Got him out, not in limbo and scared

[brandnewme]

Hi, this is my first post for 18 months.
I got him out then but stupidly let him back as he made all the promises and i got sucked back in.
After the honeymoon period and him following through with the promises, things went back to “normal”
He had said he would join AA, give up drinking (which he has done) work regularly, stop verbally and psychologically abusing me, never threaten me, stop accusing me of cheating, nurture and develop our relationship and get help with his mental health.
i originally let him back under the proviso that he made our (detail removed by moderator) his living space and that gradually we would work towards him “living” with us again.
I maintained this boundary and he seemed to “get it”
He moved back in after a few months and slowly and subtly, i kept trying to reinstate the boundaries and draw him back to our agreement and he would make small changes that would then slip back, again very subtly.
i began working full time, we have 3 dependent kids and two at university and as he was in “recovery” i was aware that i needed to make sure i could support us as he had messed uphis diary and bookings(he is a (detail removed by moderator) and did not have a steady flow of work and i thought this would give him breathing space to work on himself and not have to have that pressure.
i recently began al anon support group and this helped me greatly realise all of the energy and
time his issues and abuse was consumed me.
I (detail removed by moderator) had police round as he has told them that I PUSHED HIM OUT HOUSE!
i cant beleive it
trying to get a court order to not allow him back her but worried now i wont get it and the phone lines are busy !
There is loads i have not added , as yo all know there is to much to type!
THanks for reading and wishing you al the best
so so so stressed and worried for me and my kids

[diymum@1]

have you kept a diary of the abuse? and have you let the gp know about your situation. its best to get it all logged now. when i went though this the solicitor asked if my eldest (adult) daughter would give evidence. this was a hard spot to be put and in the end she refused, mainly due to fear of him. according to the lawyer this would have sealed the deal. xx get your proof in place and your witnesses if you can, it all counts as opposed to his hear say xx luv diy mum

[brandnewme]

Thanks for replying diymum.
I am so stressed , i cant eat or sleep.
Womens aid called back and have advised for me to call dv assist who said they will proceed with my case , now hoping i do not earn to much and legal aid will pay?
He is prowling round the village we live in , offloading his hard luck story (his warped version) to anyone who will listen, i feel pretty embarrassed but it is a small price to pay.
My adult daughters are right behind me and have said they will support me as you know, the kids know what they are really like!
I understand why your daughter was scared of him though 🙁
i have various police logs over the yrs and calls to womens aid, so hope that helps in court.
He also made me and the kids homeless once as he felt entitled to be in the property !
locks changed, friends on board .
gotta get my finacial info to DV assist now.
thanks again

[diymum@1]

yeh youll get legal aid. Have you read womens aid safe child contact? dont listen to the negatives but its an informative read for your younger kids. You could oppose his legal aid? why should the tax payers pay for someone who is abusive to get legal rights xx i did this and he was denied three times, it took a year to get granted. What to keep in mind id these men dont give up, so be prepared to fight to the death so to speak, dont let fear hold you back with the older kids on your side you have this in the bag id say xx get them to write down what they witnessed id record and log the smear on your character if you find out what hes saying – no harm to keep a record. as long as you have all the professionals on your side youll be absolutely fine, i was xx luv duy mum

[diymum@1]

safe not sorry the document is called

[diymum@1]

also might be worth pointing out smearing your character is actually a tactic of abuse called triangulation and victim blaming also its a form of gaslighting xx i ended up spelling this out to some of the professionals i came across theyre not all up to date on the tactics of abusive men xx these men are all the same and thats there down fall theyre very readable once you learn how they work xx

[brandnewme]

yeah, i am really starting to see the patterns now.
they do not ever change, the lady on helpline was clear about that as its there underlying and fundamental belief system and is impossible for them to be any different.
I have been on edge all day, can not leave the house in case he tries to get back in (he done this before and me and kids were homeless)
friends of mine and our neighbours are right behind me , but he is trying to spread his narrative to anyone who will listen.
he dies the poor me, she is the love of my life and can not live without her repertoire
i have heard it and seen it all before over the (detail removed by moderator) yrs and just can not suck it up.
i have been shrewd and protected my money (last time he cleared my bank out) I have changed locks, got my phone numbers of neighbours on the fridge and next to my bed, prepped kids to not let him in (they do not want to!) the (age removed by moderator) year old still has not noticed he has gone, so little input did the abuser have .
i have got the predictable texts about how he plans to change etc

I’m just ignoring them, scared that the angry stage will ramp up again but have nothing to offer.
my eldest (age removed by moderator) said we need to get camera up as she is worried he is capable of anything, that really shocked me.

[diymum@1]

a camera might be a good plan – as long as he knows your ready to act in an instant if he comes near the house until you have an order. i wouldnt hesitate to get the police asap, you shouldnt really be lefy in such a position right now to be honest. this is the worst of it, honestly 🙂 your doing all the right things, everything you can. i was never too sure about putting the fear up him incase he kicked off. ie telling him if he comes near the police will be called. its the not knowing isnt it? all you can do is take as much control back as you can ie no contact and keep him consistently away, legally do whatever it takes now. xx could you guys stay with friends until hes legally enforced? xx staying safe is the main thing xx

[brandnewme]

no way am i going anywhere.
my neighbours are brilliant and will be round in a shot.
he thinks he will win me back by making loads of grand gestures and texts, already so i can relax a bit.(for todayanyay !)
its like a roller coaster isnt it!!
it will be risky again after they have served the papers i think?
so i may go away then? but my adult daughter is here, she has work etc and i dont want to disrupt everyone.
i just have to stay focused and not beleive all his promises because ive heard them all so many times in (detail removed by moderator) yrs
thanks for all your support today diy mum x*x you are fab x*x

[diymum@1]

hey no problem any time 🙂 you sound like a very strong lady 🙂 i know youll do just fine and your right why should you leave xx get a good sleep and think of you and your family now 🙂 much luv diy mum x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi brandnewme, just want to welcome you to the forum. DIY has given such great advice and support. That’s all we can do for each other. You are doing great, your neighbours sound wonderful too. To have such strong support is necessary, this way he won’t push his way in. They’ll not stand up to anyone else, might try but when push comes to shove, they back off. It’s amazing how many of us have given these men so much of our lives, our love, only fir it never to be enough. I too have been with my oh fir over 2 decades. I wish I’d listened to my gut when I first met him. I promised myself I’d do that when I left my ex and I did, until this one. They just know how to get into your head.
If you’re having papers served on him, your solicitor should tell you in advance when that is going to happen in order for you to be elsewhere.
A (detail removed by moderator) council in Scotland has just brought in ‘safeleave’ for its employees, due to begin on Monday, my hope is all employers will do just this in the future, throughout the whole of the UK and the world. It would be great if it was in place for the likes of these very situations. It gives full pay to the employee too.
Best wishes and again welcome. 💞
IWMB 💕💕

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