Getting ready to end this relationship but I’m scared.

[Hippieflower22]

Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted as life as been crazy.
I wouldn’t say I’m in denial, I know I need to end this but I’m so scared.

I’ve been enduring emotional abuse, financial abuse, control, no physical abuse.
He’s just very controlling, to the point where I can’t even choose my own food, my family aren’t allowed over, he’s even said that women shouldn’t be working and I should be at home looking after the kids. I said what if I want to go back to study he said well I’m not looking after the kids. And that I’m what’s wrong with the world, wanting to go out and get a career. Women shouldn’t have a career when they have kids. He also said when it comes down to the big decisions his decision will be final no matter what I say. This is not right.
He won’t even let me out of the house with the kids by myself, when I question him he says (detail removed by moderator).

When I go anywhere even to the toilet he tells me to hurry up, everything I do I have to hurry up. Everywhere I go, even to the shop he’s ringing me.

So I’ve put in a referral to a local service near me, she’s referring me to get some legal advice, so I can get an injunction. And end this once and for all.
But I am so scared and anxious, I’m scared I’m going to lose my kids, he always says he’s going to take them. Or the social services will get involved. I keep feeling bad on him, like I’m lying and I should just say I want to end it. As recently I’ve told him I don’t want to be with him, he agrees and we’ve both even said we are not in love. But he just keeps coming back the next day and not speaking about anything if I mention anything he just ignores me, the silent treatment. Or just blames me as usual.

We are not even intimidate anymore, I would say it’s been over (detail removed by moderator), I don’t want to, I feel he’s always trying to get my pregnant, so I’m at home breastfeeding. He’s started saying let’s have another baby I keep saying no. I love my kids so much. But I’m happy with mine.

My head is all over the place, I know I need to get out of this relationship, and this is the only way now. But I’m just so scared.
Scared of having no one at all.

Is this normal? To feel bad, too feel guilty.

I look forward to hear from someone soon!

Sending strength 💕

[KIP.]

Yes it’s normal to feel this way. Abusers keep us in a fog of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. You’re right to be scared of such a controlling man. Make sure you’re keeping all the evidence you can. Keep a journal of his behaviour and threats and talk to your GP. Documenting his abuse will help you later.

[Bananaboat]

I can relate to so much of your post. The ‘hurry up’ thing, yep meaning constant anxiety. It’s normal to be scared/worried, the abuse has warped our view of the world but you are so brave for taking the steps you have, keep going!

[Cady York]

I can relate as well. When your brain is stressed out, it switches off the logic portion of the brain and focuses on the survival portion. It’s a form of PTSD. The hurry up thing is a way to keep you constantly stressed (and also confused). Keep going, you and your children deserve better.

[Wants To Help]

Hi hippieflower22,

I can totally relate to what you have written and understand why you feel like you do. It’s good that you are no longer in denial of what is going on in your relationship and that you are wanting to leave. You are reaching out for help and have plans. Once you have some legal advice that you are waiting for then hopefully this will help you to take the next step.

Your partner has made it quite clear to you that he does not respect your opinion or your decisions and that regardless of what you say or want he will have/make the final decision. When someone does this to us time and time again it slowly seeps in to us that although we do have opinions, hopes, dreams etc they are actually worthless and will never happen; we doubt our own thought process and it lowers our self esteem to the point that we start to think we don’t actually have anything valuable to offer. All of this control and criticism works so well at eroding our own confidence and self worth.

You have educated yourself about abuse. Education is about learning, and with learning comes mistakes, and although we are victims of abuse, we are still capable of making mistakes about ourselves in this process. I did too. And the common mistake you and I have made here is that we still believe we are dealing with someone who thinks like we do. We believe we are dealing with a partner as we would in a healthy relationship, even though we now know it’s an abusive one. You are feeling guilty about making plans behind his back and doing things without his knowledge and you feel that he really ought to know about what you are doing. Of course, in a healthy relationship, that’s what happens. Couples make decisions together and it’s rare that a big decision is made unilaterally. We empathise and put ourselves in their shoes and think how we would feel if they did something behind our backs that was so huge and we’d had no idea about it. This is part of the FOG.

Your thought process needs to change, and this is part of victim awareness. You need to start to separate from the guilt of what you are doing and instead, have a strategy. If you were to tell your partner of your plans he would laugh at you and sabotage them, possibly in a cruel and violent way. He is not going to let you leave him.

To use an analogy, when you are at war, you do not tell the enemy of your battle plans. Attacks to overpower the enemy are highly confidential so that they are taken by surprise. There is often fallout from this and people get hurt. So with our abusers, we are at war in some way, and when we do finally leave them there will be fallout. This can me emotional hurt on both sides, to receiving violence from them, rage, retaliation and revenge.

I made a huge mistake when leaving my abuser. I had a safe option to leave with his permission. Did I take it? Yes. Did I tell him I was taking it? Yes. Did I tell him my plans of when exactly I was going? Yes. Was I able to go through with it? No.

By telling him what I was doing because I thought it was the right, respectful, courteous thing to do, he delighted in scuppering my plans and instead, put me through hell instead. Looking back, his consent for me to leave was never real and just part of a sick game he was playing to momentarily bring me some relief before he made my life even worse than it already was. Did I learn from my mistake? Not straight away. Through the legal processes that followed, I still tried to be fair, tried to negotiate, but he wouldn’t – ever. I still tried to be ‘me’, but I had to learn that when it came to dealing with him I couldn’t be ‘me’. I had to be tough, ruthless, follow the protocol and not deviate from it. It is hard. When you are a person with morals and compassion it is hard to change who you are in order to deal with one person. Many years down the line post-separation I was never able to be ‘me’ when it came to dealing with him.

So my advice to you is ‘victim awareness’. Be aware now how your behaviour can make your own situation worse. You need to change the way you deal with this. You need to be secretive. You need to escape because you can’t leave.

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