Going back!

[Benson]

I am in process of moving away, disappearing so I can be safe. Found out today that I have to let courts know, (detail removed by Moderator). My barrister tells me that I have to tell the courts where I am going as my ex can apply for the courts to find me and for my address. I will never be free from his harassment and stalking, so I have decided the best thing is to go back with him until my child is old enough to voice what she wants, in the mean time the only way to keep her safe is to go back and then I can be with her whilst she is around this man. Also hearing that he can find me wherever I go, then I will never be safe.

[starryeyed]

Hi Benson,

I’m sorry to hear you got that news about having to let the courts know about where you will be living in the future – this is really alarming. Especially as access has already been denied? Surely this means that if he goes back to the courts for access then he will be denied again? I’m not sure about legalities and I do not have children myself, so I’m sorry I can’t be much help…but going back to him with your child really, really worries me…he wants you back and he is likely to up the abuse – you will be in such danger Benson.

Have you spoken to Rights for Women or Women’s Aid for some advice and support? x*x

[Benson]

It’s so wrong, that abusers are given so much power. I try so hard to keep myself and my child safe, but it has become impossible, the only way is to move but to be told that he can find me through the courts means I will never be free. I am so scared, that the only other way I can think of is to go back- then disappear when my child is old enough to give her opinion. There is no other way.

[KIP.]

If you return to him the courts may remove your child from you. He has been denied access because he is dangerous. You are putting your child at risk by returning. There are safeguarding methods. You can go anonymous on voters roll etc. Don’t make a huge mistake now when you’ve come this far. Don’t put you child at risk again.

[lover of no contact]

Benson, with the best will in the world you will not be mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually and physically be able to withstand his abuse, his behaviours and patterns and his need to hurt you and your child so that he can feel in control and have Power. Your will may tell you this is the best thing to do but you are only human you won’t be able to rear your daughter while simultaneously being abused on every level. Your daughter will not have a healthy parent to abuse her (you) she will have a mother who is being abused and tortured to rear her. Also the hardest part for me (I stayed with my abuser for the first 2 decades of my children’s lives) was my abuser alienating my daughter against me. They do everything they can (lie, smear us) to weaken the bond between our children and us. They get a real laugh out of that but to experience that pain of your child being brain-washed against you is excruciating pain.

My second child he turned on and abused her. After 2 decades of abuse by him (similar to the way he abused me) she is left with an eating disorder, very low self-esteem, low self-confidence and low self-worth. And this child has model looks is beautiful inside and out and is left with this legacy after being reared in a home with an abuser.

Third child similar, eating disorder and the low self-worth, self-esteem, anxiety for every little thing.

And that’s to say he doesn’t go too far in asserting and maintain control with you and leave you with a serious injury or end your life. Your abuser form your posts sounds seriously dangerous who is relentless and has no regard for any boundaries.

Keep posting and there’s a saying if unsure don’t do anything. Don’t do anything yet. We are all here for you no matter what you decide to do.

[lover of no contact]

Typo-Your daughter will not have a healthy parent to rear her

[Serenity]

I’m worried for you and your child, Benson.

As many of us here know, including yourself, we can try to go into survival mode and brave what it slung at us, but the damage is real.

You and your child are worth so much more. You deserve to be free and happy.

Please try to get more advice about this. We are here for you x

[Benson]

I am trying so hard, just don’t have the strength to go on fighting, when I know he can apply through the court to find me. I feel so disheartened as I thought I had everything in place so that I could move and not be found. The system is so wrong. The easiest option is to go back.

[Lisa]

Hi Benson,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. As others have mentioned I would strongly advise you to seek some legal advice. Rights of Women can provide you with free legal advice over the phone. Their helplines are answered by volunteer female solicitors.

My understanding is that you don’t have to disclose your address if there is a history of domestic violence. I am aware your barrister told you you would have to give the court your new location/address but please seek a second opinion. Even if the perpetrator makes an application to the court, you can still challenge this on the grounds of domestic violence.

You and your child deserve to live a life free from abuse. Have you had support with moving? A domestic abuse support worker should hopefully be assisting you with this. Consider contacting your local domestic abuse service if this isn’t the case.

It may feel easier to just go back, but the abuse and control will likely escalate. These men don’t like it when we leave them and could make life for you and your child very difficult.

You deserve so much more. Take care and keep posting.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Benson, can you get some advice from a solicitor, cab or womens aid or the police. It doesn’t seem accurate that he can find you through the courts if he is a known domestic abuser. Lots of women and children are protected from these men by the police and courts and social services so it makes no sense and seems like you have been given the wrong information. Ring the helpline and ask for a callback, also try victim support as they have been great with me.

Please don’t go back. He sounds extremely dangerous and is likely to hurt you if you return. You are strong and brave and can do this. You and your child deserve so much more than a life with an abuser.

[Ayanna]

Please, please do not go back!
Do not believe everything what lawyers tell you.
They are also slaves of the system and bow to it.
You do not have to disclose your whereabout.
You can make a special arrangement, that he and his lawyers cannot find out where you are, but only the court knows.
I have done that during my divorce.
They still made a huge mistake, but if you insist with power and use strong words how important your and your child’s safety are it should work.
Stay strong and fight.
It is a very hard time until all the proceedings are finished.
Trust me, you can do this!
Get advice from Rights of Women and Women’s Aid.
You need to fight, sister.
Nothing is gained without fighting.
Think of the suffragettes.
In our fight for justice from abuse we are like the suffragettes, against powerful patriarchs who want to smash us. But most of us will make them look small in the end, because we are all warrior queens and so are you too.

[Benson]

I know I have to stay strong here, it’s a constant battle. My child deserves better. I have tried on numerous occasions to contact rights of women- has anyone got through on the helplines? I need legal advice as I am worried CAFCASS will need to complete their risk assessment and I don’t know what to say about where I live. (detail removed by Moderator), I am so scared. I have moved out this weekend into temporary, until I relocate. He watched from afar as I moved, so now he knows I am going- I need to keep myself safe until I disappear. There is so much to think about, I fear I can’t take much more and I am doing it all by myself. Very little support from local services here, they are all so stretched!

[KIP.]

Women’s aid can help with a refuge and from there you can get the support you need.

[Benson]

Thanks KIP, it’s not long until I relocate, just a matter of days, so just need to keep myself safe until then. I have a house ready for when I relocate, just need to make sure I am not followed and that I can be safe there. It’s just (detail removed by Moderator) and being told by a barrister that I have to disclose to my ex I have moved and my whereabouts – I can’t, it will defeat the whole object, I plan on starting a new life, away from the constant harassment and stalking. Only (detail removed by Moderator) I had a dead mouse left on my car!

[lover of no contact]

Well done Benson. Yes you can do this. We are all behind you. Rely on our strength when you need to. Post as much as you need. Take it One Day at a Time. So gald you’re not going back. You will never regret that decision to not go back. You and your child will thrive.

[Benson]

Thank you for your support. Lover of no contact, you are right one day at a time. It was all the support on here that stopped me going back, made me realise once again that it would be a selfish and dangerous decision. I nearly crumbled at the end of last week but I have found some more strength to carry on with my plans. I have contacted a local agency (detail removed by Moderator), so hopefully I can get a bit of help with regards being safe. I apologise now, if I post a lot over the next few weeks, I just know I have challenging times ahead. For now I am thankful I am safe, he doesn’t know where we are and very soon I will be living miles away.

[Ayanna]

Again: The abuser does not have to know your address. You can correspond via the court and only they know where you are. I have done this.
If you pay a lawyer the correspondence happens via this lawyer and again the abuser does not need to know your address. If that lawyer cannot understand this (detail removed by Moderator) and are traitors or they are useless.
When you ring Rights of Women use their call back function and wait for their reply.
Call as early as possible.

Fight for your rights! Do not believe everything! Stand your ground! You can do this!

[Tiffany]

I am so glad you are not going back. I have been so worried about you. Like everyone says, you shouldn’t have to disclose your new address to him, even if the court knows it. Make sure you get the right legal help and stay safe.

[KIP.]

Check your car thoroughly for tracking devices before you move. They’re now very cheap and readily available. If he knows your car it won’t be difficult to attach something underneath. Do you know how he found you the first time?

[Benson]

Thanks, I will check my car. Previously he located me in refuge as he had put a tracker on my phone. I have since changed my handset. Once moved out and into house he tracked me by following me. I am in a bit of pickle today, as found out that DA support in local area cannot (detail removed by Moderator), I can’t do it alone, I am too scared. I am still struggling to get advice regards to my address, I can’t get through to rights of women and they don’t seem to have ring back option. It’s all a mess and worried about the move, whilst having to stay hidden so that I can stay safe until we go. I have never felt so ill with the stress of it all, my head is a complete mush.

[KIP.]

Try ringing another DA support service maybe in the next town. Victim Support may also have someone who can help you. Mine said they would go to civil court with me (detail removed by Moderator). Citizens advice may have volunteers too. Don’t give up. Do you have any family members that would go with you? You might want to ring 101 and ask them to help,you check your car over.

[Benson]

It’s only a few days now until I disappear. I have no family support, and am beginning to doubt myself whether I can do this. I am scared I have made the wrong decision, moving away from everything I know, the area I have lived for many years, my job and my life! I am panicking whether I have made the right decision, uprooting my child, starting my life again. It is going to be so difficult. I am worried I will be found and I will be living in an area where no one knows my past. What if I can’t cope? I can’t then go back. So many what ifs!

[lover of no contact]

I too regularly go into worst-case scenario thinking. So many changes that you didn’t choose or had planned is hard but we ladies are very resilient and to feel safe is the most important criteria. I think safety comes first in our hierarchy of needs even before food etc. So even though you will be adapting to a new living space you will be safe and not living in fear. Even when we don’t actively make changes or have changes forced on us like you do, life as we know it changes. Children grow up, parents die, friends move. You can post about any grief you feel at having to so abruptly leave your job, your living area etc in the days ahead. Just take your huge feelings that come up while adapting to your new living space a Day at a Time. Or even an hour at a time.

But for the moment its First things First, And the first thing and the priority is your and your child’s safety and getting to that safe space.

Keep using all the supports. Don’t try and handle it on your own. Ask and keep asking for help. This is big what you have to do and people’s job is to help you. And we are here to support you every step of the way and in the early days.

You can do this and you can handle what each day brings.

[Benson]

Suddenly I have been alerted to a very inappropriate linked profile set up in my name and has been linked to my email account. I know who has done this! I can’t believe they would do it, I am a professional who cannot be connected to this. What else is he going to try to ruin me?

[Ayanna]

Change your online name. That way you will become invisible to him.
You do not necessarily have to appear under your real name.
Then block him.

[lover of no contact]

Again he is trying to rise you, to get a reaction. I can just imagine him laughing as he put the dead mouse on your car and laughing to himself while he set up this profile in your name. Ring Women’s Aid to speak it through with them. He’s shooting himself in the foot. (detail removed by Moderator) Its good you posted as he is doing these things to have you thinking about him and to trigger reactions (and you’d want to be a non-human not to react with all the stuff he’s doing to provoke you).

Maybe some other ladies may have advice and experience what to do to stop his false profile of you affecting your job. I would also ring Women’s Aid and talk it through with them as you’re naturally worried this may affect your reputation.

When your thoughts turn to him and his provocations try and turn your thoughts to your self-care and your child. He wants you to be focussed on him. The best revenge to him is to make him as important as the chewing gum on your shoe. I know this is a huge challenge in your situation and even if you manage to forget him for 1 minute out of 5 well that’s progress.

Keep posting.

[SunshineRainflower]

Definitely seek outside help for everything he is doing such as womens’ aid, local domestic abuse teams and any relevant charities, victim support and log it all with the police including photographs, dates and times. I was harassed but to a lesser degree and just kept it all in a folder before going to the police to report him. What he is doing is criminal behaviour designed to threaten, scare and intimidate you so don’t feel you have to deal with it alone.

Seek out some help on securing yourself online, such as changing your email address, passwords, wiping phone and resetting it, cleaning any laptops etc of viruses and trackers (wiping is the best option after saving documents to an external hard drive). I actually got my mechanic to check my car for tracking devices in my car, I knew I’d look a bit crazy asking but in the end felt a lot better knowing that a professional had checked and found nothing. In the end these men are the crazy ones and we have to let the professionals and the police deal with them, abusers thrive if we try to cope with it alone. What have the police said about all of his stalking and harassment? He must have a huge file by now of everything he has done to you. If they are not helping then return to them and demand help from the domestic abuse team who by the sounds of it need to be doing a better job in protecting you.

I would also speak to your managers and let them know if he is trying to tarnish your name so that they are aware if anything happens and can help protect you too.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Benson,
I just wanted to add my support and understanding of the horrendous situation you’re in. You are doing brilliantly.
I’m going through divorce process myself, my lawyer said I don’t have to disclose my address to my husband ,there is a section on the divorce papers. I would definitely check this out.
I know it’s overwhelming at times, but hang in there. Phone or try to drop into your local citizens advice bureau. My local cab was excellent and extremely supportive as is my local Women’s aid group. Please keep reaching out for support. I know it’s frustrating with resources being so stretched, but it’s so much easier with some help.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your little one keep trying. If you don’t get through on one helpline, try a different one. There’s lots of help out there it’s just different in each area. I wish you luck and courage to keep going. You are doing so brilliantly well. I pray you find the right support very soon
God bless

[Benson]

I have done it! I have gone, somewhere hopefully where he won’t be able to find us and track us down! It feels very strange, last night I walked to the chip shop without looking over my shoulder and today have been out walking with my child, this is something I haven’t been able to do for a long time- I feel free! However, I still find it difficult to sleep and wake with every slightest noise – I am hoping this will improve with time. Now I have to find the strength for (detail removed by moderator) battle next week – I wish I didn’t have to go back, I feel so good right now.

[SunshineRainflower]

That is so great Benson, very well done! I hope you recognise the strength and bravery you have shown, and are celebrating. Keep safe and keep accessing all the support available, don’t feel you have to manage your situation alone as it seems like an incredibly difficult one. Very well done and Happy Easter to you 🙂

[KIP.]

Ask for a video link (detail removed by moderator)

[lover of no contact]

So very well done. Yes celebrate your strength and bravery and your freedom. You resisted his relentless, enormous pressure. You are the Powerful one in the dynamic with him. He won’t have access to your reactions now. Gather as much support around you as possible (detail removed by Moderator) so you can stay strong. (detail removed by Moderator) I was going to attend the (detail removed by moderator) on my own (I didn’t want to take up anyone’s time etc) but last minute I asked 3 friends. The 3 friends came with me and I felt sooo strong with their support. He came to the (detail removed by moderator) with his brother. My 3 friends felt like a protective shield around me. I can’t believe that I was going to attend (detail removed by moderator) alone so as not to put anyone out. I had no family for support either so couldn’t ask them.

Keep posting (detail removed by Moderator) as much as you need.

[Benson]

(Detail removed by moderator). (Detail removed by moderator) – this scares me, I have done so well, trying to make a new life. I know that my ex will try and follow me (detail removed by Moderator) once he knows, my freedom is over, I am destroyed. Why do these men have so much power(detail removed by Moderator)? I hate it,(Detail removed by moderator) really put me back, my confidence, the flashbacks.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Benson,

You are not destroyed, you have inner reserves of strength and power. Each challenge is difficult but take it one step at a time. Can you confirm to your solicitor that they do not inform your ex of your address and that the court also keeps it a secret, due to safety and domestic abuse concerns. They will be familiar with this as it is very common for abuse survivors. Keep going and don’t lose hope.

[KIP.]

(Detail removed by moderator) will put you in danger then fight against this.

[Benson]

I enquiries about (Detail removed by moderator) but they don’t have any facilities. (Detail removed by moderator). I have a safety plan so hopefully will not be followed after (detail removed by Moderator). I am dreading the whole experience, I don’t know why it is still going ahead, except it will provide him with the opportunity to verbally and emotionally abuse me again. It fills me with dread, last couple of days I have been feeling so much stronger in a new area. Does anyone have any tips so that I don’t come crashing down again? I know I have a fight on my hands, but I have to keep my child safe.

[Benson]

(Detail removed by moderator) was really hard, but I did it. I was so positive, going in, knowing that it was going to be an awful experience. I held it together and it was a good result. But once again the verbal and emotional abuse has gripped me- I had decided that I was not going to take any notice, but since, the words he has said keep going round and round in my mind, I keep thinking maybe he is right. He made up his usual lies and some of the comments, I know had double meanings. He has once again got into my head. At least I have managed to get back safely, into my new area without being followed, he doesn’t know where I am.

[lover of no contact]

What a fantastic achievement to get through what you had to do (Detail removed by moderator) with him there, and you’re still standing. I was the same when I was at the same place you were (Detail removed by moderator), their words always get into our heads. Toxic words so we feel awful because we have to listen there and the abuser’s words are like poison, that’s why we feel so bad. But you got through it. Its over now. In a day or two the words he uttered will not be so dominant in your head. You feel awful because you’ve just had contact with him, which you couldn’t avoid. As each day goes by the No Contact with him will work its magic and you’ll start to feel better.

Celebrate your courage, your strength and your bravery.

[Benson]

Thank you for all your support and words of wisdom lover of no contact. I have been exhausted today, but managed to go to the cinema for the first time with my child. This is something I have never been able to do, due to fear of our safety. We both thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and seeing how happy my child is, makes it all worth while. Onwards and upwards, our new life is just beginning. I am also going to seek out local support services for DA, so I can have support. Thanks again

[lover of no contact]

That is fantastic, nothing like the cinema for getting them out of our head space. You will go from strength to strength. Your new life is just beginning and keep as much support around you as possible. Well done!

[Benson]

(Detail removed by moderator) I have been incredibly low, going over and over what he said, I have also been putting on a brave face, exploring our new area with my child, doing things we were never able to do before. But it sounds strange, but I am suddenly really missing my old life, I think (Detail removed by moderator) has really unsettled me. Anyway I rang the local women’s aid yesterday for support, they were very helpful and couldn’t understand why things hadn’t been transferred to this police team. Anyway I have a meeting with women’s aid in a couple of weeks, so I am hoping they can support me in my new area and just give me the confidence that I am doing the right thing!!

[Benson]

I need a bit of advice, I am slightly panicking! The local support services has rang today, telling me that they are concerned about the risk- I thought this had greatly lowered because I had moved myself and my child. They want to refer it to a MARAC, I have objected as they need to contact the prvious police force. I don’t want this as I haven’t told them where I am and through this they will know where I have gone. He has many good friends in the police and I didn’t want them knowing my new address in case it was leaked. I only range for a bit of support in my new area! I don’t want to be involved with the police again, safety measures etc.I want to move on in my life, that is why I have moved area. Does anyone know, will it still go to MARAC if I object and do they have to contact the previous force, if I was subject to a MARAC previously? Thanks in advance

[lover of no contact]

Other ladies will have experience of MARAC and your situation. I don’t have experience of MARAC but I do have experience of abusers and professionals who are dealing with abusers/victims and a well renowned professional for the court was manipulated by my abuser and ‘charmed’ by him. I think you are panicking because your gut is saying keep your whereabouts close to your chest. You are in charge of your safety and your little girl and this means keeping your place where you reside secret. He has many good friend’s in the police force. Yes I would believe this, the police are not exempt from falling for their charm and acting skills. Abusers are brilliant actors.

You are in control of your life. You are in control of what you reveal and to whom and when, how , how much info etc. Until you get more information from other women who have been through similar I would fob off other professionals by saying you are getting advice from Women’s Aid or whoever (its ok to lie to keep ourselves safe). You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do at the moment. You know best.

[Benson]

Thanks for this, problem is they tell me because I have a young child, they can override my objection and do it anyway. In fact they tell me today that they have already put the paperwork in, so it’s going to go ahead anyway. Once again I have no control over it. In someways I wish I hadn’t ask for support and just got on with things by myself.

[Benson]

I have hit a low today. Feeling incredibly lonely, knowing no one and not being able to tell anyone where I am. I am suddenly missing my old life. I am unable to sleep at the moment, which is making things worse. The only thing that is keeping me going is my young child telling me that they never want to go back to their old house. I know I have done the right thing and we are safe, but it is just taking time for me to adjust and I think the MARAC has really unsettled me, I was hoping to just get on with my life. The only thing I am really thankful for is that he does not know where I am, for now. Sorry to keep posting, but I have no one else to talk to and sound off to.

[Lisa]

Hi Benson,

You have been through so much it is understandable how you are feeling, you have been on high alert for so long. If talking helps then remember you can call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) at any time as the Helpline Workers can be a listening service as well as discussing options.

I hope it helps to offload on here. Perhaps start a new thread so it is easier for others to see when you have posted. Keep posting to us when you can, we are here for you whenever you need us.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[lover of no contact]

Hi Benson,

It is normal to feel low as you have been on high alert for so long, you just had to survive him and his drama so you couldn’t allow any feelings to come up, they could not be processed as you needed all your attention to be on coping.

Now you are safe s the negative, low feelings can come to the surface to be felt, and then then this means you are healing. There is a saying ‘feel and heal’.

I hate the low, negative feelings and I always feel they will never leave me and I will always feel low. But they do leave. We could treat Feelings like visitors, let them come and go.

This low period will pass. It is normal. You had probably a lot of adrenaline in your system also.

I find starting a gratitude list seems to help me a bit when feeling low and negative (coping with my losses due to ex). Its hard to start (I never feel like doing it, I have to force myself) but I always feel a bit better when I focus my mind on that, even if its just gratitude for food, roof over my head, health of my children and I, safety etc.

Keep posting.

[Benson]

Thanks- I tried thinking about the gratitude list last night, but ended up being grateful for not having the bruises, the burns etc from my ex! I am going to try again in a couple of days, trying to think of things that do not include my ex! Last couple of days the fear has crept back in, I can’t sleep as worried he has found me and will seriously harm me by breaking into my house- I know I am just being paranoid, I am even trying to sleep with all the lights on, but this isn’t helping. I think I have had 3 hours sleep in the last couple of nights and I am desperate for some rest. I started my new job today, feeling exhausted, I had to put on a front, they know nothing, so had to pretend I am normal and lead a normal life. I am just dreading anyone asking about my child’s father!! It was a really intense day and I kept finding my mind wondering, worrying about my child being safe at the nursery. I know It will pass, but it’s hard trying juggle everything and keep going.

But thanks for your support, it makes it easier when I know it’s not just me going mad, having these low points. It’s easier to accept, by knowing its part of the leaking process and I agree I haven’t had to freedom to do this until now.

[lover of no contact]

Gosh well done starting a new job and coping with the new nursery for your little one. You are doing amazing. Shows how strong you are.

Keep speaking out with your supports (as you are doing) as much as you can with that horrible fear feeling. Maybe ring Women’s Aid and/or keep posting on here and keep reading the posts. This always helps me. I always felt better after speaking to someone from Women’s Aid. I always came off the phone feeling lighter and it seemed to bring my fear feelings down to a manageable size. That fear feeling will pass. But these fear feelings are really horrible to feel, and as you say exhausting, as it affects our sleep. I also found journaling about them seemed to help move them out of my system quicker. Hope you can manage to rest as much as you can, at the weekend.

[Author]

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