Going round in circles

[Playfrombeginning]

Hi all – so tired of this. Feel the last (detail removed by moderator) years have been going round in circles. Have they just changed their behaviour this last 6 months because of how I was in the past? I feel immense guilt for not being loving enough, times I would look at my partner and just think I don’t love them or even like them what is wrong with me? They are so beautiful and my memories in the past although they have the outbursts right from the start – I was overwhelmed with how loving and devoted they were – I feel like they’ve always been more loving affectionate etc than I have and it makes me feel regret and sadness like I’ve caused this.
My therapist recently pointed out they think I’m in an abusive relationship. And now I Am seeing some of the patterns and more aware, but are they like this now due to how unappreciative and unloving I had been in the past?
I wish I could remember more.
The week before Christmas they had an outburst throwing things at me shouting abuse and putting me down now they are back to being so kind generous and loving. It confuses me so much… But I’m learning the cycle yet refuse to accept it, 2 weeks ago I was strong ready to leave now I’m feeling weak and feelings coming back they are drawing me back in and I want to believe it’s because they love me now I’m learning it’s all part of the abuse. Or is this in my head?

[tiredofitall]

I remember so clearly the cycle of emotions. I also am not a very tactile person and he was more so so it did feel initially that he loved me more. He was intense with his commitment to me, rushing us to love together to always want to be with me. And i sometimes felt suffocated by that but also amazed that someone would love me so much . Of course, now I think it was a tactic (conscious or otherwise I’m not sure) to get me under his spell and on his side. For all the years we have been together he made me feel that I was lacking in showing him love. The times I’ve agonised over what was wrong with me that I didn’t feel comfortable doing what he wanted me too, showing him love in the way that he wanted me to. Now, I think that I actually didn’t feel safe to be vulnerable in that way with him because I am a loving person and I feel it deeply and he hurt me with the way he treated me. And he kept doing it so I trusted him less. But spent so many hours trying to analyse why he behaved the way he did and there are reasons – they way he was brought up and the bad luck he had in life. But then I also thought about other people who have suffered much worse and they dont treat their loved ones like that. In the end, I had to accept that it was a choice he made. That he was ok with treating me like that, he wasn’t bothered if he made me cry or scared me. In fact, he seemed to like it. And really, it became obvious that the only persons feelings he really cared about were his own. Once you start seeing the patterns its hard to unsee it. Its not wrong to not feel able to open up when they hurt us so much. And they treat us well sometimes so that we stay – its confusing and we want to believe the good always. Keep posting x

[minimeerkat]

tiredofitall something in your response made me recall reading how when we lose any desire or feel uncomfortable being affectionate with our partners, its because the body knows its not safe long before you actually do yourself
so you were right x

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