giving in

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi

Had a difficult evening last night emotionally, as kids spoke with dad about how he is handling problems and interacting with them and I couldn’t intervene, partly as I felt they needed to have it out with each other but also because I am mentally not functioning with it all, just couldn’t cope with it. My eldest kept looking at me to get involved and I partly couldn’t because I was numb but also, is he a dad just being firm?

Any how hubby went out he was feeling down after the conversation as he took everything as a personal insult even though the kids kept saying it wasn’t as they knew the reaction that was coming from him.

While he was out kids chatted with me and said he isn’t any different he still is the same but his approach is different, he’s trying to tame it down but its still sounding the same, if this makes sense? It made me sad and confused and thinking again about how to deal with things. He is great with the younger two and was ok with the older two when they were young, but as things have got more complicated with kids getting older he has not been so good, and we all discussed whether he will be like this with younger two as they become older or is he more patient with them?

When he returned I had had a evening with lots going on and hadn’t sat down, it was already late and by time I got to bed I was so tired and had a meeting in morning at school, let alone getting four kids ready for 3 different schools etc etc.

Anyhow, he wants to get intimate and im saying Im too tired. He says well I will when you’re asleep, in a joking manner, he has in past which if im honest I have been ok with it, when things were ok, before I realised, but thinking about it now Im not and with what I realise about him, and with the conversation with kids earlier in evening, I really wasn’t into it however I knew he was joking but he might try it. He goes on and on and I keep saying im tired I have to get my sleep its late etc and he’s saying we never have sex, we do though. I gave in.

Today Im feeling fed up and really tired, I really needed my sleep, surely he should say ok when I say I am too tired? My mind wasn’t in the right place either. Im feel like Im moaning about something most women put up with, am I right? But with all else going on ….

Is this what all men are like?

[KIP.]

Having sex with someone without their consent is rape. That very much includes if you don’t have the capacity to consent. ie sleeping, intoxicated etc. This is how the sexual abuse began with my ex. It’s not the fact he wants sex, it’s the fact that you say no. You have the control and he cannot stand that so he will rape and continue to rape and like the other abuse, it will no doubt get worse. At least it did in my case. Abuse is insidious, it creeps up and before you know you’re too exhausted trying to survive to recognise and work it out. I was once told to think back to the early days of courting. There is a respectful boundary. I would never have sex with someone who didnt want to and no good man would either. Abuse comes in many forms. This is just another form. Sleep deprivation is a recognised tool of an abuser. It’s keeps us exhausted and unable to think straight and we are confused. All this he is deliberately doing to keep the upper hand. Please get in touch with women’s aid or ring rape crisis for a chat. No, most women don’t have to put up with this. Most men wouldn’t dream of acting this way. It’s illegal and if convicted he would go to jail for quite some time.

[Iwantmeback]

I was having this conversation with the support worker at WA recently. It’s too big to go into in on one interview but it’s definately extremely hard for us to acknowledge sexual abuse/rape is happening in our marriages. Rape to us is forced, violent. But no means no and men since time began have always tried to get you to change your mind, say yes. Even’ ‘you’ll get into it once we get going’,’you know you want it really’. your body reacts and then you get more confused because you really don’t want to but you’re body is saying differently. It’s just biology, continuation of the species. Your head and heart is screaming no but your automatic reaction isn’t. It’s also your body’s natural way of protecting you. Letting him think you still care when deep down you don’t. By having to have sex when you don’t want it, it begins to feel dirty, sordid, without love or feelings for the other partner it’s no longer a loving act.
We do what we do to survive and women have been doing that for generations.
IWMB 💕💕

[AlwaysSorry]

Reading your posts on this topic really “clicked” something in me that I’m terrified to talk about. I suppose that’s a sign.

I was raped – I think – when I was young, at the time below the legla sexual age of the country I was in. I was drunk which was legal to be in that country and I have flashes of it, but I’ve never been able to remember all of it. And that means not able to remember if I said no or not, a requirement for that country in order for it to be rape. Nothing ever came of it, but even with healthy sexual relationships since, you know it’s kind of in the background luring.

I told my abusive ex everything, I had no secrets from him. He knew all my hopes, dreams, aspirations, but also fears and past traumas and why there were just some things where I might have a stronger reaction than others who had not been in those situations would. I should have known when I told him about this “rape” that he would spin it around to him “crying”, having to take the day off work because this had just shattered his mind and if he ever found out who did it, he would kill him. I never told my abusive ex who it was. In fact some years after it had happened, I had hugged my “rapist” who came up to me and briefly said he was sorry for how he had acted, he should have known I was too drunk. By no means would I say I forgave him for that “rape” but it certainly was placed further in the background because of that very brief talk. But anyway, back to the abusive ex who made my “rape” all about him. Cause I wasn’t perfect any more now was I…

Fast forward some months, I was thrown to the floor and was shouted at and told I was too fat for anyone to want to rape me anymore, he made an awful comment about my legs but it’s so specific I can’t mention it here, how dare I force myself on him and similar statements. Why such a reaction? I had made a suggestion we have sex.

Sex after that became a schedule more or less. No selfpleasure was allowed. It was mechanical and not enjoyable. No forplay or anything that might make it feel good for me. I don’t know how many times I faked it, I do know I went nearly 2 full years faking it on one stretch of this. Because he said I had forced myself on him by verbally suggesting sex that one time, it just stuck with me – I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone, I knew what that had done to me so sex became by his rules and when it was scheduled to happen there was a strict rutine to follow and often he would tell me to “just do something”. I once made the mistake during this and didn’t fake it. That somehow wounded him so badly he pushed me out of the bed, then told me I was acting and had rolled out of the bed myself. I never made that mistake again.

I had boundaries sexually, in specific two places I did not want to be touched because it so uncomfortable for me. He broke those boundaries regularly where I would tell him no. He did it anyway. I sometimes would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be fondling those places under my nightshirt. In the end I stopped saying no. What was the point?

I wish I could offer some comfort on this area to all of you who wrote or are/have experienced similar. I just find I could more easily forgive the guy who in my teens “raped” me because I was too drunk to consent than I can forgive my ex for repeatedly crossing my boundaries. At least I knew I had said no and said no many times to him.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi AlwaysSorry, well done in opening up. Being forced to have sex is awful, being coerced, manipulated, badgered into having sex just cos he won’t take no…. anyway.
A family member was grooming me as a young child, thankfully it didn’t go any further, due to circumstances. Years and years later he too apologised to me. By his owning what he did, it has given me a sense of closure. We’ll NEVER have a family relationship, but I’m at peace with what happened and no longer wish him harm. Compassion truly is love for oneself 💜
Take care and keep posting.
IWMB 💕💕

[AlwaysSorry]

Thanks IWMB,

I think the way you described it is very accurate, it’s a form of closure indeed, rather than forgive and move on, it’s just closed. I don’t know what happened, after writing it I felt relief, but now some hours later I’ve hit rock bottom because I realise that when he touched and put things where I didn’t want them, he was actally raping me and I never thought of it like that until now. It’s just sent me on a spiral where I can’t believe he is out there living the single life to the fullest in a job he really should not be in considering what he did to me and I’m just here and I’m just a mess and I’ve just realised he violated me in this way too and it just hurts, it hurts i just want it to sotp

[KIP.]

It’s a shocking subject. I couldn’t say the word rape for six months after my ex was arrested. The word would not come out. Struck dumb. Now I know what that means. Sometimes it’s good to know we are not alone. Amy Schumer was raped by her boyfriend while she slept. He took her virginity. Joan Collins was raped and then married him. Her first husband. We are not alone. Yes, perhaps some women have put up with it for years. Maybe for different reasons but the shame and guilt belongs with the men who actually want to have sex with someone who clearly does not. I believe these men feel entitled and will be the same with every partner they are with.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve all had your own experiences and how hurtful it has been.

I really always thought it was normal but since KIP you replied I looked into this more and understand what is happening. I just knew in my head and my heart it didn’t feel right.

Its been there from the beginning he has always been pushy and have just done things to please him, as I felt there was no other way that it was the done thing.

It’s made me realise that I have had previous experiences with other men too which were sexually abusive or more.

I need to get my head around this as it’s also another thing to add to the list of what is not right, it’s overwhelming going from what you think is acceptable and a normal marriage to realising how much it really isn’t.

It’s going to take time to digest everything I am learning, I keep posting when I’m feeling confused and the replies from everyone help.

Thank you x

I feel like my reality of what has been is completely wrong and I feel lost.

[Iwantmeback]

That’s it right there CB, pushing you to do things you really don’t want to. My oh is so pleased he was my first(having sex anally) I didn’t want to, yes I was curious, but it didn’t sit right with me. There are so many nerve endings around and within the a**s(which I don’t have, but that’s another story), and of course the feelings released(cortisol&serotonin,I think)make you more confused. Because surely if you didn’t want to do something, it would not make you feel good. But we do it to make him happy to please him, because we don’t want them going elsewhere or we have to show them we’re not frigid or that we do love them, because if we don’t do what they want, then we obviously don’t really love them.
You forget your initial reservations, of saying no, as it becomes a regular part of your sex life. Then they start pushing for more, 3-somes, using toys(then feel even more insecure because the toys are usually bigger than them and they’ll accuse you of preferring the toys to them. 😂😂 my oh says he’s taught me everything about sex and I just laugh now. Yes he’s taught me how depraved men really are and if given the chance would be more.
Yours frigidly😉
IWMB 💞💞

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