Getting rid of those who take advantage

[Janedoeissad]

Since leaving my Ex, I decided to make sure I always treated myself as an equal to others. As I have a habit of putting myself after everyone else. I also accept a lot less then I deserve sometimes always using the phrase “well something is better than nothing”.

In doing this I have come to realise there were a couple of people taking advantage of me and they only contacted me or saw me when it suited them, when they needed something from me. I decided to remove these people from my life and I am doing so bit by bit.

However, I am missing some of these people. Its like going through the break up all over again. I feel doubt about if whether I tried enough or not, I miss them even though they use to infuriate me with their lack of regard towards me. Some of them were in my life for more than a decade though and until I started reflecting on what happened to me, it never even once occurred to me that these people were “abusing” me.

I am beginning to question why I keep letting these people into my life and not stopping contact when I can see I am being manipulated or used.

I would also like to say, during this process I have also come to realise that certain people I didn’t really notice are amazing friends. I love my new life without my Ex, deep down I know that getting rid of these people is the right thing to do, I need to be strong and only let decent people in my life but this is a hard and emotional process.

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to get things off my chest.

[Ayanna]

I got rid of most of my so called friends.
Most of them were parasites.
I also have huge issues with family members.
It is really important to put ourselves first and dump all those who try to take advantage and do not respect us as we deserve.
I have become very particular how I want to be treated.
You do the right thing.
In the longterm it will make you feel better about yourself.

[Copperflame]

I have been experiencing the same kind of thing. It’s a while now since I left my ex, but since then I’ve had issues with abusive friends and am currently exploring this in therapy. I realise now that my family was very dysfunctional, so there were issues there too. After I left my ex, I attended a DV support group for several months and have recently started going again because realising my friends were abusive is something I’m finding hard to deal with. These so-called friends took advantage of me in several ways, but it took a while for me to realise. One friend was not only abusive, but also an alcoholic and used to get into some terrible drunken states when her abuse would escalate. Another friend was perfectly capable but often presented herself as helpless to manipulate people into taking care of her – and I fell for it hook, line and sinker until I realised I was starting to feel frustrated with her. Yet another friend constantly asked me for favours and it took a long time for me to say ‘no’.

Right from when I was a small child my family called me selfish, and I continued to be called selfish in abusive relationships as an adult. Consequently I find it hard to put my needs first because I was conditioned from an early age to put others’ needs before mine. In particular I was an emotional caretaker for my mother. I have grown up to become a people pleaser, caretaker and fixer, but am getting better at asserting myself.

However, like you I am missing some of these people because we had some good times and some great laughs. Sometimes I’ve been tempted to contact them, but I don’t because I know they are not healthy. In therapy I’m starting to realise that deep down I feel unworthy, undeserving, bad and unlovable as a result of years of abuse. I’ve now started telling myself that I am worthy and I am lovable, and am hoping these affirmations will eventually sink in!

The other issue I have is I’m finding hard to trust anyone. I would like a healthy relationship but am afraid of being attracted to another abusive man.

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you both for your replies!

Oh my goodness Copperflame it was like you were talking about me. Certain family members are making me feel guilty about doing something for ME, and are trying to keep me being an care taker for someone in my family. Whenever I mention moving on without them, I get “but what about X?”. What about X? What do they have to do with my plans? I’ve come to realise I have been doing as you have, putting my needs last.

I am also going to counselling and this comes up often, I’ve lost count of them times my counsellor has to refocus my thinking to me. I too am coming to realise I do not see myself as worthy.

My trust in people has been smashed to pieces. I am terrified that I am going to settle, going to accept less because I feel less a lot of the time. Some days though, I am determined to succeed, determined this will not happen again and determined to be a victim but a survivor.

[puzzledatlife]

I have also had an abusive upbringing. Lots and lots of physical violence. But that was bad mainly because it obscured the psychological abuse. Was told i wasn’t wanted I was impossible o was unlovable, I was shut out of events and things, always removed. Ended up in relationship where I ended up doing the same, swinging between pleasing for fear of being left but testing and provoking over and over again so I would be left and back in the same corner with the only feelings I know about myself. I did have to put myself first because i was told i had to move out and work and be independent. Ended up moving country. I admire you for being able to remove people who you think take advantage and make you unhappy. I am still unable, if someone behaves badly towards me in my mind is because i am less and I will try harder to make sure they like me. So you are really doing great progress and you are inspirational for me x

[Janedoeissad]

Puzzledatlife, you are so far from less. Please remember that. You are worth people who treat you fairly.

It is the hardest thing, getting rid of those who do not serve you. I am desperate to get in touch with one person as I have spent years trying to get them to like me the way I would like them to but its never going to happen. I fight every day not to apologise for cutting them out of my life but it was the right thing to do. I was only engaged with when that person was bored.

I am coming to realise that the things which are good for you take the most effort.

[Shipoffools]

Hi Janedoeissad,

A couple of years after I ended my DV marriage, I ended my relationship with my mum (abusive childhood) and my friendship with my best friend of (Detail removed by Moderator)years (always wanted things her way) I felt I was finally taking charge of my own life at (Detail removed by Moderator)….it was the right thing for me to do…to take my own control back finally….

[Author]

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