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(detail removed by moderator)It is not going so well. He is showering me with gifts and telling me he cant carry on with me being cold towards him. I have just binned the last flowers he bought me so its only a few weeks since he was last sorry.
I said what do you want to do about it? Hoping he would say he will move out but no.
I am sleeping away from him different rooms and this is not what he wants. He is not eating and saying its not good us arguing and trying to make me feel bad and feel sorry for him.
He insists its just a bad patch. I said its not he dont like my answers usually i just agree kiss and make up. -
Hi Stay or leave,
I am sorry to read about your situation. It is very stressful and unsettling having to still be in a house with someone when you aren’t sure what you want. To me it is quite significant that you want him to move out and if you have asked him for some space and he still isn’t respectful of your wishes and rather than giving you space he is buying you gifts that is disappointing and shows you the lack of commitment to wanting to change and make things better. Is there anywhere you could go to get some space or perhaps you could think about going to a refuge? I would suggest that when you can you phone the helpline for some advice and support. They will not tell you what to do but they can help you think about what you would like your next steps to be. Please find a safe time to give them a ring. If they are busy leave a message.
Please let us know how you get on, we are all here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Hi Lisa,
I rang the helpline they advised me to get legal advice.
I did and they said I should get an occupation order. The way to get this I need legal aid and im not eligible for that because Im not on any benefits. I have asked him to move out and he said he needs to save up to do this. His drug addiction stops him saving anything he can not save. I am sleeping in another room. Not speaking to him only replying to his questions when he discusses the children. It is really awkward. I need my space but I own the house its in my name. If I was in rented I would be gone by now. My problem is I have left numerous times before and it unsettles the children and I end up going back. I just know it is over this time I feel like I have woke up and deserve a better life. I am so close to just putting the house up for sale and starting again. I sit thinking about moving town away. -
Oh you really have woken up, and I’m sorry you feel so down about this, as you have made such a huge step forward psychologically.
It’s so important to do this safely. The Ncdv can do non-mol in 24hrs for free, its worth asking about occupation orders, a case worker there can also put you in touch with a Mackenzie friend who is trained to help you make an application and court if necessary for free.
Also rights of women are solicitors giving free legal advice on the phone.
They will know how to help.
So glad you feel ready to do this. Your talk with the helpline should help with makinbaure you are safe whilst this happens.
I know that ncdv will only give emergency order if violence in last 10 days, but doesn’t have to be emergency. Pretty much every one is entitled to legal aid on the basis that contributions and top-ups are required to supplement it, so not free legal aid.
It’s shocking that it recently cost a woman £60k to get a divorce?!!!
Do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on
Warmest wishes ts
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Hi Stayorleave,
Here are some links to other agencies that might be able to help you-
http://www.ncdv.org.uk (For advice on injunctions)
http://www.shelter.org.uk (Perhaps they can give you advice on evicting him and the right procedure)
http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk (For free legal advice)
http://www.duncanlewis.co.uk (they can talk to you about legal aid and give you a second opinion)Please also get some ongoing support from your local Women’s Aid group. We are all here for you. They can also advice you of other solicitors in the area who have experience of domestic abuse. I am thinking that it might be that you could think of how to evict him safely from the property if you are not married and the property is in your name. Could you stay with family or friends while this happened? Please try not to let him know that you are making plans. I know that it can be tricky to think of the best and safest way to untangle yourself from him but please reach out to these organisations and know that we are all here for you.
You are doing great. This is hopefully the start of your life free from abuse.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Hi Lisa and Ts
Thanks for your replies. Yes we are married but I bought the house prior to marriage to him. The past is complicated we had a number of children together separated (due to his drug addiction) I bought the house then we got back together and had more children then got married.
I have had a difficult day today. Family and friends have noticed that im “being cold” with him as they describe it.
I am certain I do not want this life. Other people are feeling sorry for him and saying he looks ill and if he gives up the drugs I should give him another chance.
Im giving no more chances I really can not take any more emotional abuse. He has not been physically violent for over a year its all threats. Sometimes I think I wish he would hit me and it would be over. Once he tried to drive us both into a tree because I had not made him a sandwich and I needed to get one of the children to hospital who turned out to be seriously ill at the time.
Thinking back it was because I did not obey him and his demands his needs always need to come first.
He has anger issues and zero patience. He is really difficult to live with.
I really hope me not giving him no attention or time will make him want to move out? -
Hi Lisa and Ts
Thanks for your replies. Yes we are married but I bought the house prior to marriage to him. The past is complicated we had a number of children together separated (due to his drug addiction) I bought the house then we got back together and had more children then got married.
I have had a difficult day today. Family and friends have noticed that im “being cold” with him as they describe it.
I am certain I do not want this life. Other people are feeling sorry for him and saying he looks ill and if he gives up the drugs I should give him another chance.
Im giving no more chances I really can not take any more emotional abuse. He has not been physically violent for over a year its all threats. Sometimes I think I wish he would hit me and it would be over. Once he tried to drive us both into a tree because I had not made him a sandwich and I needed to get one of the children to hospital who turned out to be seriously ill at the time.
Thinking back it was because I did not obey him and his demands his needs always need to come first.
He has anger issues and zero patience. He is really difficult to live with.
I really hope me not giving him no attention or time will make him want to move out? -
I have been looking into selling up and moving but if I sold up yes I would have a deposit for a new house but no income at present to get another mortgage. Then I looked at renting and being on benefits as a single person and due to benefit cap I would be only entitled to a really low amount and can not see this being enough to survive. I just do not know what to do for the best. Making all these decisions when im not in a good frame of mind.
The solicitor I spoke to for free advice said do not move out of the house and leave him in it because it is not in my best financial intrests and I am liable for the mortgage and new rent wherever I move to.
I never thought it would ever come to this I used to be happy Im struggling to crack a smile these days. -
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He’s going nowhere. He has everything he needs where he is. The abuse over the sandwich was never about the sandwich. It was just an excuse to abuse you, frighten you, destroy your mental health. That’s what abuser enjoy. I once got half hour terrifying verbal offensive because I ‘bought the wrong milk’. It’s nonsense. My ex used to terrify me by driving fast with or without our child in the car. They all use the same appalling tactics and you do not have to put up with him. He is not your responsibility and I wouldn’t want a drug user around my children. Time to take your gloves off. Ignore what your friends say. They don’t have to live with him. His anger management is around you with no witnesses. That’s controlled behaviour. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
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Feel really deflated today. I have no energy left. He speaks to me one minute ignores me the next. The atmosphere in the house is bad. One of the children is really playing up and I have not slept in my bed for a month.
I just found out today that whilst i was crying at my wits end with worry about buying the childrens school uniform (detail removed by moderator) he got a big bonus from work and kept it quiet.
His behaviour is jekhl and hyde at the moment I do not know where I stand.
I want him out of my house but he keeps saying he has nowhere to go and needs time to save. -
I feel like packing his clothes and taking them to his friends. Then I change my mind because
1. Im scared of what he will do. He is very intelligent and can break into a property easily
2. His friend is violently abusive towards his partner and it will make things worse for her (he shows off in front of him)
3. Legally he has a right to live here
4. He has a key so seems pointless
5. He will use the children as an excuse not to fuss in front of them yet its fine when he does -
I think, like many of us, your sympathies for this ‘poor man’s plight’ is freezing you from acting.
Everything you say tells me you desperately need this to stop and not have him around any more, and that if you could do that easily, like someone just tel him where to go and off he toddles, you’d do it in a flash!
You staying in your own house makes sense you have children who belong in this home, his rehomig himself is his responsibility, even if he is trying to make it yours.
I don’t think my ex ever took me seriously, I don’t think any of them do. They think hey have you hook line and sinker, over a barrell, at their beck and call and you will never want the to leave or be able to make them go, until one day they find out its not true!
I think you might phone your local court, ask them about an occupancy order, alongside calling the ncdv to find a Mackenzie friend who knows the process and will help for free. With support you could get him out, but best to let the police know in advance and ask them to be present when its issued to him.
This frozen state won’t last forever, everything changes and the more support and advice you access to think his through the clearer it will become as to how you will do it. If you want it enough it will happen. I really hope you get this and you and your children have some peace and fun in your own home.
He needs reporting using drugs around them, and you don’t have to put up with it either!
It’s exhausting not having a proper bed to sleep in, even when not wth an abuser. You will all benefit so much.
Keep posting and we’ll do all we can to help.
Warmest wishes ts
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Hi Stay or Leave
You could tell your local council that you are experiencing DV and ask if you would be able to access housing benefit to be able to go into a refuge with your children then sell the house to be free of him. To access refuge accomodation you either need housing benefit or you can self fund if you are unable to access housing benefit. It is another option.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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have been upset. He is saying he is going to go once he got enough money together. Making it clear he wont be coming back if i let him go. Then on top of that one of the children and a close family member of mine is making me feel bad saying he has got no one but me. What will happen to him if I let him go. Like im his carer!!
At this point Im concerned for myself. They are making me doubt myself at times. Am I being selfish. Yes im splitting the family up but for good reason. To protect myself and the children from all his wrong doing. His drug habit is spiralling out of control. Im not his keeper.
I need to be strong. I considered the refuge option but im not entitled to housing benefit. Why should I leave my home I have dragged myself out of bed in all weathers for years to work for it. Im not letting him take it from me. I was once homeless in a refuge before and emotionally I am not prepared to do it again. I felt lonely and isolated a relative helped me through that bad time. I no longer have that support.
I feel anger today that he has no time for me or the children. He acting like he dont want to be here. Im getting on off silent treatment. Expecting me to do his washing etc. He only cares about himself and his drugs. I do not know how he sleeps knowing he wud rather buy drugs than essentials for his children it angers me so much. This is not the person I fell in love with. We shared the same intrests. As far as im concerned he is long gone.
Thanks for your support.
Im taking 1 day at a time. Living conditions not good but hopefully will improve.
Thanks
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It has been emotional rollercoaster today. I have been sleeping in a different room to him whilst under the same roof.
He woke me up and asked for sex I said no I dont want to give him false hope and dont want to get back together. He insisted saying we dont have to be together and we all have have sexual needs.
I just felt obliged to do it and there was zero intimacy. He left we did not speak a word.
I feel like this has put us back to square 1
I feel deflated and used. I do not know which way to turn.
He insists he is still in the process of saving for a deposit to move out.
I dont feel like he will move.
Have I lost control again?? -
That’s shocking. You have the right to say no. My ex was exactly the same and I can tell you he is going nowhere. It’s dangerous for you. I said no and my ex raped me. They are entitled abusive people. He knew you didn’t want sex and yet he carried on. That made me feel like nothing. Used and depressed while he skipped about like he won the lottery. You do not have se. Because of an obligation. Fear Obligation and Guilt. The FOG of abuse. I eventually put a lock on my bedroom door. That’s no way to live. If he won’t go then perhaps you need to get out meantime. He may leave of his own accord if he knows you’re not going to be there to abuse?
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I am fed up. I am getting no financial support at all from him. I have little food to feed my children and no bills are getting paid.
He is still sleeping in my house and I have given him a period of notice. During this time he is apparently saving his money to get his own property he is enjoying himself and going out etc with friends..also feeding his drug addiction.
I do not know what to do? By the end of the week Im going to have to either borrow money off family or visit a food bank…last resort.
It hurts me to think this man is neglecting his children to try get to me. In the same time i feel guilty and blame myself for splitting my family up and asking him to leave.
I have no tears left and putting on a brave face for the children. -
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I feel stuck. I have arranged to go stay with family for a few days and im taking the children with me. The child with mental health issues is taking it badly asking me why he has withdrawn their financial support and does he expect them to walk to school thats miles away.
I feel like replying….he does not care.
He really does not and I have set a date he must leave by. The day after I return from staying with family. I know its unlikely in my mind im just hoping.
I will pack his belongings myself if he does not.
I know he will get upset by this but I will call the police if he gets violent. -
Do not defend your abuser to your children. Be honest. Believe me your abuser will be filling their head with lies. Be honest and consistent and reassuring that you will always be there. Even if your abuse moves out which I strongly doubt, you need something in place to prevent him returning. An occupation order unless the home is in your name? As soon as you’re a single parent get straight onto benefits office.
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He has said very few words to them over a period of time. He most likely will behind my back. I pthink about informing his relative but not sure. The relative has financial support for him.
The house is mine and once hes gone Im changing the locks.
Im thinking of next steps. Im going to change my phone number. But how will we arrange contact between him and the children. -
Hi Stay or leave,
If it’s your house, would it not be possible to call the police and have them throw him out? Like immediately! Like KIP said, he is not going anywhere! He’ll never leave the house. Kick. him. out. Now.
Where he goes is not your concern.
Not only is he an abuser but also a drug addict. And a rapist. Very dangerous. All very shocking!
The house is yours, on your name is it not?
Call the police, have him kicked out, tell the police to ask his key back, have the locks changed immediately. Ask the police what else you need to do in order to prevent him coming back.
Pls re read Lisa’ advice, she has send you lots of links with supporting agencies. Call them all.
Please focus on being safe.
Child contact should not be on you priority list right now. Anyway you won’t want him to poison your kids against you which he will do. If he wants contact he will need to fight for it. Do not make a single step towards co-parenting.Keep strong, you’ll get through this. Keep posting.
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if it’s your house then change the locks and get his relative to pick up his belongings. Speak to the domestic abuse police on 101 and tell them he won’t leave and you are scared of him x they may be able to stay with you while the locks are changed. He is going nowhere unless he is made to. Why should he leave when he can leech of you for his own needs x
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Will the police help me though? We are married.
Even though the house is in my name.
He never wanted to join on with me said he didnt want the debt of a mortgage.
I feel bad inside and keep crying to my family and friends.
I have no energy to do anything.
One day at a time.
The relative of his is not very helpful but might just might talk sense into him and help him financially. -
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I am counting down the time until I leave and go to stay at families houses. I am too scared to call the police and have him thrown out.
I do not want to upset the children in the process.
I am still under the same roof.
He is acting strange being really selfish. I do not feel free to move about my home.
He has not paid a single penny yet still putting his clothes in the washing basket….making drinks getting washed etc. I know I told him I wanted no financial assistance and for him to just leave but did not expect him to be feeding himself in restaurants and seeing the cupboards empty for his children.
Hopefully on my return he will be gone. -
You can have him removed while the children are not there. You need to prepare yourself for confrontation. He’s acting like he’s going nowhere because he’s going nowhere. He has bullied and controlled you for years and in his mind he can still do that. He still thinks when push comes to shove he will be able to manipulate you again. He’s having a great time. Mine did the same. Even taking a woman to Paris with our money. Nice restaurants etc. He had abused me so badly and I had put up with so much he simply believed that he could abuse me in any way he liked and I would just continue to put up with him. It took police and courts to remove him. He would have made our son and I homeless. Cancelled all direct debits, emptied the joint bank account and tried to force us from our home. Despicable men. You need to fight for you and your children and involving the police was the best thing I ever did x
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I feel really nervous about getting police involved. He has previous convictions and it would be no loss to him getting more. Me however due to the nature of my future career can not afford any. I am really scared an nervous around police. My anxiety levels hit sky high to the point Im shaking and stuttering.
I keep telling myself I need a few days away. I know nothing will be fixed on return.
I confided in one of his relatives (male) the situation who said there is 2 sides to every story.
Also tried to say (his opinion) its over because I have turned him to drugs having children and putting financial pressure on him. He has to work so hard.
I did not lower myself to argue.
I have no fight in me.
I need him out. -
Kip its terrible what you have been through. You must be so strong. I can not believe they can turn their back on their own children!! It upsets me. Hear about it all the time.
Never expect it to happen to you!!
I think It would finish me if he started to look after someone elses children. I could not deal with that. I heard men do this to get at their ex. -
I just can not do this. I keep asking same questions in my head. I do not want him. Do I want anyone else to have him? I dont want him and not bothered if he gets his next victim. This is last chance to rekindle. This is last chance to finally get rid. My head is such a mess. His treatment towards me is terrible. A family member of his got me angry and upset saying two sides to every story. I feel terrible but do not deserve this life.
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Other people don’t really understand. His family/ friends will take his side. At the end of the day they’re views are born out of ignorance. Don’t worry about what other people think, think of yourself and your kids. Your have rights, it is your right to be treated well and to have a good life. Even more importantly is finding a safe way of living. Your are more than entitled to that and worthy of that too xx take care
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Sending you hugs and strength love.
He is showing you how very well he will manage! It’s you thats not managing, because of him. He will be fine, he is doing everything he can to make sure you and his children are not fine. He is punishing you all.
He really does not believe you can live without him, and I’ve heard that before! You might believe that you cannot live without him, but you can. You have the support of your family behind you also.
He is highly toxic to you all. With him gone you can access further help. Depending on when you bought your house there is funding from certain sources to help you.
Reach out to everyone you possibly can and find out your options, keep posting, we’re all here to help however we can.
Warmest wishes ts
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It took me a long time to build that strength but to be honest survival instinct kicked in. It got to the stage where I realised it was me and our child or him. After that there was no going back. I know how you feel but ask yourself if you really want someone who can treat you so badly. Who cares so little for you and your children. I know I don’t. I’m so glad he cheated on me now as it was the push I needed to get rid of him. I’d already told him I didn’t love him anymore. That’s when the gates of hell opened. Run, Run fast with your children and never look back.
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Its not an easy mind set to put yourself in. When you look at his mind set I see these men as cowards. Like spoiled men who never grew up. They have no sense of responsibility or respect for not just you but anyone. Not really. So why should you afford him any sympathy? He will not think twice in stepping all over you. The only way (and I know that two wrongs do not make a right) is to be brutal have no remorse. In my experience that’s all they understand and they’re not long in backing down once they’re confronted with exposure of their antics/tactics. I see my ex a bit like an ant he’s nothing. Sorry for the angry words maybe that’s the stage i’m at. Obviously stay safe always, go to the police get yourself and your wee one out of there xx
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Thank you for your support. It has gone a stage further now he is keeping all his money to save for a place to live. In the meantime he can see we are still surviving and getting on with life without his money. He asked me for sex again I refused and he did not like it. It made him angry shouting at me saying I do things wrong. Twisting things. I just told him to go away and he did eventually leave me in peace. Now he is trying to use the children. He has not taken them out anywhere often at all. All of a sudden he wants them to go places with him? I got worried and anxious at one point thinking what if he dont come back. It scared me. On another note. I am clear in my mind I do not want him. He is no good for me and my family support my decision confirming their dislike for his behaviour towards me.
Financially things are not good but I am surviving and I have been for more advice and once hes gone I will get some financial support. -
Another day and he is trying to sway me into letting him stay. He is offering me the money he has saved for his deposit to move in return for letting him stay. I would rather suffer financially for longer than go back on my word. He needs to go! I am fed up and deflated. Its over. He needs to accept it. How he can just not care about the childrens needs disgusts me more and more and makes me hate him. He has leached off me for so long and now that im not able to support him no more he has shown his true colours. What parent lets there child walk to school and starve rather than pay for their dinner money and bus fare. He is only interested in himself. I am disgusted with myself for being treated like rubbish for so long
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Sounds like your in fight mode. The old bribery trick and the I’m desperate card. You sound really strong 🙂 Keep saying no don’t be swayed into negotiating as it just prolongs the hurt and pain all round. It took me many years to realise it is basically all about them at the end of the day. I eventually got to a point where I completely shut down from him. I didn’t rise to any accusations or threats or poor me’s. It is a pretense and we will never understand the actions of these men, so why even try? The kids and you come first, its just a case of prioritising. A real man/ father supports his children emotionally and financially. M,y own dad did and I am so thankful for that. Any way I think you are amazing!, strong lady 🙂 xx
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Feel really sad today. I think he might have met someone else already. I have no proof but its an option. He still has not moved out using the house like a hotel coming and going as he pleases. I got angry and pleaded with him to leave and not come back. He replied with …im going dont worry I want to get away from you.
Part of me started to question my downfalls and the strong part of me made me realise he has a drug problem and I dont want him. He is a bad influence and bad role model to my kids. I felt a bit depressed and struggled to get out of bed. I did though Im not letting him have such a negative impact on me so it affects my children. He has no interest in them what so ever. It saddens me he is no longer the man I knew who lived for his children and was proud of them. I asked his family member to help him get out and the family member said to throw him out and change the locks his behaviour is not acceptable.
Im deflated and feel terrible with tears in my eyes. -
How could ever have known what he was capable of, its a shocking revelation to us t realise that behind all the poor me’s and i love you’s is this monster with such evil intent.
Although now I know it exists so much around us, I can never forget it!
Try to arrange a date for his move out, and that police will be present if there are any issues with him not going. You do need to be so careful though as he is volatile, and capable of more than you dare to think.
Set a date and even ask the relative to be there t help with moving out? That he has to go, as he’s clearly not taking you seriously, anbyour fear about him not having any money seems to be a lie as he’s offered that to you know to keep you sweet so he can stay, but…he’s not going anywhere clearly unless you make it happen.
It’s so exhausting, but once this is done you wll probably drop from exhaustion once the Adrenaline drops. Be prepared to take things slowly…very slowly for a while after taking on board the peaceful atmosphere and the fun you can have being free of him, use this to inspire you towards the final push!
Warmest wishes ts
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Hey. Trust your gut. My ex had someone lined up very quickly. He was actually seeing her while still with me. Most abusers do. They can’t survive on their own. He even tried to rub my nose in it trying to make me jealous. This will probably be his next step. Get him out before he hurts you more. Read Living with the Dominator. Triangulation with another woman is very popular among abusers. It often works, not in my case. By then I was too determined to get rid of him. He still wouldn’t go even after changing his status to in a relationship with this other woman! They have zero moral compass x
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I feel it would kill me inside if he moved on so quickly. He is acting suspiciously but im not sure if hes doing it for my benefit or for real. I need to read living with the abuser. I can imagine it will be a story about the nightmare i am living. I feel detached from him each day and so hurt by his actions towards me and our children. He lets my child with mental health issues act vulnerable instead of being supportive and protective. Im left to deal with all the issues he no longer cares at all about this child. I feel so depressed and doing basic tasks seems such an effort. My family are really supportive financially and emotionally. I feel I can vent some issues to them and they are in shock about him.
Who is the man I married and once loved? Im wondering where he went. I do not know this person who has and still is treating me so badly.
I have arranged for his family member to be there on the final day he has to go. I am going to change the locks immediately after he leaves. Then apply for the occupation order. I need this to prevent him returning (incase he gets in via children etc) -
None of us knew the person we fell for because they never existed. It’s all a huge act. You’re now beginning to see the real him. His mask is well and truly slipping. And yes it was absolutely devastating to find he had been cheating and seemed to move on so quickly. In reality if he had truly moved on he would have left the minute he found someone else but that’s not how they work, they want to hang around and cause the most damage they can, Spare yourself the pain. Stick to your plan to get him out then zero contact. Use his family member as a third party contact if they are willing.
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This is awesome to heaebyou making plans.
Yes do be prepared for heart break. Steel yourself for this. We have many had this happen. Trying to prove themselves always. When my ex was with me he always wanted to know whether id been with him longer than id been with my husband. Its all about proving themselves the best. I has no idea he would be straight out there on the hunt and actually if he wasnt axtually cheating he was trying to make me think he was
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I have watched some videos about living with the dominator he fits into so many categories. Im actually feeling quite scared now and dependant on his reaction on moving day im considering informing the police. I dont want to get him into trouble but want them to know im possibly at risk of harm from him. I think one contribution as to why he is so dominant because he watched his parent being dominant in the most terrible ways. He is damaged and not a normal lover he really does think all his behaviours are normal. I will have the family member present. His mask has slipped. I feel stupid Its took me until now to notice. I am anxious around police I might get my friend to call them. I just cant face it right now.
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Do it when you are ready. You have come so far already in seeing everything. Now your eyes are really open to who he is just keep using that knowledge to keep you safe. I completely relate to your fear around police and having your friends there is a good idea, so long as she will be safe, and you?
I remember the moment it all hit me, and I was horrified at how sinister he is/they are.
It’s a horrible feeling, but it is your protection and arms you with the knowledge you need to act safely.
Keep strong, you have come a very long way in a very short time.
Keep under his radar and keep making your plans.
Warmest wishes ts
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Ring the police. There’s absolutely nothing to feel anxious about. They’re there to help you. To keep you safe. Lots of men come from troubled backgrounds but do not become abusers. He chooses to behave this way. When you say you don’t want to get him in trouble. It’s not you who gets him in trouble. It’s his own actions. Holding him accountable is the right thing to do x
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@stayorlive
I have been through this experience wit both my long term relationships. After the rape – first suicide attempts, over the period of 2 weeks. Then trying to convince me to go and live to other country. Not eating, but in fact he was just putting the clothes which are too big for him. Look how you made me? or taking me to the shop and choose the very expensive jewellery, when i did not want anything to do with him. But in reality he was very mean and would not give me money. I really need to have many arguments about money all the time.
With the first abuser – he used medication to make him to sleep and control his anger. It is very addictive medication
That was my fault too, that he is like that. The same way – he bought me expensive ring, when he would not pay towards anything. He had some money, but always made sure, to live of me. By the way the ring he got back, with treats he will throw acid on me. i had many treats like this from him, about killing me. He even treat to kill my relative and the man, whom I tried to date, when I left him for some time. I wish that both this people gone to the police with these treats they both turned from me. Thought i’m a crazy, like my ex. -
I feel like my chest feels tight my breathing changes when I think about everything he has done to me. He is now in panic mode he got nasty and said im making things up in my head. He is not a drug addict im justing using it as an excuse to split up. His family member stirred the pot and is no longer involved at all in the situation. It tipped him over the edge the fact we had been discusing issues regarding the split. He started shouting and went red in the face he was so angry he was spitting all over. He turned to me and said dont worry im not going to hit you but i might smash this house up. I asked him to leave. He later apologised and said he will be going by the set date.
Fridges….im shocked to hear your events. It makes me sad to think a human can treat you and your family like this. -
Non of this is yours or the family members fault. It’s all him clawing back control. He needs to get out urgently. Have you called the police about todays events? So they know you are now at greater risk with him still there? Pleasehav someone stay with you, he has nothing to lose anymore. Better you go stay somewhere and tell him you will be back on moving out day, with the police, but say that once you are out and don’t go back.
I am really worried for your safety. You are now alone with him again and he’s nothing left to lose, you could be at massive risk right now.
Please keep posting how you are doing.
Warmest wishes. Ts
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I would ring the police and report his threatening outburst. Putting you in a state of fear and distress. Get them to remove him right away. Then change the locks. He’s going nowhere no matter what he says to,you. He’s threatened to destroy the house and I truly believe he will do,this. It’s obviously on his mind. It’s escalating and you’re now in much more danger. He has nothing to lose x
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Im ok. I will keep you updated. Im scared of calling the police. He would get really angry if I did. He has no fear of the law he thinks hes above it. I told him I dont want no contact with him or his family member once hes gone. He called me an evil b***h. I accidently revealed this and wish I hadnt immediately. Since the incident he has put the children to bed. Hes been ok.
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Today I feel weak. Still not giving up. Phoned food bank told me to phone GP or CAB for a voucher. Neither could help. Give up as a bad job. Days until he leaves. Then I will put the plan into place. Struggle on a few more days. He keeps saying to me he is willing to offer money for food but its my fault im not taking it. The money is in return for his stay. I would rather not accept it than have to deal with him any longer.
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you will not win a battle of wills with him. He will just simply change the goal post. I’m afraid the nearer to the deadline the more dangerous he will be and without assistance you will not be able to get rid of him. Even if he leaves, you need something legal in place to prevent his return. Please speak to the police x
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He left and is coming back to stay collect belongings and going again on deadline agreed day. He will feel like hes winning because I had to beg him for money for the children for something they needed. He give one and not the other. He blamed everything but deep down I think he did it on purpose because he knew the child with mental health is not well at the moment and has given me a hard time. It has thrown me into turmoil because I was planning on informing benefits people of his departure but Its now delayed because of him saying hes returning and I dont want to get into trouble. I have an appointment with a counsellor booked and with CAB because I just can not continue with no money or food for my children.
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You could apply for the benefits and let them know that he refuses to leave. Please don’t wait for the agreed moving day. If he was going anywhere he would be gone by now. My ex did the same. False promises. Get your benefits application in. Having no money is how he financially abuses you. If there is an overpayment you can always pay it back. My ex reported me for benefit fraud which was nonsense but he did it out of badness so protect yourself too. Speak to women’s aid about food banks etc.
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He would definately do the same. He would like to torture me in every way he could because I am not meeting his demands. He has been full of false promises for a long period of time. He actually believes in his head he is not a drug addict and I am making it up to make myself feel better about the split and to get sympathy from others. Hes starting to brainwash one of the children now that everything is my fault. Hes becoming homeless and its my fault.
I seriously do not know which way to turn. Family and friends are saying just pack his bags and lock the door but its not that easy!! He would go crazy if I did that to him. -
I feel anxious and not sleeping very well. I lost control and began shouting at him. He drove me to it. I demanded he fed the children and he did as I said. Hes playing games with my mind. He rang me a dozen times I ignoted his calls. Eventually I gave in and it was only to tell me there was an issue with one of the children. So used to having verbal abuse and nasty threats for not answering the phone on ring one I was shocked. The freedom I now have is fantastic. I have no ones orders to follow. I can do whatever I please. Im no ones slave. Its only been a short period of time but im planning how good my future is going to be. I can see this ending well for me. I also think about him on the look out for his next victim. I should not care because hes almost gone out of my life and leaving me alone (apart from financial ties). He seems to be taking it well no more glares or abuse. Still agreeing to set date to go.
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Hi Stayorleave,
Please get some good advice and support from the helpline or your local Women’s Aid group. If you do not want him coming back in to the house and you feel in any way unsafe, physically or emotionally then perhaps you could consider going to a refuge or getting support to keep him out of the house. Your local Women’s Aid group should be able to advise you on some financial support you might be entitled to, as can Turn2us (www.turn2us.org.uk) also offer a helpful benefits calculator which might be of help to you. You are doing so well and it sounds like without him you and the children are flourishing so please make sure you know all your options before he moves back in to the house, it could be potentially dangerous for you and tricky to get him out again now that he knows you are really committed to the separation.
Let us know how you get on with finding out your options.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Please be very careful. Him driving you to shout at him he can use against you. He could be recording it or setting you up to have you arrested or removed from the home. Don’t fall for his trap. Please have him removed and change locks asap. Nothing you do will make things worse because he’s going to continue his abuse anyway x
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Not spoken over the last few days. Promised to go by arranged date. Arranged date arrived. Still not gone. Family member of his arranged to meet with him to try help him go. In the meantime the children have to suffer financially whilst he uses the house like a free hotel. The children have not noticed his minimal appearance. They are excited to see him when they do see him and he thinks hes dad of the year. I however feel deflated angry and fed up. This is taking forever and im loosing patience. I feel like going away. I really wish I was not tied to the house financially I just want a fresh start.
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The agreed day has gone. He still wont go. He is using my house. Even invited his family round and I had to go in another room. He went out I packed his stuff. He phoned me giving me abuse and told me to burn his stuff. He is getting angry. In the meantime I have no choice but to put up with him. Its easy to say get him out but I dont want the kids to see him getting angry or worse have a big bust up.
I have set another deadline and threatened to change locks by this date. I will follow through. I will also call police on this date if I have to. I am not being unreasonable like he suggests. He has had enough time and money. He has chosen to do drugs instead of putting a roof over his own head. Hes convincing family and friends in the meantime im the crazy one. Hes dragging me down. -
I hate to say this but the kids are going to see bust ups and his anger even if he does move out. In fact he’s already abused them and will continue to do so just to spite you. I tried to protect my children and even defended his behaviour. I wish I’d just been honest and said your dad is hurting me and I cannot cope anymore. What he is doing is illegal and I had no choice but to call the police to keep us all safe. The smear campaign is beginning. The blaming you for his behaviour. Could you change the locks while the kids are st school? It’s surprising how cowardly these men are when you involve the police. It’s a different story thsn abusing a woman. He’s going nowhere. Better to take control and change the locks before he trashes your home and hurts you. I know how hard this is. I know it’s easy to say but not to do. The sooner you get him out the safer you will be. He’s going nowhere. He will be expecting you to do something on the next date and will be ready for you but you can be one step ahead of him x
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Hi stay or leave, a few years ago I was in a very similar situation to you. I tried to lock my ex out of the house when I couldn’t take much more and he broke my door down a wrecked the house infront of our kids. I’m pretty traumatised to this day as I felt so defenseless. I wish I had been more systematic looking back. I called the police that day and he ran, fled like a little boy and hid from them. What Im trying to say is spare yourself and your kids. Get the protection you need from the police and from everywhere you can. There are safety measures and they work. Its just a case of taking a deep breathe and taking the plunge. Call the police and get yourself the safety you need.Plan ahead.My ex wouldn’t dare come near us now. It’s been along journey but in the end he lost alot. God bless xx
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I dont feel like I know what is coming next. He is so unpredictable to me. Hes changed the goal posts so many times. I can no longer take any more. Im feeling physically ill.
He is not going because im telling him to go. He says hes going when he is ready to go. Its all on his terms. In the meantime im stuck here being told what to do. Financially he is not supporting us at all. I deserve better. How dare he treat me and the chidren like this. I am really angry and so upset. I wish I could fast forward past this. -
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He has gone but not without heated exchange of words and slamming of doors. He was so angry in his face and nasty in his words. He told the kids I have thrown him out. He said he knew it was over a long time ago for him. He said he never wanted to marry me or have some of the children with me he only wanted certain ones. He blames me for career choices and lack of money puting pressure financially on the relationship. Its my fault we have split and im making him out to be the bad person. Im manipulative and evil according to him and I should be the one leaving. If i try to change the locks before he returns for the rest of his stuff hes going to kick the door off.
I feel sick to my stomach but relieved hes gone. At last. -
Hi try to stand steady now.Did you call the police? Now you will probably feel the FOG descending on you because he’s twisted it around on you. Such typical behaviour from abusive characters. I always told myself that no matter what I have human rights. That is the right to a Normal happy life. That law is set in stone. You also have the right to protect yourself. Put you and your kids first now. Stay safe. I hope you are ok, you’ve proved that you so so very strong already. Keep going. Xx persevere with no contact and those horrible trauma bonds loosen and severe with time. ☺xx
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Well done. Do not allow him back into the home. In this rage he may well hurt you and your children. Do not believe a word he says. My ex left his stuff and sent men round 14 different times to take a little at a time. He could have removed everything in one trip. There wasn’t that much. They leave stuff as an excuse to come back. Pack his belongings and take them to the other family members house for him to collect there. Leave the key in the lock so he cannot re enter and get the locks changed asap. Ring the police when he turns up. It’s important you start as you mean to go on and he needs to know that he is not welcome at your home. It must have been terrifying for you and it’s appalling he would involve the children. At least they know that they do not have to tolerate abusive people.
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Do the police keep an eye on the house if you give them the heads up? I learned to stay one step ahead. X
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I did not feel the need to call the police. I suggested taking his stuff to a friends for him to collect from there. He said no he did not want his stuff to get ruined. Hes in a temporary place thats not very nice or safe and can not take all his stuff their. This is not my problem he has made this choice he could have had luxury accomodation but chooses his habit instead. I have set another deadline to get rest of his stuff. He suggested i was to burn them.
He really enjoyed having a go at me and I know he believes he is right about everything. -
Its been so peaceful since he left. He still has a key and returned for belongings when I was out which I did not mind. He still has lots of stuff and said will be returning to get them and I made it clear once he had cleared the stuff I want the key back. He is not upset in the slightest and seems really happy and calm which is out of character for him.
I feel free and life is great with no one controlling me but I do feel sad inside that I have not got a family unit like before.
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