Good days and bad days

[I-Survived]

Sometimes i honestly feel like a yo-yo. Someday I will be doing amazing and then suddenly it comes to a stop.
I feel so helpless at times and i just want it all to stop. I always think back to everything that happened and still wonder why me? is that selfish? Sometimes i think alot like that, like why did he pick me? Did he notice i was quiet and shy and just wanted to take advantage because of that?
I’m overthinking and i’m aware of that, but sometimes i just want to know why? i know i’ll never be able to understand but i wish i could. I don’t get how abusers think that’s okay to comepletly break someone.
Sometimes i do feel sorry for myself and i know i shouldn’t its not like i knew the whole outcome but i do feel stupid for putting up with it for as long as i did. And i don’t think i’ll ever be able to forgive myself for not leaving ( easier said than done i know).
I always try to remind myself i survived and i’m here to tell my story as much as i can but i don’t know really anymore. I feel like this is a very pointless post but just needed to let it out somehow.

[Bananaboat]

It’s not pointless at all. Letting things out helps stop them ruminating inside. I’m several months out now but not a single day goes by when I don’t think about him / us / events that happened / things he said etc etc. It’s like my poor little brain is reanalysing everything and it’s a rollercoaster of emotions on top of that too. I feel like I’ve lost all those years unfairly and all the milestones others get to enjoy in life have been missed. I think why me & how did I let it happen. I also think how/why is he an abuser, but it’s a rabbit hole we’ll never quite answer. Overtime it does seem to be easing and I’m getting better at catching myself overthinking and trying to stop but there’s definitely good and bad days. Hang in there, you’re amazing xx

[I-Survived]

Thank you for the reply 🙂
i’m glad i ain’t the only person in the same situation it does feel like i’m going up and down alot and i would love to get some closure and i know that wont happen. I do get your part of missing alot of milestones i missed alot of good years because of my abuser and ill never get them back. I have more good days than bad days right now but a situation is coming up soon and i have a feeling I’m going to lose all control again.
I will try and hang in as much as i can, i hope i can do it 🙂

[Author]

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