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Dear fellow women on here,
Today I had a lightbulb moment so thought I would share it with you.
I realize that when I was in my relationship I was bad tempered, quiet, miserable, unattractive, cold, and uncommunicative, I rarely felt happy or was fun. I realize now two months with no contact that I behaved in those ways due to the relationship and what I was dealing with. I was reacting. I were not in a position to talk about problems as he didn’t talk. I would have felt happier had we done that. He disappeared and gave me the silent treatment all of the time which made me feel unhappy and anxious. We could not work things out, problems, as he blamed for everything and never admitted anything or apologized. I tried to work things out.
Two months on, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. My hair is shiny and my skin is clear, someone said to me that I look happy. I realize that those negative feelings that I had and how I presented to him was due to the horrible things going on. My base personality is not cold, miserable and bad tempered. At the time I did know that I were reacting to what was going on, I just thought I was bad tempered and not good at relationships. He never saw the real me as he was not able to function normally and deal with problems in a respectful win win situation. I hope this helps you see that these feelings we have are a result of the dysfunctional relationships and not because you a miserable, cold person etc.
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I so agree Healthyarchive. I was also all those things (and he called me those things) and I began to believe that I was the problem but of course once you are out your real personality begins to come back. I remember once sitting in the car waiting for him to talk to a friend. When he came back to the car he said that his friend commented on what a miserable cow I was/looked. I felt guilty and tried to ‘soften’ myself up….of course forgetting the verbal abuse he had subjected me to on the journey over there!
So glad you are finding yourself again and so much so that others are noticing! Onwards and upwards xx -
Hi healthy archive 100 percent agree I found myself even been bitter snapping at the kids slightly agressive too I also knew it were him and his abusive behaviour rubbing of on me iys amazing once we’re out and head space and distance ourselves that we slowly start to return to who we were. He always drummed it into me i werr a miserable b..t**d and a n*****e. Funny because I wernt any of those things before. I used to really have quite bad fears too now there lessening with time x
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I don’t think its possible not to feel angry, bitter, tearful, depressed when you are dealing with somebody who is abusive, it is natural to react in those ways. I remember a few times I would try to stuff my feelings down, look on the bright side, give him the benefit of the doubt etc, but if someone continually treats you badly you can’t overlook it and be happy, sexy & fun, it just doesn’t work.
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I found I tend to just shut everyone out, I didn’t like questions even if they weren’t about him. I lost contact with everyone. My relationship with my own mother became cold and distant.
I’m now (detail removed by moderator) years on, and my mothers one of my closest friends. But he has come back into my life recently and the first thing I found myself doing was shutting my mum out and lying to her.
That type of relationship consumes you. I wasn’t me anymore.
I just hope I’m strong enough to stop it from happening again and block his contact. -
Yes Rebuilding it does consume you. I so much wanted my relationship to work and tried lots of healthy behaviors i.e each having our own space and freedom, no jealousy and being honest. Sadly if you haven’t got the underlying basics in place. ie. trust, honesty and openness on both sides, with all of the will in world it won’t work. My relationship was claustrophobic as he was possessive so it wasn’t healthy. Do you think that you can set some healthy boundaries with him, will they work?
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I also agree, the whole negativity of the abusive relationship can make you physically ill as well as unhappy. Whilst I was with him I looked dreadful, my skin was dull and my face blotchy, I had constant headaches and I just wanted to sleep all the time. He would comment on how I looked which just gave him another reason to call me names. After going no contact I slowly started to change and my skin and health started to get better. A lot of people commented on how I looked different.
However stupid me I started having contact with him again after he was released from prison. He played the pity card and I fell for it. But the same old problems arose again and I told him to leave me alone. So now I’m having the same struggles again, but I’ve noticed a change in myself. My face looks terrible, my skin and I’ve noticed more wrinkles. All the stress is playing a toll. Why did I go back to him when I knew he wouldn’t change.
Sometimes I wonder if I even like myself. -
Dear DBEyes, thank you for your response. Try not to worry too much about going back to him at the moment, these men are d**n clever with their manipulation and control & know every trick in the book to get you. The good thing is now you have had a glimpse of how it can be, your clear skin and improved health and happiness in your time away. I dont think that we are ugly, miserable, angry and bitter, we are like that because these abusers are playing with our minds and wellbeing and then denying they are doing it making us feel confused, angry and stressed. I dont know if you have read any of these books but they really did help me, they are all free to read and immediately available on Amazon: 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics & all books by H G Tudor. You will get back to you in time. I’m now approaching project revenge……….. he will regret his actions with me. XXXXXX
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