Going backwards

[Bettertimesahead]

Hi, just wanted to see if others feel similar. Been no contact over (detail removed by moderator). Very sudden end to a long marriage which I am coming to terms with was abusive, sexual, emotional and financial. He’s commited further offences since and currently on a suspended sentence. Divorce gone through but no financial agreement sorted. I am happier with out him yet why do I still find it difficult to accept he knew what he was doing. Have done freedom, had good support and on the surface I’m coping. But I still have times when it feels like maybe he was just mentally ill. He was alcoholic. I just want everything to feel right. My adult children have no contact and seem to have moved on but I feel stuck. It doesn’t help that I am in limbo with finances as will need to go to court.

[KIP.]

It’s extremely painful to accept we were abused by someone we loved and trusted. When we are with them our brain works hard to protect us from that awful pain and I think it takes a long time to come to terms with it. It also brings into question our own sense of judgement and such a breach of trust is devastating. We also normalise abuse so those feelings complicate things too. It took me a long time to fully accept the monster he was and still is.

[Bettertimesahead]

Thanks Kip. It’s such a roller coaster. I sometimes feel I’m just an observer watching what is going on.snd it’s not real. Due to start trauma counseling soon

[KIP.]

Just remember to be kind to yourself. Take it slowly.

[Eggshells]

Hi Bettertimesahead,

Hang on in there my lovely. It is a rollercoaster and there is a whole raft of conflicting emotions struggling for air time. You can go through everything from pure ecstacy to utter rock bottom, from love to anger, grief at the loss of your relationship to a sense of relief, certainty to doubt. It can be really hard to ride the waves and I think sometimes we just emotionally detach to prevent ourselves from becoming totally overwhelmed.

Your children may be burying their own emotions as a coping mechanism but equally they may have moved on. Either way, there is no expectation that you should do the same. You’ve invested decades of your life in this relationship. You’ve tried so hard to make it work. It takes time to untangle all of that.

You’ll need alot of support. Counselling is a good idea. Do you have any friends or family who are happy to support you? Sorting out the financial settlement will be tough, he won’t make it easy so don’t be afraid to lean on those who offer support.

Also visit your GP if you feel you need medication. If that’s not a route you want to go down, exercise is proven to be as effective as antidepressants. A daily 20 minute walk amongst nature has massive therapeutic value. There are also loads of more holistic treatments such as rescue remedies, mindful meditation etc that can really help.

You have a lot to get your head around so as KIP has already said, try to be kind to yourself. xx

[TiaMaria]

Hey bettertimesahead,
I think one of the reasons we want to excuse or justify the behaviour is because it feels like we have completely wasted our time and we still want that person to have loved us and invested in the relationship as much as we did. However unfortunately that is not the case and that is HARD to accept. You have to recognise that the relationship you THOUGHT you were having was never the relationship you were having. That takes time to process. And we try to change the narrative so it isn’t so painful.

By the way a lot of narcassists are alcoholics. And most people who are mentally ill who are not abusive. What I mean is – mentally ill or not – there is no excuse to be abusive.

[Author]

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