Going forwards. Money problems.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I no longer live with my husband, having moved out (detail removed by Moderator) ago. However, since moving out he repeatedly sends me emails containing personal remarks about my behaviour and how I am always ‘complaining’ about him. He tells me he, “will not tolerate my behaviour” amongst other upsetting comments.

I read back over my emails to him and I cannot find where I have made any personal comments, or complained about him. Sometimes I think I’m missing something in what I write. I have even asked him to tell me where I am complaining but he never responds to me with an answer. I always try to be polite. I don’t make personal comments. I blocked him but found when I need to coordinate the children, he’d wouldn’t answer his phone. Then I had no choice but to email again.

I left him after many, many years of ‘low level’ emotional abuse. Mainly controlling and manipulative behaviour. I have spent (detail removed by Moderator) years having counselling, on and off.

Unfortunately, I left our house with (detail removed by Moderator) days to remove items. My friends helped me to transfer bulky items. I still have items at his house but cannot get them without him following me around which is intimidating. If I pick up something of mine he wants, he refuses to let me take it.

He bought me out of the majority of my share of the house (but not all of it). He said he couldn’t afford any more.

I tried to apply for legal aid to get a divorce, but the house I now own is worth (detail removed by Moderator). I have a small mortgage. His house is worth over (detail removed by Moderator) mine in a desirable part of the county. He had the (detail removed by Moderator) bed house, I could only afford a (detail removed by Moderator) bed house in a much cheaper location.

My (detail removed by Moderator) lives mainly with (detail removed by Moderator) Dad, my (detail removed by Moderator) lives with me and my (detail removed by Moderator) splits (detail removed by Moderator) time between us both. They have to use a (detail removed by Moderator) on the floor in my (detail removed by Moderator). I asked my husband for some money to buy a (detail removed by Moderator) bed, he refused.

I earn a (detail removed by Moderator) of what my husband does and I continually struggle to pay for everything. I paid £300 recently to see a solicitor and have been told I’ll need to pay around £3000 in legal fees to get a divorce and a financial settlement. I only have (detail removed by Moderator), in savings and I ‘dig’ into it every month. I’m not eligible for legal aid because I have my house.

I receive no money from my husband in terms of spousal maintenance or money to support my (detail removed by Moderator). My husband gets the Child Benefit for my (detail removed by Moderator) and I get my (detail removed by Moderator) Child Benefit.

I am getting more and more in debt. All this because I wanted to leave an emotionally abusive marriage. Still I get the emails from him and question if it was me.

I’m not sure what else I can do and I’m exhausted from it all. My (detail removed by Moderator) recently refused to attend school for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks but I’ve been the one sorting it all out with the school and getting him an appointment with a doctor. My husband has refused to communicate amicably with me since (detail removed by Moderator) last year. I send emails asking for information related to our children and receive emails about ‘my behaviour’ or supposed money I ‘owe’ instead. He never stops.

I am not sure what to do? I’m worried I could lose my home.

[Lisa]

Hi Broadbodiedchaser,

I’m so sorry he’s continuing to be abusive and controlling after you’ve left. It can be a really difficult time as abusers will try whatever they can think of to carry on their unacceptable behaviour. If you’re not already, you could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

It can be challenging when you fall between being eligible for legal aid and being able to easily afford a solicitor. You could get in touch with Citizens Advice, they often have lists of local solicitors and may be able suggest someone who suits your situation. They may also be able to advise on your other concerns around finances. Turn2Us have good resources around benefits or grants that you might be eligible for.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[StrongLife]

I’m in similar situation. Sorry to hear all of this. I too can no longer involve lawyers etc. it is to complicated. Costly etc.

I have gone to zero contact after yrs of abuse. Once I did that it stopped all his abusive contact which was just escalating. My kids were older. It has saved my sanity. I had tried all other avenues for some form of coparent arrangement, courts, read books and sought financial and personal domestic violence counselling. I found going out and doing things towards a happy life helped. Took my mind off all this garbage.

The co parenting was not achievable in this case as it lead to more controlling/ abusive behaviour.

That email stuff is just ridiculous. Similar stuff happened to me – him taking things out of context etc.

I am glad you are going to counseling and found this site.

I’m now dealing with similar financial closure matters / divorce. It’s bad. I’ve stopped on occasions for stress.

Please be kind to yourself and do things to take your mind off situation.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you for your comments. I saw my counsellor this week and realised alot of the time I just need someone to reassure me I’m not being rude to him or going crazy. I guess it’s gaslighting of sorts. It gets exhausting.

Yes, I think the coparenting will be hard. We have to split the children due to space. Not ideal. Did you attempt mediation together? I’m thinking of asking for meetings – each of us on our own.

I’m going on a small holiday tomorrow so going to try to do lots of relaxing things and recharge.

Wish you all the best. I guess we’ve both done well to get this far!

[Author]

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