Getting worse 😪

[Getmylifeback]

I am really struggling to escape his clutches despite living in my own house. I’m so cross with myself but I just don’t know what to do to overcome it.

I’ve told him an approx amount which I’m looking at for settlement and he’s said no chance, I haven’t contributed to his house (we’ve been together over (detail removed by moderator) years, most of that married) , he had the house before we got together but I earn a good salary and every penny of my money has gone on our family.

He told me it it ends up with solicitors that he’ll finish me and he’ll get the money back from me somehow and I’m just a thieving s***k!!

I know he’s using bully tactics as usual as he wants me to be too scared. It’s working to a certain extent as I’m a bl00dy nervous wreck tonight. I thought I’d be brave and turn my phone off as the last couple of nights I’ve had hour long conversations, well grillings would be a more apt name, but j ended up turning my phone off and was shaking with fear waiting to see the missed call messages or texts asking why my phone was off. But there was nothing, which makes me feel even angrier that I’ve allowed him to still ruin my evening.

I just don’t know how to move forward, I still have such a fear of him in some ways.

[Getmylifeback]

Constantly asking if I’m with someone else, says rumour around his friends is I left him whilst he was in rehab as j had an affair. Even asked me if I was back on the pill.

He’s so up and down, amicable and calm one minute then completely irrational and threatening the next.

[maddog]

Please report what is happening and make contact with Women’s Aid. Abusers don’t stop and will use anything. The police advised my ex to leave the family home. He is no longer allowed in the house and is no longer allowed verbal contact. It is truly horrible.

[Getmylifeback]

Woken up at (detail removed by moderator) by phone ringing and it was him. Absolute gob full of abuse that I have HIS kids and WILL be connectable at all times. I said my phone had died and I put it on charge when I went to bed.

Said if it happened again he’d be driving straight round here as HE NEEDED to speak to me as he couldn’t find (detail removed by moderator)

I told him I’m not having it but he just fires off again saying I need to be connectable at all times in case he nerds to stalk to me.

I knew it’s wind him up but Christ…. 😪

[KIP.]

Yes it’s getting worse. This is what happens and it will get very much worse. You need to involve the police. I know it sounds extreme but it’s not. If you don’t take control now, it’s just going to get worse. Much worse. Get help from women’s aid. Ring the police if he turns up. Tell him he’s not allowed near your home under any circumstances. Be prepared to back it up with a call to the police. My ex said all the same things about divorce. Don’t engage with him. Get a solicitor and tell him only to contact you via the solicitor. Get the solicitor to tell you what you’re entitled to in law, meaning if he drags it out you can seek the cost of your solicitor when it goes to court. Change your number and tell him to use a third party for contact with the children. He has no right to be in your life. You’re in charge and any contact is toxic for you. Zero contact is difficult and I know you’re scared.
He’s a bully and bullies don’t stop until you stand up to them x

[KIP.]

Don’t answer the phone to him and keep all the text and voice messages he leaves for evidence. It’s threatening behaviour and it’s illegal x

[Getmylifeback]

I just can’t see how I could facilitate no contact 😟 I doubt have a 3rd party I could actively rely on for handover. I have to drop off or have him drop off.

Had another gob full (detail removed by moderator) and I lost it with him, was screaming down the phone and told him if it carries on I’ll be getting advice from the police. E took this as a threat.

He says as I left whilst he was in rehab that I’m a coward and I’ll get what a coming to me one day.

[KIP.]

How about using email only for contact. That way you have a written record of his threats. Then drop off/pick up somewhere public. Like the local police station. I know my local primary school is used as a drop of and pick up for parents who don’t have contact. Your local women’s aid should have more info. His threatening behaviour will get worse as he is more interested in abusing you that facilitating meaningful contact with his children. It might be that eventually you have to stop him seeing the children unsupervised. Get some free legal advice from Rights of Women or most family solicitors offer free legal advice. His sole purpose is to make your life miserable. That’s what direct access to you will bring. Change your phone number. Create a new email address solely for his contact x he has no right to be in your life. He gets a thrill from frightening you and distressing you. You simply don’t have to put up with this behaviour x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Sweety he is harassing you.
You don’t have to deal with this abusive behaviour yourself.
Contact Women’s Aid for advice and also please re read above advices.
Take in a deep few breaths and recenter honey. And ask for friends and family for support too.
Then contact the police as well and report him for harassment. You’ll have to tell him in a clear short message to stop contacting you just for the record. Then block him everywhere. Document dates and frequency of his harassment. If he comes around your house you don’t ‘threaten’ to call the police. You CALL the police.
Access can go through NACCC, first contact Women’s Aid for support to get eventually referred to them.
Sending you strength and keep posting

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate the time you’ve taken replying.

I have decided to give it 2 weeks before taking any legal action. I will continue to record all l phone calls and will start logging a diary too nd back date it to include some of the recent stuff (my voice recordings give me dates and content.

If it escalates in the meantime or doesn’t improve in that time j will have to speak to the police. I’m just petrified it will make things worse especially if they decided my evidence wasn’t enough and didn’t take it any further as he would then be on a complete war path to destroy me 😪

[KIP.]

Their threats are how they control us. You can ring 101 anytime and speak to a domestic abuse officer in confidence for advice. Keep all his texts and emails etc. Keep a detailed journal and any witnesses details. If you advise him not to contact you by text or come to your home, and he continues to do so, that’s harassment. That’s illegal. But you cannot get into an argument back and forth with him or the police will just see this as an argument between two people. I also thought the police involvement would make things worse but these men are cowards. They bully and torment women and children but the police and courts can’t be bullied. The police can put a marker on your home so if he turns up they will come quickly. Until you take control, frightening as that is. He will continue his abuse. You have a right to decide who you allow in your life. If you have an arrangement order from the courts, he can’t abuse it. If there’s nothing legal he will just keep escalating things and your children don’t need to be used in his war against you. Are you in touch with women’s aid? Get support there to. Make it absolutely clear to him that you will involve the police if he turns up at your home. This is an extremely dangerous time. Don’t ever underestimate him. Did you tell him where you live? Don’t tell him anything at all. Just dates if he wants to see the kids somewhere away from your home.

[Getmylifeback]

Yes he knows where I live as he picks up and drops off kids from me.

I completely lost my s**t with him yesterday which is about the 3rd time ever so whether that would be seen as an argument I don’t know but it just drove me to meltdown.

I have many recordings how he’ll make sure get my karma and that he will never let it go, will never let another man in his kids lives.

I have just spent the last half hour watching my daughter’s hobby feeling so alone a d like the world is falling around me. Had to make several deep breaths to stop myself breaking down.

[Getmylifeback]

I already have a red flag on my and my parents address from when he was in rehab and I told him I’d left and he was threatening me. I had a police interview then with a DA officer. I told him about his threats etc. He didn’t tell me the result of the risk assessment and said a log of his threats were ‘boyish which to me means he didn’t take them seriously.

I’ve just dropped kids off for the day and picking up at teatime. Got silent treatment this morning which is fine by me and my friend will be with me later when I collect.

[Getmylifeback]

Just to say he doesn’t text or email it’s all over the phone as he thinks he’s too clever and fortunately doesn’t think I’m clever enough to record voice calls!

[Author]

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