Going crazy

[Beautifulday]

Hi

I just wanted to ask if anyone has felt like this or experienced this when they are in an abusive relationship.

Before I met my H I was very laid back, easy going, loved social gatherings and had lots of lovely friends, I was single for a while and loved my life when I met my H is was completely by chance, I wasn’t looking for love and actually didn’t want a partner as I was happy being single. Anyway after around a decade of being with him I’ve just noticed I’ve changed so much.  I know its due to him and the relationship just wanted to know if anyone else felt like a shadow of their former selves.

I’ve noticed the past few years my patience levels are awful wheras before I’d be so laid back, I find I get annoyed whilst driving or snappy wheras before I didnt. I get upset over little things that shouldn’t really worry me. I find that I’ve gone very paranoid about what people think or worrying I’ve done said something wrong to people or in work.  When he says something not very nice or starts which usually he does in a calm speaking way which makes it even more confusing  I find myself getting annoyed sometimes and will scream back at him in cases where he walks off, or doesn’t listen . I think its just the frustration in me and I feel terrible that I’ve acted like this then I think its me with the problem.   He’ll often say have you calmed down yet? Or have you finished? Or he will im not being spoken to like that and he’ll walk off even though he’s the one who provokes me to get that way 🙁  often he will say things in a sing song voice, or will sing and smile whilst walking off from me  hell even walk off to another room and close the door in my face and stupidly ill be standing outside still trying to talk and he will sometimes remain silent or say the odd reply. It makes me then feel crazy like im the one with problems. 

I just wanted to know does anyone else feel like they are going mad? Going crazy? Its such a scary feeling and I think am I actually going out of my mind?  These men are just master manipulators 🙁

[KIP.]

Yes and what you describe is very typical. Have you seen the movie Gaslight? Google gaslighting. It’s crazy making behaviour. Being lied to, gaslighted, minimised, ignored, threatened, abused etc. I went from a successful happy adult to unable to work. Anxiety and depression diagnosis then PTSD. suicidal thoughts all the way. Many women take their own lives so don’t underestimate abuse. My world closed in on me. It became smaller and smaller and more and more scary. My confidence and self esteem disappeared yet he was thriving x

[Beautifulday]

@KIP
Its funny what you say about him thriving because when we met I had just started a new job, bought myself a new car was really confident and going places. He on the other hand couldn’t drive, was flitting between jobs I encouraged him to learn to drive helped him through it he passed, after marriage he bought (removed by moderator) without even telling me and when I questioned I was answered with its none of your business, meanwhile I could barely afford to eat. The car which was brand new a decade ago began to deteriorate so I was driving around in a death trap whilst he had a few brand new ones to choose from not caring if my car was road worthy or not 🙁 he enrolled onto courses and joined clubs which have taken over his life and im no longer a priorty whereas I’ve gone into a shell. So when you said that I can see thst with my life hes gone up and up and I’ve gone down and down.

[KIP.]

Absolutely. Abusers thrive while their victims dive. And don’t think there’s any loyalty there either. Have a look at n**********c abuse syndrome. We have to be careful not to label these men because ultimately they choose to abuse us but the effects you describe are very similar to being abused by someone who has very strong n**********c tendencies. They are parasites and suck the life and soul from us x

[Beautifulday]

@KIP Yes I’ve been reading a lot of stuff on n********t abuse and covert n**********c abuse, I think he’s a covert n********t as he’s not the type who love themselves but he tends to act meek and humble around others. He’s that mixed with a few other types but your right we can’t label them, they are all different there is no fixed type, they can be a mixture of different types isn’t it.

I didnt really notice I was diving as you say until recently when I thought how I’ve stayed in the same job since being with him, never really progressed even though I could have. I turned down jobs abroad when I met him as I fell head over heels in Love. I just regret not going and doing those jobs now 🙁
I recently traded in my death trap car and got a new little one , didn’t tell him I was doing it and I actually felt so strong doing so, whereas before I’d tell him everything what I was doing then I thought well he didnt tell me about his cars so why should I tell him. His face when he seen my new car! So I know im gradually gaining confidence and strength zx

[KIP.]

Yes a supportive partner would encourage us and take pride in our successes. An abuser stunts our growth and hates our success. They will sabotage our employment and friendships. Be careful because as your confidence grows he will up his abuse to try and regain control. That piece of disobedience on your part will cost you. You might not see it coming but he will punish you so be very careful. Also be careful about him running up debt to trap you in the relationship x

[Walkingonsunshine]

Yes! Exactly as you described. I was fun, out going, life and soul of the party, always the first in the dance floor, then suddenly I found myself just sitting, watching everyone else having fun, I became too conscious of what people would think, I found myself withdrawing from social activities but I had no idea why I felt like that.

Patience – I used to be soooo patient. What happened?

I only hope I can find the other girl and bring her back out one day.

[Beautifulday]

@walkingonsunshine

Its just scary how you morph into a totally different person without really knowing how or when irs wierd, its so gradual you never notice it until your right in the thick of it then its too late and you feel trapped.

I like you loved dancing! Always first on the floor always smiling happy carefree, I remember when I met my H we went out clubbing a few times with my friends but I always felt I couldn’t let myself go and dance because incase he’d say I was flirting or being too provocative etc which I wasn’t. I remember once a male friend in work told me that H had “poked” him a few times on Facebook, I said I didn’t know what he was on about, he said yes he had poked him and didn’t know why, when I asked him about it he flat out denied it but I know it was his way of telling my male friends “im watching” ..so creepy. I dread to think how many others he did this too. I deleted my original Facebook as he used to ask who the males were, friends I had made on holidays etc, called me a s**g for taking photos with a boy on holiday, when it was before I met him and this boy was just a good friend I met, lots of little things like that over the years:(

[Walkingonsunshine]

Yes it was exactly the same with me, I’d always gotten on so well with the lads, but he just used to watch me on a night out I was scared to dance or talk to anyone incase I behaved in the wrong way. It got to the point I hated going out with him because it would always end in an argument. I know he used to stalk me on Facebook, it’s the only reason he joined. He never posted anything but would watch over who liked my statuses, when I was active online then made me delete a load of male friends from it. I did as he asked thinking I was being respectful to him, I never even considered it to be controlling 😔

[gettingtired]

Hi Beautifulday, I can totally relate to losing my patience. Then I don’t know if I’ve just picked the impatience thing up from him or it’s the result of the stress from his outbursts 🤔 either way it’s not nice especially when I then snap at my family leading to more feelings of guilt ☹ x

[Beautifulday]

@gettingtired
Its horrible isn’t it because we know we are not this type of person. I think my friends and family have noticed the change in me, there was a situation the other day that in the past I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid, but I got so stressed out and worried, I nearly had a panic attack!

[Lotus20]

Hi and thank you for this.
I totally relate to this and I can say my self esteem and self confidence are all negative … because the way he treated me and they way I had to always watch myself to be as good as he would approve or please him .. and yes I became more irritable too and that’s because I have been so controlled and limited …

Please take care of yourself.

[iliketea]

Yes me too! Everything you’ve said. I wrote a post with a similar title in lockdown! The singing!! Oh yes! The talking to a slammed door…oh yes!!
If you’re ready I’d recommend going to your GP, and/or getting a referral to local domestic abuse support agency/Women’s Aid. I did and now I’m out. Hit a low last weekend due to legal things but on the whole 100% glad to have done it, zero regrets, spending whole evenings without any of that circular sh*te!!! It’s not going to be easy, I’ve had to get food from food bank lately, but there’s a lot of help out there, and most of all it’s freedom, the freedom that we all have a right to. Sending strength. Xx

[Beautifulday]

@iliketea

I contacted my local womens aid back in late June I think , the lady was lovely and we spoke for around an hour, recently we have been back in touch via email and she has reffered me for counselling as I’m severely trauma bonded and can’t seem to see how bad things are 🙁

I wanted to go to my gp but don’t really want to go on medication and I’m worried it will seem like time wasting as I dont really know what to say? Plus it makes it more difficult as I come from a very close knit area where everyone knows everyone. Last time I went to gp about something little I visited my gran and her friend had told her she’d seen me in the waiting room! And my gran was asking what was wrong! That’s how close knit it is!

You are an inspiration lovely, and brave for getting out! I know I want out, know I need out I just feel frozen to the spot its so hard to describe. Since June I’ve done a lot, contacted WA, spoke on the forum, read books, contacted solicitor and mortgage advisor was feeling so strong but its as if he senses a change in me? And the past week or so has been all nicey nice, not said anything out of line and although I know this is just false its making me feel guilty and sneaky.

Also as I have to live in the same house even if we divorce this is what scares me, I can’t bear the thought of the letter being sent to the house him getting home from work reading it then having to live with him throughtoy thr divorce 🙁 this scares me , it makes me feel anxious. I can’t go elsewhere as I can’t afford it and the house and bills are in my name even though we both own the home so if I left id still need contact with him to sort if he’s paying his half each month etc, to read meters, etc.

Its just so hard, I feel im on the very very brink of going I just can’t seem to do it, I can’t bring myself to say its over. I’ve broached the subject of not being happy and offered to buy him out which he refused and thought he’d take the hint of these discussions in that I want out but he doesn’t. I’ve never actually said outright I want a divorce as I’m scared of the reaction and just cant seem to do it how do I get the strength? I’m not eating or sleeping properly, my mind constantly races, i find I’ve become detached and quiet, im praying every night for help to give me the strength but it just doesn’t seem to come 🙁

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