15th December 2015 at 2:48 pm #6203TamraParticipant
only been gone a very short time [detail removed by moderator] – my heart is breaking today can’t seem to stop crying. I gave flash backs but of all the nice stuff, holding, doing stuff, laughing, messing about, love making etc.
In a mad sense I want the bad stuff to be at the forefront of my feelings and mind to help me move one. He was an emotional and mental abuser with little physical so I think ‘it wasn’t that bad, I could have fixed it like He wanted but I think I was tired after xx amount of years. Why did he cheat so many times wasn’t I good enough? I gave him everything from my body to my soul. I know I’m grieving but god it’s painful especially as he has moved on and lots of fun with her who seems to won’t to rub my nose in it or she’s just getting on with her ‘lovely’ bloke. But please stop I don’t think they both realise the pain they are causing and yes of course I’m sure he wants me to feel pain but I have know idea why he was the one that went off again and asked me to go again, he always told me leave when we had a disagreement bearing in mind this was only when I had an opinion as he always said if only you let me… In other words get his own way. Sometimes I can’t work out if I left or if he got rid of me. The stuff he did before I left still confuse me – going though my I underwear, my other stuff, sitting in my bed when I wasn’t there, being noisy, staying out, shutting and opening his bedroom door etc etc I know this was for attention but why he had a new woman? Cud he cud? Control? For what reason?
I don’t ever wish ill on anyone but I want him to fall an feel half of what I’m going though.
I want someone to take my pain away as I don’t think I can do it anymore
I hope this makes sense cuz writing though my tears
15th December 2015 at 9:21 pm #6218Twisted SisterParticipant
oh so sad you are feeling so much pain just now, all these tears that are flowing will help you move past the pain, i know it doesn’t feel like it, and there’s probably many more to come til all the pain of it all it out. the tears will wash away the pain, eventually, and you will stop crying.
It doesn’t changed whats happened between you, just because he has now started on someone else. No matter what he did afterwards, it doesn’t change whats gone before and who he is, and poor her, she doesn’t even know yet whats to come 🙁
do keep reminding yourself as much as you can of all the awful times he put you through, because these are the many reasons that you couldn’t carry on any more. To know, its just not worth it, and its definitely not love to treat someone this way, its a contradiction. You loved him despite the pain he caused you.
they work in a cycle of love hate love hate love hate love hate, so its not love, its all just hate, as the ‘love’ is only to stop you leaving or to pretend he wasn’t as awful as he really was. This is what i have come to believe. The freedom programme call it the ‘cycle of abuse’ swinging from one to another. Its important to your separation and recovery to have these realisations of who he really is. It helped me loads even though i’m still struggling to believe it all.
warmest wishes and keep posting, we’re all here for you xx ks
16th December 2015 at 9:49 am #6222TamraParticipant
Thank you KS
It’s just awful this pain and grieving it may be but i need to move on, he clearly has. She’s not very nice anyway I have heard lots of stories about her and from want she does it’s kinda true. I’m not sure what he was thinking but hey ho you can’t help who you fall for even though I know his is about sex.
The love hate but you are so right but my ex’s would be sex hate sex hate and so on as that’s his favourite thing in all the world – he told me that.
I think he may have done an awful thing and sent an ex of mine either pics or letter or something just to get back at me. I will find out in the next few days as I’m waiting for a friend to come with me to find out if he has I will go to the police and this time I don’t think I will card if he loses his job as I have protected him before
Thank you again
16th December 2015 at 7:38 pm #6257Twisted SisterParticipant
thats really brave Tamra.. go you! what a low-life if he does this, but sadly its not unusual, quite common i think but so humiliating, you are so brave xxKS
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