Good times or is it?

[nbumblebee]

Ive been waiting and debating whether to post this but the question is eating away at me and driving me bonkers so I am gonna ask yet again for your advise.
Its been so quiet here this past month we are having other life worries supporting friends (detail removed by moderator) nothing serious but still a little worrying life is just hard right now, sad and my husband has been very i cant say supportive but quiet, kind even no pushing me for sex no moaning no nastyness no picking fault its just calm. We have had calm times b4 but this one seems to have lasted a while it confuses me so much its almost like new year new him. He is very loving and almost needy but yhe problem now is me, I cant bring myself to love him back to give him hugs, love I dont want him near me it makes me skin crawl which makes me feel like such a b***h he is trying so hard when ive given up. Ive always fought so hard to stay in this marriage ive always been determined to make it work and i know even now i wont leave him but I cant understand why I cant now try and be happy try and re gain that love we once had he is trying so hard im just sitting here waiting for him to turn and he hasnt. Its weird so very weird. Im not sure what on earth is going on in my head can anyone help?
Has anyone else had long periods of niceness?
Could he really have changed?
Should I be trying harder?
Or is this just the calm to rein me back in as i was doing so so well before but how would he know that??
Many Thanks xxxx

[Lifebegins]

Hi nbumblebee

Unfortunately my experience is that they don’t change.

The cycle of abuse for me was over quite a long period so we could go a fairly long time after an abusive period where it was ‘nice’.

The ‘nice’ time before I finally left was probably one of the longest and happiest of our relationship. I really felt we’d turned a corner and he’d changed and mellowed and we could really be happy. But it didn’t last. True to type, the abuse began again and it was probably the worst and most prolonged abuse of our relationship. For every minute of ‘niceness’ he’d shown me, he more than made up for it with nastiness. I was very scared by the end and left the day after my first post on this forum. Not much of a plan in place but got a lot of support from the ladies on this forum and external agencies and I’ve made it through. Best thing I ever did was leaving.

Don’t second guess yourself. You’ve been in the relationship a long time, like I was. You know what he’s really like. And someone said it on here not long ago, that they’d never once read in here about an abuser that had changed. Neither have I.

Also, I do believe they have a sixth sense of some sort about our intentions. After the 2nd to last cycle of abuse, I finally realised I was being abused and this was when, like you are now, I started to read up and educate myself about DA. Unfortunately I didn’t find this forum until much later. But what I did say to myself was that if it happened again then that was it, I was leaving. What followed was the lovely long nice period (in hindsight it was like he knew I’d decided to leave so was on best behaviour) and then my guard dropped and I forgot about leaving. Then bam, when I was all happy and least expecting it, the abuse came back bigger and much worse than before. I felt really broken by the time I left and I’d hate to think what my life would be now if I hadn’t left. So my advice is don’t drop your guard. I may be proven wrong but sadly I doubt it xx

[Lifebegins]

Hope all ok with (detail removed by moderator) xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you (detail removed by moderator)
Thanks for the reply I am worried that this is the calm before the storm, things got so nasty before christmas the worst it has ever been which is why this calm time is such a shock.
I have a very bad feeling you may be right.x

[Hawthorn]

Well done for posting nbumblebee, the periods of calm are so confusing, but a classic part of the cycle of abuse. They can last any length of time, from mere hours to months or longer.

Once you have seen the cycle of abuse spinning in your relationship it can’t be unseen. Please don’t blame yourself or feel bad for how you’re feeling. You feel how you feel. He has treated you awfully on countless occasions, over many many years. It only natural to not forget that simply because he is currently behaving himself. He has always known how to treat you properly, and chosen to be otherwise. You have wanted to love and support him, to have a happy marriage, and he has used that desire against you, treating you terribly, safe in the knowledge you would put up with it.

Make no mistake he has noticed the change in you. You are his project. He knows what makes you tick and exactly how to manipulate your feelings and behaviour; though it’s new to you to see it in action he has been doing it for years. He is hoovering you back into the abuse.

Stay strong lovely one and keep posting.
Sending a big hug xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you ive never had such a long nice cycle its so weird Thank you for your words I really appreciate it, i think I know you are right x

[Bananaboat]

You gave me some good advice the other day when I was having a wobble, also because he’s been nicer lately. Read back on your own posts, trust your gut, as much as you’d love him to be a new year/new man it’s highly unlikely and more likely to be just the cycle of abuse. Just the other day you posted about sitting in your car after the gym because you didn’t want him to know – has he really changed that much that he’s ok with you going to work, the gym and seeing friends?

I can totally relate to the not wanting to be nice or physically interact with him, I feel the same and I think it’s because the trust has gone. You now understand abuse more and don’t excuse his behaviour so much, I look at mine and think how can you do this/that, or not do this/that because you know it’s more of a conscious decision on their part. We’ve also been conditioned to think that being in a room and not being called nasty names or told horrible things is them being nice but actually that’s what the general public have as a given. Your instincts are trying to protect you and you’re wary of what’s coming next due to experience. Enjoy the calm, I hope your tests go ok and you’re well, but above anything else stay safe.

[nbumblebee]

@bananaboat no you are right I still have to lie to pretend cause im scared of his reaction. Ive not worked for weeks due to me having covid now my kid ive been home each and every day maybe thats it thats why he is nice he has me home?
Back to work (detail removed by moderator) lets see what happens then.
Thank you for helping me see a little clearer x

[Teaandcats]

We’ve also been conditioned to think that being in a room and not being called nasty names or told horrible things is them being nice but actually that’s what the general public have as a given.

I had a lightbulb moment when I read this.

[orangefrog]

@Teaandcats me too!

[nbumblebee]

@teaandcats When i read your post i had a think.
Today he told me i looked too skinny and looked like a haggered old lady.
Work asked me to be in charge (detail removed by Moderator) i was really pleased he said how silly it was that i loved being made to feel important with a nasty snide look on his face instead of being proud of me he said i have got to quit.
That I believe is a good day hes being nice.
After reading what you wrote im not so sure. X

[gettingtired]

I think you know the answer deep down inside you; he hasn’t changed and it’s just a cycle that goes round and round.
You’re speaking badly to yourself by saying you should try harder. Years of abuse don’t suddenly all get forgotten because of a few weeks of no abuse. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, it’s silly of me really because I feel exactly the same as you right now but you can always see someone else’s situation much more clearly can’t you? I don’t even want to hold hands with mine anymore and I do feel bad for that.
I think we all know the answers deep down (our gut instinct) but it’s just so difficult to fully accept, hence why we justify and minimise so often.
Something I’ve noticed I do (and I think a lot of other forum members do/have done) is settle for the very bare minimum. I’ll feel grateful that he’s done something which is probably really quite basic in a ‘normal’ relationship. Like grateful he’s not giving me the silent treatment, grateful he asked if I needed anything from the shop, grateful he didn’t go to bed in a mood with me etc.
I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m lecturing you in any way, I just think you need to be kinder in the way you speak to yourself. You’re a really caring person to others so please try to be kind to yourself. Remember, it’s not your fault and you deserve to be happy. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to take control of your life (remember the affirmations 🥰) xxxx

[nbumblebee]

@gettingtired as always your support is very much appreciated. Thank you so much xxxxxx

[Teaandcats]

Something I’ve noticed I do (and I think a lot of other forum members do/have done) is settle for the very bare minimum. I’ll feel grateful that he’s done something which is probably really quite basic in a ‘normal’ relationship. Like grateful he’s not giving me the silent treatment

Another lightbulb moment here. Whenever I have a wobble and get stuck in the ‘Good times’ the same memory comes to me; I was really unwell and he ‘let me’ have a nap in the day while he ‘babysat’ (his own children) by putting on a film.
Until right now, this memory was proof of his love… but isn’t it normal for someone who’s really poorly to be able to look after themselves for an hour or two without being yelled at for being lazy, a bad parent, it not being that bad and he’s had it worse before. It’s not like he did me a huge favor here, really, but letting the TV be a parent for 2 hours. F**k.
I feel quite angry.

[nbumblebee]

Again @teaandcats youve made me think.
I had covid and even though i still cooked cleaned made his tea etc i felt so so rough he went out and brought me a coffee back. I thought this was so special now reading your comment i think a little different. Thank you xx

[Gerbil]

Nbumblebee I really hope (detail removed by moderator) have gone ok.
I am also in a very similar place to you and Banana boat and do understand how you are feeling. It is like waiting for a train to come ..you know the abuse is going to come maybe just not when. This is such an unsettling feeling. I agree with everyone else it is so important to trust your gut feelings and that coupled with your understanding of abuse, will make you more aware.
Take care honey x

[Ariadne]

Hi, nbumblebee

I understand the confusion you’re feeling. You just wish so much that this person could just realise that this is a lot better than the tension and abuse! That they could be like that all the time… I hope that you are doing well, and no matter what happens, it is completely ok for you to feel the way you’re feeling. Sometimes you just can’t look at someone the same after they’ve hurt you.

Take care <3

[nbumblebee]

@ariadne yes yes this is it 💜 i wish he could see how better it is when he isnt being a nasty arse. Thank you x

[Eggshells]

Hi nbumblebee,

The ladies are right. I think you know the answer deep down but I know that in these calm periods, hope that life can be ok can really surge.

This is just the reconciliation part of the cycle. It feels different because you are different and he senses that. You don’t want to hug him. If he does guilt trip you into a hug, he’ll feel your muscles tighten, your lack of embrace and complete distaste. He senses he’s loosing you so he’s trying even harder to keep you.

When you relax and let your guard down, the abuse will creep back in.

Once you have lost your love for him and your trust of him, you won’t get them back.

To live in a loveless, distrustful marriage is hard. You are not being unkind when you shun him. You are being true to yourself. You are a survivor. xx

[nbumblebee]

What i dont get is why, how.
How can they be so nice for so long then all of a sudden turn again hurt us again why?
I know we arent supposed to question why we should just understand the cycle but I cant I dont get how and why.
But i know you are all right i guess I have that knot in my stomach waiting for him to turn knowing its gonna happen just not knowing when.
I will stand firm ladies i will xxxxx

[Teaandcats]

I wonder this all the time too. (Edit: how they can be nice)
The only thing I can think of, is to compare the abuser to depression. A person who’s depressed might be suicidal and not able to get out of bed for one week, and the next week be able to do the day-to-day normal things. The changes doesn’t mean that they’re not depressed any more, it just means the depression is manifesting in a different way…

[Lottieblue]

Hi my love,
Let’s just hypothesise that he has indeed changed. He is, for now and forever more, going to be nice…

Well… it’s too late. The damage is done. He has hurt you beyond repair. I’m sure it was someone on here who used the image of a wall, and of his behaviour chipping away at the wall (which is your marriage). I actually like to think of a wrecking ball, swinging and swinging and swinging. At first it’s bits of dust, barely perceptible, that are dislodged, and gradually the whole thing starts to crumble and eventually it just collapses. Gone.

I got to the stage where I didn’t want to open my mouth because I was scared of the response. I was always on my guard in case the not-nice person reappeared.

He had done that. Didn’t matter how nice he was, I didn’t trust him with my emotions any more.

Use this time wisely to build your strength and make your preparations. Use the calm to think straight.

Thinking of you. PM me if you want to x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thanks for your reply yeah i guess you are right its hard not to see that nasty man even when hes nice im constantly on edge always stressed waiting for a blow up watching so carefully what i say all the time, maybe hes not being nice maybe im just getting good at hiding at not saying a word. Xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you again for all your replies they mean the world.
I wanted to say ive had my results back already and all was clear thankfully which means that its most likely my symptoms are stress related, this is now making me physically poorly now which is rather scarey to be honest. My counsellor once warned me that living in a heightened state of stress will put pressure on you physically I need to find a way to calm myself down.
Thank you yet again ladies your words helped so much, you are all right and I know you are I was just wishing, hoping he had changed I will try an duse this peaceful time to calm down and try and learn some confidence and self love skills so when he does start again I will be stronger to cope. Thank you so much xxxx

[Bestrong2]

This post has helped me so much today. Nbumblebee thank you for posting and to all the ladies who commented big thanks. ❤ xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi nbumblebee,

Glad your results are clear and nothing sinister. Have you read a book called The Body Keeps The Score? It tells how what goes on in our life affects our health, often without us knowing.

The fact that your husband is on ‘the good behaviour’ part of the cycle is nice for you at the moment, but I think you have already realised and acknowledged that this is not going to last. I like how you are using this peaceful time to gain confidence so you can deal with it better when the cycle turns again.

This part of the cycle fits in with the ‘Alternate Punishment With Reward’ category of the coercive controller, and he is currently ‘rewarding’ you with his good behaviour. This is to lull you in to that false sense of security of feeling happy, fulfilled, content, relaxed, so that when he turns to the ‘punishment’ mode again he is hoping to break you to a point lower than you were before. When ladies do not understand the cycle of abuse and the behaviours of the coercive controller then this constant ‘making and breaking’ of someone certainly works and does destroy a person. That constant rollercoaster of feeling happy and content to feeling distraught and worthless without even knowing why is designed to break people. It adds to the victim’s confusion of not knowing how to behave in any situation because they stop knowing how to, they stop trying, they just do as they are told. It’s how the abuser gains control and domination over the victim.

When it happens, please don’t let it upset you and take you back to a darker place. Understand it is coming, know it is coming. There is nothing you can do to STOP it coming, but you are now getting educated on how the cycle of abuse works so that you can start to understand what will happen next. By NOT reacting to his ‘punishment’ when it comes will puzzle him because your none reaction will be new to him. He will start to see that his tactics are failing so he will change them in order to control and dominate. This is when things get more dangerous for ladies because the abuser starts to see that he is losing control over them. To keep yourself safe, perhaps you can ‘play the part’ (we are all great actresses because we have been able to cover up the abuse to the outside world for a long time) of how he expects you to ‘break’ or ‘submit’ to him again, whilst deep inside you are strong and educated and can start to see exactly what is going on.

I know you are choosing to stay with him at the moment, and as long as you can protect yourself from serious physical harm that is fine, but please don’t underestimate the impact on your psychological health too. Perhaps after some more months or years of understanding how an abuser works and being able to predict how he works and what your life will be like you will be able to form a plan to separate from him. You may decide to wait until your youngest child leaves home, but that still gives you lots of years ahead of an abuse free life at some point in the future. The more we educate ourselves and learn about something the easier it is to tackle something and deal with it.

You really are progressing you know, you may not see it yourself but we can 🙂

xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you @wantstohelp you always know what to say just at the right time.
I know he will be back to his nasty self soon i see some signs now he called me a s**t last night as i said no to sex and this morning he is finding me jobs to do for him as he knkws i am back at work. Its on its way. I am gutted really dissapointed I was hoping he really had changed but I think I knew deep down.
You are right I am choosing to stay but its so hard but then i guess there is no easy option in all this we just gotta try and make ourselves strong enough which is what I am trying to do.
Thank you again xxxxx

[Gerbil]

So glad your results are good.
Stress does take an awful physical strain on the body.
Take care xx

[Author]

Posts