s given me all those times! If I was leaving we’d just be gone, so it’s sort of the same. Although, I do think I will leave him a bag of stuff in the garage (it’s not near our house), just so he knows I mean it, and he’s not claiming I left him with nothing-he’ll have clean underwear.

The hardest thing I’m finding doing this is how much I wish my mam was still here, I lost her 4 years ago and I need her so much now.

Hugs xx

[magicnumber]

Good luck Seaside Lass! You are very lucky – or smart! – to have a house in your name, that is a huge blessing. He will rant and rage but eventually… maybe he’ll calm down. At least you have a roof over your head and the kids are not disrupted by moving. I think its worth considering what Ayanna says, tell your neighbours whats being going on and why he can’t be there going forward. I know, shock horror, what will the neighbours think? I didn’t tell anybody what what going on and now I wish I had, i wish had run to our friends or his family saying he was going crazy. I didn’t. I guess I was ashamed. But now I look like the mad person who just ran off and he can say things to people and twist it that way and I am not there to explain. I made up silly excuses because i didn’t want to be stigmatised. It hasn’t been long but its been long enough for me to think this much anyway and I wish i had not protected him and his image, I should have said exactly why i had to leave before i did.

[newlife2015]

I wish I had told ‘our’ friends and neighbours exactly what my ex was like when I left him (because he kept promising to move out but never did the decent thing) – since I moved out I have lost many so called friends but I know it is because he has manipultated the truth and played the victim and they will all have thought ‘poor him’ as I left unannounced one day (with the advice and support from Womans Aid) so he played the victim! However, I do know that the few friends that I have left are real friends now which is great x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi there Seaside Lass ,- how are you today?

My ex refused to leave the family home – and so when we could take no more of how he was treating us we were forced to leave – and so on day I summoed up enough courage and I finally did it – we upped and left him.

To all those around who were not aware of what had been going on behind those 4 walls for years and years, it would have been totally out of the blue.
And I’m sure he went around spreading his ‘poor me’ story of how I’d taken the kids and left him with no warning – BUT he wasn’t/isn’t very well liked and has very few friends – so I’d like to think that those who knew me well would have known I did not just up and leave him one day for NO reason…….

HE could have/should have done the decent thing and let me and the kids remain in tne family home – but he would not go – so I let him sit with it!!!!! He’s welcome to it now – we have our own house now and are much happier away from there and all the bad memories.

One things sure and certain – when a marriage breaks up you DO then find out who your REAL friends are – I had a friend who helped me move our personal belongings out of the house and stored them for me until we found somewhere to live – I had a friend who let me stay rent free in a house she had access to – I had friends who gave me dishes, pots, bedding, towels etc for or new home – and friends who were there to listen, to care and offer support.
They wwere ALL amazing!!! 🙂

BUT there was one ‘friend’ who I thought cared – and she went on to be ‘on his side’ and spread nasty vicious lies about me – so yip you sure do get to know who your REAL friends are!!!!!

So how are you doing Seaside Lass?

What’s the latest with you?

x*x

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