Getting over this

[Lavenderrose]

Having yet another sway in my feelings. Like I still love him?! How can this be, after everything? I feel like I miss him. I hate that it’s come to all of this. I know his behaviour got us here and I know the relationship wasn’t good. I just feel sad about it. All wanted was to be loved.
I want to be able to move on but I know I need to heal. Where do I start? My confidence has taken a huge hit and it was never great before anyway.
Advice would be greatly appreciated xx

[KIP.]

You’re grieving for the relationship and the future you thought you would have and that’s natural. Sadly he will never change and he has shown you his true colours. His behaviour will destroy your confidence. That’s why zero contact is really important if you want to heal quicker. So you start with accepting that it’s ok to grieve. Then you take back control of the situation which will help your confidence. Slowly standing up to the bully who has chipped away at your self esteem. Start building a new life and interest and hobbies away from your ex as much as possible. Be your own best friend, lots of self love. And remember this time of year is difficult for lots of people. Many emotions so take time for yourself. Perhaps get some counselling if you haven’t already x

[Escapee]

Hi Lavenderrose,

It’s crazy isn’t it? You know for your own sanity you need to stay away but you sit there in floods of tears just wishing you could be with him.

I even seriously thought about having another attempt at making it work. I thought about all those years together, how we knew each other so well and about all his good points. But within 2 weeks I had 3 red flags – thank goodness I recognise them for what they are. One was aggressive and then I remembered when I had gone back before and how his aggressive side really showed it’s face.

I’ve retreated back to safety, knowing now I have to just face this pain and start to learn to respect and love myself.

My heart goes out to you because it does hurt. I walk across fields with my dogs and cry my eyes out for everything I thought I could have and all that I can’t.

Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to have someone in my life that genuinely loves me just for me and not who they think they can manipulate me into being.

With love and empathy,
Escapee x

[Lavenderrose]

@escapee thank you for your comment. I never imagined I’d feel so up and down with all this. I honestly thought once I left I’d move on especially as the abuse to a degree has continued.
I think for me the biggest thing I struggle with is why has he been so awful to me, he claimed I was the love of his life ? I’d never treat someone in this way x

[Lavenderrose]

I have been offered a counseling session which I will take but how else can I access more? I can’t even get on the freedom program as it’s no longer available locally for me.
I try and keep myself busy but I find my daughter being with him very hard. I miss her a lot. It’s not like I’m sat around pining for her as I’ve been busy but it’s the not knowing how she is. He deliberately denies me knowing what they’ve been up to. Causes me a lot of anguish x

[Lavenderrose]

Luckily in the grand scheme of things I was fortunate that I wasn’t with him the longest time but it was certainly enough.
I am mourning the relationship but most of all the hopes and dreams I had that are just gone. I just long to be loved x

[KIP.]

You can pay privately for counselling and check out local charities. Check out the Freedom Programme online. Your child loves you and you need to love you too. Be your own best friend x

[Lavenderrose]

Oh right I didn’t realise that some charities may help with counseling. I will look into it. I know what I am grieving isn’t the true relationship I just feel sad that I never had that and I guess miss the good times.
I feel like one minute I hate him and the next I miss him and love him. It’s so confusing!
Can anyone recommend any books ? I already have living with a dominator. X

[KIP.]

Healing from hidden abuse. By Shannon Thomas. It’s fab. One of the best books I’ve come across. Even if you just read the introduction x

[Lavenderrose]

Thank you @kip I will look up this 😊 x

[Whodat]

I was like this initially. Swinging between despising him to missing him dreadfully. O just kept repeating to myself you don’t love him it’s just the trauma bond making you think that. Also continually reminded myself he definitely doesn’t love me and likely never did. Harsh and heart breaking but somewhat effective. I think Christmas is a sentimental time of year as well. This will be the first festive period in many years where I’m not going to be in floods of tears and won’t be getting dumped. For whatever reason he was his worst at this time of year and I had started to dread it. I honestly thought I would never stop missing and loving him but its a loads of nonsense, what did I even love? When you fully look at the big picture the good times were few and far between and actually were not even that good, just good in comparison to the appalling verbal abuse, lies,gaslighting etc. You will get past this. I go between not caring and absolute rage that he got away with it but it beats the heartbreak and I know I’m nearly at the end of this process, no longer feel empty,even look forward to the future. He has taken enough from you don’t give him anything else, think about your future imaginary partner and what you actually want and will not accept

[fizzylem]

Mourning the hopes and dreams of how you hoped it would be is v much needed; but to redress the balance, after you have given this time to yourself; list the terrible things he did, thus he becomes unlovable, so you end feeling and knowing this was the absolute right decison for me. Otherwise you take these feelings into the next and whatever you are doing, can drift back inot feeling I miss him for days. You don’t miss the abuse do you LR, infact he’s not stopped has he, he’s caused too much pain and suffering to love and continues to do so.

I used to feel like you have described, havent done for a long time now, when I do think of him I usually feel nothing or disgust, even pity on the odd occassion – never love or longing now, think a big part of this for me though has been thinking about how he has hurt my child, this I can never forgive, whereas you seem to be of the mind he’s an attentive father hey, I do think that it’s simply not possible to be a good or an attentive father though when you abuse the mother, this may not be recognised in law, but it is in research and child development / psychology, when he’s kicking you he is also kicking your child, she needs her mum to be firing on all cylinders, be the best mum you can be for her and she needs you more than anyone in the world – when he’s trying to destroy you he is also destroying what is good in the world for his child and what she needs most – not helping her in the slightest here is he – worn out mum is never as good as a supported to be the best mum you can be mum is it. I find this aspect particularly hard to deal with, I’ve done ok yes, but imagine where she would be had I not had to deal with his BS, because I know if I could do the job well most of the time she would be flourishing x

[Lavenderrose]

Thank you both. You’re mean a lot and very much make sense to me.

@fizzylem when I say good father I’d say he’s attentive to her needs but it’s the bigger picture isn’t it?! As in knowing that it’s best for her to have me when she’s unwell etc but demanding it’s his time so he has to have her or dictating childcare knowing actually he’s not thinking of her best interests just constantly wants to have one up on me. It’s really horrible.

@whodat I have a list of incidents I can remember on my phone which isn’t all of it. I will read through them again and remind myself of how awful it was.
I do think this is part of my problem. I am definitely in a better place emotionally but when I stop and think about it all if really feels like I just imagined it or it wasn’t that bad and I’ve made such a fuss of it all.
It just doesn’t seem real? Like as in the time that passes did it even happen? So strange x

[Whodat]

You’re brain will try and play it down, self protection. Write all the incidents downs that you recall, I did it,18 pages front and back,then few months later a further 20 pages of stuff I had forgotten about. Totally get what you mean though,I need to get my family and friends to validate what I went through feom time to time because like you I think was I been dramatic, was it just normal fights,was it F. Ted Bundy was apparently a nice guy so there you go…. my dad was an absolute gent,my parents separated can’t recall one incident of him ever shouting at her,calling her names, disrespecting her etc, it’s not normal or ever ok. I remind myself often your dad wouldn’t allow this for you or your mum so don’t you be accepting it. Don’t feel bad about your feelings though, it’s normal because your a normal person who loved him in a normal way. He’s the w****o who can’t accept normal love or give it!!!these feelings will pass with time

[Lavenderrose]

Thank you everyone. I hate how this is all so consuming. None of my family or friends understand really. He’s cut me out now, doesn’t look at me or anything but yet finds a way to dictate and manipulate me into doing what he wants all the time. One written message sends me into a spin still. Anxiety comes back and I’m constantly playing it over in my mind.
When it comes to our child I have no idea what she’s doing when with him. He loves to keep it from me, she’s only little so it’s awful not knowing where she is or what she’s done.
Fed up of this pendulum swing in emotions! X

[Author]

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