Going through a dark patch

[Eyesopennow]

Hi, this is the first time ever posting on here. I’m not sure what I expect to get out of this, maybe just to vent?
I was with my ex partner for many years, ending a couple of years ago. Looking back now, I can see that even before we were together, things weren’t ‘normal’. The amount of times where fictional situations/ conversations/ offences I’d committed were thrown at me, leading me to literally be beggin on the floor for forgiveness for being such a horrible person… but I was smitten, and I’d have done anything for him. After we got together, and quickly moving in with each other things got a lot worse. I have never felt so worthless and less of a human being. He would belittle me, insult me, say things like how he’s never been so disgusted and unattracted to someone, and 5 minutes later would get so angry about me not being ‘in to’ having sex, like he felt like a rapist because I obviously ‘hated him so much’, which made me feel awful that I’d caused him to feel that much hurt. There were so many lies I still don’t know the whole truth about it all. Fake jobs, fake illnesses and accidents to stop me from leaving, fake attempted suicide attempts, real debts and threats, eventually physical violence which I just cannot think about it all still.
I don’t know why, but the thing that made me snap and made me realise I needed to get out wasn’t the abusive behaviour, it was finding out that he was cheating. It was almost as if I could put up with his behaviour as at least he was loyal, but knowing that he was messing around with other women, and knowing that other people knew about it was just too excruciating.
After id ended things, it got very intense. He broke into my home in the early hours, where I had a knife held to me and forced to sleep in the same bed as him before I had to go to work in the morning like nothing had happened, and obviously I wasn’t allowed to end the relationship so it went on a while longer.
Anyway, I received a letter addressed to him this week from a debt collection agency, and I guess it’s just brought it all back. I thought that I would never have to see or hear his name again. Seeing that letter for him made my stomach actually drop. I felt so sick and just wanted to cry, have done ever since. Does this get any easier?? I feel like I can have good weeks, maybe even a month, and then something like happens, or I see someone who looks like him, or even someone has the same mannerisms and it feels like I’m back in the middle of it all. I’m so sorry for the long post, and I don’t expect anyone to respond, just felt like I needed to tell someone. I hate speaking about this in real life, as I don’t know anyone else who’s gone through something similar, and I know there’s judgement, or they just don’t want to hear about it

[Anonymous]

I’ve had the same. Had several letters from a debt collector. I’ve told them he hasn’t lived here for months, but they say it’s still his registered address (?), so they’ll keep writing. Eventually, I guess, the bailiffs will turn up. Also wasting their time.

It is really upsetting, but when he lived here, I dreaded every knock on the door. It was always debt collectors or neighbours complaining about the noise or the huge bonfires he used to light all summer. Nowadays, it’s the odd stressful moment. When people knock, it’s usually a friend I couldnt invite over when he was here or a delivery person delivering something I couldn’t have afforded while he was here. You’ve come so far. What you feel is perfectly natural, but he doesn’t control you anymore x

[Lisa]

Hi Eyesopennow,

I just wanted to show you some support and welcome you to the Forum. What you’re feeling is completely normal. You’ve been through something really traumatic and the healing process can take time. When you initially separate from the abuse you might feel a sense of elation and freedom, and you might try and block out things which are too traumatic to deal with/ process. By the sounds of it things (such as seeing his name on the letter) might be triggering you, and you might start to see other things resurface; some women experience nightmares, panic attacks, overwhelming anxiety. Like I said this is completely normal considering what you’ve been through.

It might be worth seeking some counselling to work through some of these feelings if you feel like you can/ it would help. Lots of local domestic abuse services offer counselling specific to domestic abuse so it might be a good place to start: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

You could also speak to your GP who might be able to refer you for some counselling locally.

I’m glad you’re posting; please keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[HopeLifeJoy]

Welcome Eyesopennow
Yes I think trauma works in mysterious ways, a little bit like a time bomb, I started to have nightmares only two years later, and my panic attacks resurfaced as well, everything felt apart and at the same I found this forum so it finally made sense as well and got the validation I needed to start recovering from stormy times.
Take it slow, let out what needs to be let out and know that you aren’t alone feeling as you do.
Also here is a little bit of humour for you; one survivor on here had received letters addressed to her ex as well, she had enough humour to return them by writing on them something like; ‘this cheating lying drunken individual doesn’t live at this address anymore’. Lol ☺️
Also you might want to contact citizen advice (I think?) about what to do in order not to have him registered anymore at your address.

[Cecile]

You can tell Royal Mail, can’t remember the name of the department but have a look at their website or ring them. It’s pretty straightforward.
I get ‘triggered’ by males who are coming towards me quickly. He used to hurt me by “accidentally” barging into me and using elbows and feet to punch me on tender nerve points. Excruciatingly painful, really sneaky. It took me a long time to make the connection. It just dawned on me after my third melt down in a swimming pool when a young bloke swam into me and I went doolally. It was so embarrassing but the pool staff were very nice. Poor guy was just bewildered.

It was a light bulb moment when I realised why I found this so threatening to the point I became hysterical very quickly. I manage it now by just going in the water when it’s quiet. But I thought I was numb, clearly not, it’s all like a little volcano in there!

[Author]

Posts