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I felt really positive after calling IDAS. I asked them about the marriage counselling and they said to go, but be very cautious so I did, but I was so nervous after what I read on here. Partner had been really calm for a few days and I wasnt sure how he would be.
In the session he was pretty open to be fair, but blamed (removed by moderator) for what he does and says. The counsellor was very clear and turned to me saying when ‘partner’ does these things, tell me what he does. I didn’t go into details because I wasn’t comfortable doing that.
Counsellor said partner had to sort out his mental health first, then look back at marriage counselling, but he wants to see me on my own.Ever since, partner has been in a b****y awful mood, he says the counselling is a waste of time, (removed by moderator).
Hes told me hes bored and lonely
I’m out of the house today and I am so scared about what I am going back to -
Oh Oaktree I really feel for you. My guess is that his awful mood is because he expected the counsellor to side with him. I had a similar experience and got a load of abuse about what I said to the counsellor – basically he thought anything from my perspective was lying or manipulating. The counsellor also asked to see me separately and explained that counselling won’t work if the other person just blames their partner for everything.
If you haven’t already, read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It might help you make sense of his reaction to the counselling. He feels entitled to have all his needs met by you ahead of any of your needs and this feeling/belief is so solid that the counsellor not taking his side appears to be total madness to him. Has he ever made any comments about the counselling being to fix you or help you help him?
Well done for going in with your eyes open. His behaviour is more manipulation. Only he can chnage himself and what happened in the counselling is no fault of yours. You did it in good faith but I don’t think he did (although he may not realise that because he thinks everyone should share his viewpoint). Xxxx
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The counselling, and all other channels, have all been about me being able to help him, I need to understand his physical illness better, I need to understand his mental illness better – because if I do then I will let him off, I will put up with it, because I will realise its not his fault.
Ive not read that book, but I have seen it mentioned a few times, to I am going to see if I can get a copy.
It is strange to see him send the email to the counsellor complaining, usually everything is directed at me, or random anonymous people like shop staff.
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From what I’ve read this is so very typical of abusers. I’m reading How he gets into her head by Don Hennessy at the moment and he regularly mentions the abusive husbands sending complaints in after their session with him. (He will only see the couple individually). They don’t like it when they realise he’s onto them. It sounds like your husband didn’t like it when the counsellor didn’t buy into his inner demon nonsense.
I hate that feeling of not knowing what I’m going back to so I really sympathise with you.
I’m not sure if you know yet whether you want to leave him or not but if you do, I’d advise to just play along for now. Agree with him if that means saving an argument/grief for you. And work on your plan of leaving. But everyone here will support you regardless of what you choose to do. It’s not easy and I’m realising it’s going to take me time to leave him xx -
You can find the book free online.
I think his behavioir is directed at whoever failed to meet the need that he thought he was entitled to. Normally that will be you but I guess the counsellor didn’t buy into you being responsible for your partner’s needs and that and that is unthinkable to him.
I think you’re absolutely right that he’s trying to use the counselling to dump everything on you. My husband truly believes all the problems are my fault. Counselling hasn’t changed that at all. He twists anything he hears to support his view. I don’t know if it’s possible that he’ll ever change but I’ve finally decided that the cost of waiting is not worth it
Stay strong xxxx
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