Got myself into a right mess

[equinoxal]

As I mentioned in a previous post, we broke up a (detail removed by Moderator) ago after I decided I didn’t want to live with his constant anger anymore. He is currently not living in the country at the moment. The plan was for me to join him soon, had the ticket booked and everything. Then when we broke up I decided I’d finally had enough, went no contact and booked a holiday with my friends on the same day I would have been going to see him. (I really didn’t think I would ever get back with him).

He literally begged me to get back with him. I’d never seen him so desperate. I couldn’t take the constant messaging and calling, so I caved. To his credit, I have seen a complete transformation. He’s been the most loving and caring he’s ever been, controlling his temper too.

So naturally…he assumes because he has been so nice to me lately I’m still coming on that date. I can’t tell him that I’ve booked a holiday with my friends- he doesn’t even know I’m friends with them! (He made me stop being friends with them a long time ago) Telling him the truth is not an option. I know he would completely flip out.

I told him repeatedly that I wasn’t coming on that date, but I would come another date because I needed space. But he began pressuring me to come on the original date and wouldn’t stop asking me about it, all the time. Lying to him about it all and just being in a relationship with him generally finally got to me, I just snapped and had a complete breakdown and blurted out that I would come.

So now I’ve committed to flying to two separate parts of the world on the same day.

I have no idea what to do anymore, I feel totally trapped. I know that I don’t love him anymore and I don’t want to go and see him, after all he’s put me through. Still, he doesn’t deserve this, to be lied to. How can I just keep flip flopping, telling him I’m flying out to see him one day then the next day I’m not? It’s not fair on him.

I cringed writing this because I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been, this whole situation is completely my fault. I’m so weak and can barely live with myself anymore. (detail removed by Moderator)

Feel like giving up on life. This whole year has taken its toll on me mentally and emotionally.

[KIP.]

Hi there, this is not your fault. You told him you would be going and any decent person would accept that. Instead he bullies and cajoles, like a typical abuser. Can you send him a simple text saying it’s all over then block his calls and texts. If you re read your won post you can see how dysfunctional it is that you wouldn’t be allowed to contact friends and you would have to lie to your boyfriend to go on holiday? It’s all so wrong. Can you contact women’s aid for help. The helpline are great. I know how you feel. I used to contemplate suicide because I felt so trapped. None of this is your fault. Abusers are expert at turning things right round on us. Getting us to take the blame so that they don’t have to X

[EeyoreNoMore]

He has pretended to change but actually you can see that he hasn’t.

All the reasons that it was over in the first place still stand. It was easier for him to put on the desperate puppy dog act and get you back than it was to go find a new victim.

You bought into it but guess what, you’ve seen through him now. You know hat he’s trying to control who you are friends with. You know he’s trying to control your behaviour and you also know that he’s never going to change.

You have the strength within you to turn your back on your abuser and head off with your friends.

Please do not feel any guilt to him as he’s sure as heck not feeling any to you.

See if you can give the helpline a call and as KIP said, No Contact is the only way to go.

[Racoon]

It is OK to say NO to someone for whatever reason. You do not need an excuse or justification for saying no.

Please go and have the time of your life with your friends and don’t allow anyone to pressurise you into doing anything you don’t want to do.

You have not been stupid and this whole situation is not your fault. It is entirely due to his abusive and controlling behaviour.

I would strongly recommend going No contact again and blocking his communications.

He needs to respect you by respecting your decision to end the relationship.

I really hope your able to get away with your friends. We’ll all be looking forward to your postcard!

[Nova]

Hi…reading through your post I can understand why your upset…your situation has reverted back to manipulation & control..and your obviously sensing that!
Probably best to talk this over with WA, and consider your feelings about this, as long term it doesn’t sound like a great idea to be there, with him..if your feeling so sad and unhappy it’s not worth it.

It reminds me of myself not so long ago, twisted in knots, anxious and terrified to give my opinion about anything anymore…the only way forward for me was to get out…& I am trying now day by day, hour by hour! to recover from that abuse. NC and counselling, are the starting points …..and have to be put in place

Try to take the steps you seem to know is better for your future, ring WA.

Hugs Cx

[Confused123]

Hii HUn

I knjow u will struggle to tell him, but i agree with ladies he is still controlling your mind, thats just as bad, if u can see it is an act he has changed then just say now plans ahve changed and u wont be commning then block him whilst u with your friends on holiday and after decide how u going to remove this man from yor life which willmena blocking him on perem basis,

[jsscollie]

This isn’t your fault – and you are allowed to say no without justifying it. His choice not to accept it is his choice, you aren’t making him react that way. Text and then block x

[equinoxal]

Thanks to all for your replies and advice.
I am definitely going on holiday with my friends now which I’m trying to look forward to. I cancelled my ticket to see him so now there’s no way I’m going on that date.
But now I’ve started to reconsider ending things with him, at least right now. I have to admit that I’m very weak and I haven’t been able to gather up the strength to end things. He tells me he is committed to me for life and is madly in love with me, his family are looking forward to seeing me..he keeps pushing me to find another flight as soon as possible and I promised him I would to stop him from getting upset. He told me I was making him ill/making him want to kill himself because I’m not committing to flying out to see him. How could I just block him when he is so intensely in love with me? And i have reciprocated his feelings even if they’re not genuine. I feel like it would be impossible to break up with him. At this point I could literally do anything and he would still refuse to break up with me.
I don’t know. I think I will wait to see how things pan out and maybe consider provoking him into breaking up with me.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hun please see if you can give the helpline a call. Have you read “Why doss He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft? Might help you find the inner strength you’re lookin for xx

[Nova]

Equinoxal, hi maybe better to read up a bit more on trauma bonding/love bombing/hoovering?
It’s always an idea to be informed and know what their tactics are…as you see it one way, they see it a quite another..and at least then you can make decisions based on the reality, rather than ifs, & maybes.

Take care and especially if your thinking of breaking up.

C x

[Racoon]

I think Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?”book will really help give you the strength to say no.

The freedom programme would be so helpful too. It’s also available online if your unable to attend the sessions.

(detail removed by Moderator)

[Confused123]

Hey hun

if you can please try blocking him to give yourself time to think straight and clear your head, get support how to end it with him if u r struggling , your trip with your friends will do u good, and when they start making threats like that about family looking forward to meeet u and he cant live without u ,sucidal threats its a red flag, i never realized when i first met my ex, he would want to meet up every weekend and introduce me to family all time, i felt suffocated , u need your own space too

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