Gifts

[Ocean]

Hello lovely ladies,
I wasn’t sure where to turn for help. Then I thought maybe something similar has happened to others.
My ex is very manipulative and I stay confused between trusting him and thinking he must be a good person while denying what he has done by thinking I misunderstood the situation and completely terrified knowing what he is capable of and the terrible things he has done and the twisted mentality he has.
Our older children are scared of him. Although he is able to change their minds sometimes by confusing them too. He has physically abused us, but never left us with bruises or broken bones so there is no evidence. It wasn’t necessarily the physical abuse that caused the fear, but the mental control he had by just raising his voice or changing his tone or body language. He also controls us by obligation and guilt.
That being said, the older children have decided they don’t want to see him. But he has lured one of them out recently with an expensive gift. My child thought their father would have the gift delivered, but he tricked them into going outside to see him and brought it himself. Now he is trying to lure our other child to see him with another expensive gift. On top of that he is trying to convince them they are not afraid of him by reminding them of good times.
After the first incident where he tricked our child to go outside I was told I could get another injunction, as I’ve had one before. I told him this when he was trying to bring more gifts for our younger children as he was insistent on bringing them to the house even when I told him not to and that we can make other arrangements. So, he knows I don’t feel comfortable with him coming to our house and now he is trying to come for the third time by offering gifts.
At the same time I feel silly for being scared and making this an issue. Our children are scared too and uncomfortable with the way he tricks his way in, but they want the gifts too.
He is also using this to say the children aren’t really scared of him as they would go outside to see him. He is constantly undermining.
Thank you for reading this. Any advice or comments are welcome xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hey Ocean

Yes! My abusive husband also uses gifts to lure. He is grooming your children to spend time with him. Mine bought our youngest (I have 2 young teenagers) a really expensive gift as only youngest would see him so husband didn’t buy elder child anything. My 2 decided not to see their dad which was a relief but he has now contacted younger child and is planning on coming to collect him and take him to buy an expensive gift.

I am due to start mediation and divorce, husband has no idea as he has tried to break me financially, emotionally.
I wish they wouldn’t manipulate children but their abuse doesn’t stop with us, they continue with their children as they do not love, they want to win.
❤️

[Ocean]

Hi Hereforhelp,
Thank you for your reply.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and your kids too.
My ex also only bought gifts for our child who went to visit him before they decided not to go anymore. I hated the sense of grooming that was happening to the child that went and also the sense of worthlessness the one who didn’t go felt. They know his games, I just worry about the effect it has on them.
It’s hard to accept that they do not love. When I have accepted this, it was the only time I felt I could begin to process everything. Those highs, and also memories of the good times makes me want to believe he did love. But it is a selfish love, one that would change quickly to hate if his desires weren’t met.
I hope the best for you with the mediation and divorce.
xx

[Anonymous]

He’s manipulating them and taking advantage of the fact the injunction orders not in place anymore, abusive people dont care about your boundaries (only usually when they’re made legal) and sometimes not even then but in his case he listened to the law but not your boundaries, he’s mind gaming to influence and what’s next more attemps of time spending?more infuencing them as a way to groom them and to undermine you? and possibly try (especially the youngest) to turn them against you?💖🤗💖

[Ocean]

Hi Auriel,
Thank you for your comment. There is something empowering in your words. You are so right, they don’t care about our boundaries. I needed that reminder. Sounds silly as I type it out now. Surely his behaviour shows that he does not care about my boundaries. It was just my understanding, implanted by him, that prevented me from seeing it. The thoughts of ‘it’s his children’s house too, not just mine’ ‘he has a right to his children’ ‘maybe I am making a big deal over nothing’ ‘ do I even have reason to be afraid’ ‘maybe I have no right to set boundaries’.
Thanks again xx

[Anonymous]

You have rights to keep you and your children safe, he’s abused you and your children in the past to an extent you needed (and got) a restrain8ng order so he loses rights, it’s easy to forget their tactics while your in situations,when your stressed and when they’re confusing and trying to influence you and those around you, he may be their father but he’s also an abuser and they have their own perspective on things and what they’ve done that don’t match facts, as you said your choldren are scared of him so they shouldn’t have to see him and you don’t want him back in your life either (which makes sense) 💚🫂💚

[Thewhiterabbit]

Ask the children to unite together and let them make the decision. With all age appropriate information given and make them write it down or video conversations make sure not to put anything in that could be used as a direction and you can use this in court I’d also get advice from cafcass or social services

[Author]

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