Getting Scared

[AppleNinja]

Hello,

I haven’t been here for a while since I’ve had quite a roller coaster ride. For a few months things have been OK(ish). I guess my husband was supportive when my mum started deteriorating a (detail removed by Moderator) ago until she passed away. And I had a rough time at work and some health problems. So I’ve also become more assertive with him, and a few times I’ve given him piece of my mind regarding a few things.

But what I’ve notice is that he’s all niceness with me, he’s becoming rougher with our (detail removed by Moderator)year old daughter.

The other day she had had a little accident at school where she hadn’t quite made it to the toilet. I was at work as usual, so I didn’t witness anything but when I came home, I immediately knew something was up. She was upset, he looked guilty and frustrated.

When I was alone with her, she told me that daddy had called her some nasty names to do with stinky farm animals. I can well imagine how unpleasant he was because of this because I had seen him in this situation before. She told me she wasn’t allowed to cry when he was shouting at her (if she does he would threaten her, saying things like he would get even angrier if she carries on crying). Later on she told me he showered her and because she was still upset, he slapped her and she slipped and fell in the bath (I don’t know if she was sitting or standing or if she was indeed in the bath or on the bathroom floor, but that probably hardly matters).

I was insanely mad at him – I confronted him about the name calling before she told me about the slap in the shower. But I could see that this would only escalate into an argument and all I wanted is to not distress my girl any further.
I had been planning to leave for some time but felt like I needed a little more time to prepare. This incident only strengthened my resolve to leave him. So I phoned an DV agency I had been previously in contact with, I was really honest with them. The support worker on the phone said, she’s really concerned about my girl and has to refer my case to Social Care. I don’t want social care to be involved though because I want to leave him anyway, all I want is just a little support to help me follow through with my plan.

I feel quite rushed into action by this lady I spoke to. I wanted a few more weeks to sort some things and she’s like: you could even be gone in a couple of days.

I’m very confused. I know that to leave is the right thing to do, but at the same time, my daughter loves her dad and they do have nice time together most of the time. Am I being a coward? Am I just procrastinating? Should I be pushed to make a move before I’m ready if he’s not behaving like this every day but occasionally?

This is really distressing. Or is a positive development? I don’t know anything anymore.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

Thank you,
AppleNinja

[Lisa]

Hello AppleNinja,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it has helped you to post about what is happening and to put your thoughts down.

Well done for contacting the DV agency, it must have taken a lot of courage to make the phone call- it is a huge step forward. Your husband may not be abusive towards your daughter every day but even occasionally is abusive and is too much for you or your daughter to live with. You are protecting your daughter by making these steps towards leaving. Try to lean on the DV agency and social care for support to leave. You are most definitely not a coward, it is so difficult to leave but you are doing the right thing. Your husband is not going to change, and unfortunately abuse tends to escalate.

Remember the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is available if you would like to talk. The Helpline Workers can be a listening service as well as discuss your options.

Keep posting to us when you can, we are here to support you along the way.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

Posts