Getting it out my head – things I didn’t recognise until after

[Anonymous]

Things I feel but won’t ever say:

When I was with you I learned to be small, you said (detail removed by moderator) no, most of the time you were happy and I was happy that you were happy, life was easier when you were and I had no idea what my own happiness felt like.
I loved you more than I loved myself – I sacrificed for you like I’d given birth to you…and in many ways I did. I made you the man you became and it only cost me my sanity, my health, my peace, and at times my goodness.

I swallowed my words and each time a little piece of my self-respect died. I stopped buying things for myself so you could have more. I said sorry when you hurt me because I didn’t want you to feel bad. I stopped looking after myself because all my energy was gone looking after you. I lost my mind because you made me doubt my own reality and experience. You made me ignore, suppress, deny my feelings.
Eventually you didn’t need to be violent so often to keep control, you knew that I’d learned the warning signs well enough to achieve the ends you wanted by threat, through words and rage and anger. And I saw this as progress!

Then when all you could see was a shell of the woman I was, you sat me down and listed each and every one of my losses as reasons why you didn’t love me any more…. I was so shell shocked I could barely speak.

I packed up my little bag, like me my things took up such little space, and I went away and you had “new me” to make you feel better about how much I’d changed, how unhappy I made you…you never could see the truth…. it was you who changed me; it was impossible to make you happy the standards just weren’t human and the goalposts moved too often.

So you garnered sympathy and cast dispersion about me to everyone who’d listen…still I kept your secret…who’d listen? I still loved you…I saw it as dignity not to engage in the tactics you deployed to make me look bad. Here I never saw the truth… there’s a difference between telling the truth and you telling your lies.

But it worked for you… people were neutral….they understood why you’d cheated…even when the violence started with “new me” and in her defense I finally spoke…even then they accepted the “it’s not all his fault” narrative after all you’d made us look crazy…it was easy to do because you drove us there.

Looking back now I should have left many many many times. But I don’t hold anything but protective love and accepting sadness for the woman I was…you won’t make me hate her anymore.

Looking forwards? I see the woman I was always meant to be, made up of every little piece of ME.

[Lifeinterrupted]

I just want to say that so much of what you have written resonates with me. You have expressed many things I have felt and thought but am finding hard to out into words. I am working through feelings about the person I was back then, and I too feel protective and sad for her. Thank you for sharing xx

[Anonymous]

Dear lifeinterrupted

Thank you so much for this and apologies for the delay in replying I haven’t been online but your supportive and kind message made coming back on today a lot easier 🙂

Take care and best wishes xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Thank you for sharing. This is such powerful statement on how abusive relationships rob us of our authentic self.
But your humanity and courage can never be taken away by anyone!

[Anonymous]

Dear Empoweredhealing,

Thank you so much for this and apologies for the delay in replying I haven’t been online but I’m really grateful for your kindness and encouragement. Thank you again.

Take care and best wishes xx

[Author]

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