15th June 2016 at 4:32 pm #19197
I haven’t been on this forum for the last few weeks/months so hope you are all staying strong. The reason I haven’t been on is really because I feel embaressed – I have let my guard down and my ex is creeping in more and more – calling me regularly, dropping me texts, emails more and more regularly – my parents have noticed it, a couple of my friends have noticed it but I sometimes feel I don’t notice it until it is too late then I feel like I can’t stand up to him because I have effectively let him in by talking to him! Make me feel so stupid but, and this sounds crazy, I feel sorry for him sometimes and I also feel that if I keep him ‘close’ then I can monitor him more closely as he has our children half the time. How do I get stronger? Any advice appreciated. Would counselling help?
15th June 2016 at 8:26 pm #19215AyannaParticipant
Have you spoken to your local WA?
Yes, counseling would definitely help.
Did you do the Freedom Programme?
15th June 2016 at 8:50 pm #19219
I would do all of the reading that you can, to familiarize yourself about manipulation & the subtle tactics. These books are immediately available & free to read on Amazon, the Tudor ones gave me so much understanding of what I were dealing with, (my ex wasn’t violent physically but mentally and emotionally, he almost broke me, I’m an intelligent women.
30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships
All books by HG Tudor
You can buy these cheaply:
Why does he do that? (Lundy Bancroft)
Quotations by Hermann Hessee (Love Your Suffering) and M Scott Peck
Post traumatic growth
Vidoes on You Tube on Narcissism
Keep posting on here and pour your heart and thoughts out. X*X
15th June 2016 at 9:31 pm #19223Confused123Participant
Welcome back to us ,Firstly def start posting on here again and take the support of us ladies, dont feel embrassed that u started talking more to him, this is one of there tricks where they will slowly work on us, welldone for recognising the signs that he is pulling u back in, try and block him on your phone just to limit the contact and then u wont know if his calling u , i know it will be hard but will be best for u, secondly def get counselling to help u understand your feelings about what impact he has on you, have you done a freedom course , read up on abuse and build up on your support network team. For me personally it was counselling that made me understand i was in a very abusive realtionship , and i had to have it over two periods, intially when i left i found it after 5 months and did for 4 months as then funding ran out and then 14 months after when i relocated i did again for 8 months and this time i stopped as i felt stronger but i still have a strong network of support to help me deal with any issues. I too stupidly after been out (detail removed by Moderator) months am starting to talk to ex to let him know kids are ok, and to speed finanical proceedings, again i can see negative impact , he is slowly starting to get cross, i can hear it in his tone of voice even though he tries to remain calm, i am too getting strong to avoid contact with him, the ladies on here really were like my second arms, they gave me so much support in the first 15 months when i needed it most and still do whenever i post. Cant stress the importance of taking support of us ladies on this forum, we have all been through it and are at different stages, but i find advise helps me loads. Do not close up, let your friends and families know he is trying to pull u in again, they will make sure u dont go back
15th June 2016 at 9:46 pm #19225SerenityParticipant
If you really need to have contact because of the kids- and it’s not possible to have a third party- have some standardised replies that you repeat for each scenario. The scratched record technique.
Write down a list of boundaries that you refuse to let him break. Keep to it.
However, this doesn’t take care of the emotional pull by being in direct contact.
It’s good ( as the ladies have said) to read up on abuse tactics, complete a Freedom programme etc- to recognise his tactics and how to respond.
It helps me to think in terms of they try to manipulate us through three main methods:
Be alert to these three. That is to say, you aren’t responsible for his wellbeing- you are his ex, and any fear tactics red robe nipped in the bud.
I really feel for you in your situation. I can’t bear any contact with mine at all- he is too clever and manipulative, as well as cruel. My mum is formally the third party contact ( though he ignores this instruction really, and just arranges things with the kids- they are a bit older now).
15th June 2016 at 10:15 pm #19233betterdaysParticipant
Hi there the freedom programme saved me otherwise I’d still be with it. I’m just about to read covert emotional manipulation exposed. Living with the dominater book. But this forum has also give me massive strength. I’ve had blips too but just tried to keep building myself back up. I changed my number a week ago nearly were best thing ever x
15th June 2016 at 10:18 pm #19235
Better Days, thanks for the tip, i’ve just also brought Covert Emotional Maniplation Exposed, result!!! My joy of the day was discovering M-Scott Peck and his positive quotations, these are going to round off my recovery. XXXX
16th June 2016 at 5:15 pm #19311
Thank you all for all your support and advice xx
I have attended the Freedom Programme (about three months after I escaped) and I am reading one book or website after the other but I am still finding that I always still think the best of him when he is being Mr NiceGuy and I get drawn back in and then gradually his texts, emails, calls build up and before I know it he is back in my life! My family and my new partner are concerned but I often think he is ‘not that bad’ and think they are making a bit of a deal over nothing but I was with him for quite a long time so I think I am used to some of his general behaviour that I actually think that is good for him! I might see if I cant arrange some counselling and learn to set some more healthy boundaries that I can stick to!
16th June 2016 at 9:31 pm #19328
Dear Newlife, Escaped Not Free has just post something very similar, it might help you to read it. X*X
17th June 2016 at 10:21 am #19365
Thank you Healthyarchive – I will have a look now – thank you x
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