Got out, now on holiday.. struggling to stay away

[NeedANewMe]

I haven’t posted on here for a while had a lot going on with him work and family. Trying to live like 3 lives and it’s physically and emotionally draining.

So last time I posted I was putting the mortgage through and scared to tell him I was doing it.. after a lot of hassle and at times telling me he won’t sign saying he wants more money he signed the papers and I had to pay him out a few grand.. which has annoyed me as it was my house my money which he has not contributed to but thought he had the right to more. He wanted off the mortgage kept threatening me with it, but when papers came through he said he didn’t want to come off and kept blaming me that I wanted him off, he was telling his family in front of (detail removed by moderator).. then starts to threaten me with as soon as I get my payout I am leaving you. money was paid in and I messaged that day saying (detail removed by moderator) .I think he only said that to trick me in hope I’d say you haven’t got anything to feel guilty for we can put it on another house.. even saying he felt guilty his took it and put into his savings.

we were due to have a week off work well he was and expected me to take a week off aswell but I knew in back of my head that I was planning to leave that week.. the cheek of him on the weekend came round and said he you to his £(detail removed by moderator) to go shopping with hope that gets you all you want.. I looked at him he opened his wallet full of my money and gave me another £(detail removed by moderator) he thought he was doing me a favour but he was just giving me back my money. I tried all weekend to try and leave and instead left myself a 2 hour window on the very last chance I had to leave and put all his stuff in the porch along with a letter explaining everything. I felt so guilty doing it like this as it’s not me at all, when he saw my message he phoned me and said you finishing with me.. he had to leave work to collect his stuff from the house. At one point in purposely phoned me making out he didn’t know he called me so I could hear him telling the girl at work my mrs has kicked me out put all my stuff out on porch I need to leave work! Anyway I spent the first couple of days begging him apologising. I even went away for a few days to keep myself away from him. Found him on a dating site advising looking for a relationship. I pulled him up on it and said less than 48hours since this happened he said I just needed someone to talk to, I said lies you wouldn’t of changed everything and said looking for relationship… he even put on his profile description(detail removed by moderator)… We was still calling and messaging each other and I made out I was at a relatives near home but I wasn’t. I said I’d meet him (detail removed by moderator) but decided to stay away and send him a text blaming it all on me and blocked him off everything. He tried for about 15mins ringing withheld numbers then installed another app to contact me through there saying (detail removed by moderator) he stopped contacting for about (detail removed by moderator) days and on my way back home feeling a bit better about things he contacted me through emails instead!! A big heart felt email thanking me for making him into the person he is giving him more confidence etc… saying (detail removed by moderator) I am going to go and get help get back on my tablets and see if I can have therapy to help me understand why when I get angry I say the things I do… obviously this email sent me sick to the stomach and I gave in and contacted him.. me and my dad had a big bost up because he wants him no where near me…. I just don’t want him to change for someone else!! Anyway we started seeing each other every now and again but I knew in the back of my mind I had booked myself a holiday for the first time in over a year (since being with him) I couldn’t tell him he’d go mad… things were going ok and then the morning came where I needed to get my flight I couldn’t tell him to his face I felt physically sick anxiety was going couldn’t breathe he asked what was wrong I said nothing. I took him home and again texted him blamed everything on me that I don’t make him happy his depressed because of me he can never trust me because of what I’ve done and I said I am going away for a while the doctor has signed me off and work don’t want me around… out of the whole text the only thing he picked up on was me going away.. he replied where you going I told him a lie and his response was (detail removed by moderator) and blocked me off everything. I left it got on my flight and I’m here now but finding it so hard to settle. After about(detail removed by moderator) days he decides to contact me through emails again.. which started off my anxiety again and I can’t eat I just want to come home. His email started with: “(detail removed by moderator). We’ve gone back and forth on emails (detail removed by moderator)
Im sorry . But that’s done it for me (detail removed by moderator)

After these last messages about (detail removed by moderator) I decided to write him an email with the truth, explaining that you can’t tell me what I can and can’t do. (detail removed by moderator) I was expecting him to kick off at this point but he replied back saying (detail removed by moderator)

Please help me I am so confused because of miss him so much and I really think he will change but I’m scared to take the risk incase he doesn’t and I’m stuck.. my family hate his guts and I can’t imagine them accepting him in even if he does change.

[Seeingclearly]

He is incredibly abusive. He won’t change. I recommend you read ‘Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ by Lundy Bancroft. You will feel like he knows your partner! You are being manipulated, controlled and guilt-tripped, and he knows exactly what he is doing. “There are tons of women who wouldn’t wear a bikini if it bothered their partner” – has he done a survey? Has he asked tons of women? He’s trying to tell you that it is abnormal for you not to let him control you. He could equally say “tons of women do as they are told, why won’t you? Why are you so unreasonable?” Tell him you don’t like him going out without a big coat on. It makes you feel uncomfortable. If only he would wear a big coat when he goes out you could love him properly and you could continue with the relationship. Why is he being so cruel to you by not wearing a big coat? Doesn’t he understand that you don’t want other women looking at him in just a shirt. LOTS of men wear big coats, even in summer, so that other women won’t admire them and make their partners feel insecure.” It’s just ridiculous! He is so entitled and arrogant! If he stops dictating to you about the bikini, he will find another way to control you and make himself feel powerful. He thinks he is entitled to control you and tell you what you can and cannot do. He will promise to change when he thinks he is losing control of you. He will not change.

Of course you miss him. But people who smoke miss cigarettes when they can’t get them. It doesn’t mean cigarettes are good for them. Cigarettes are poisonous. So is he. You deserve better. The next woman will deserve better. And the next one. Enjoy wearing your bikini! If you’ve got it, flaunt it!

[NeedANewMe]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I try so hard to think his just trying to get to you but the one part of me falls for his rubbish and I get petrified that I will loose him to someone else and eventually he will change.
He has gone back to the doctors I booked the appointment and they have put him back on tablets his waiting now for a call back for an assessment for counselling.

I have been having counselling for months and it’s helped me to get through the mortgage and through leaving but now I have no support. I start counselling in September which is specifically for domestic abuse so hoping they will help me more but it’s a long way to go until September.

I am out here alone with someone I met out here before and I just can’t switch off in restless and since him saying my email was a hard pill to swallow it’s made me more anxious because now I’m just waiting to know what he will say. Just don’t know how to deal with it how to stay away. I don’t feel like I can change my number or block him because I feel so guilty for putting his things on the porch to begin with… I just feel so lonely and afraid to fully let go. I was trying to cope with it since no contact when getting on the plane and I spent 3 days crying and struggling not to message but he had to just go and do it and then I find myself saying all sorts to him.

Why can’t he see what he does? Why can’t he see it as being wrong? I don’t know whether I am afraid to let go because I long for a long lasting relationship like my siblings and parents and my ex of (detail removed by moderator) years who I thought I’d be with for my life and was getting married to was having an affair whilst we was paying off the wedding. So I had no confidence and even little now xx

[Twisted Sister]

Dear NeedANewMe

He is abnormal, very abusive, and you believe in him.

This is the difference between your father and you, he is not in an intimate relationship with him, he doesn’t have the connection you have. It’s a strong very very toxic connection to someone who you have said you are extremely unhappy with.

It is very like any toxic habit, like smoking, drinking, it makes you ill, yet you struggle to stop.

Please try to get to a freedom programme, which shows you all their tactics to keep you, and abuse you.

They are very powerful and no wonder women struggle to get away. As you explained, you make your decisions finally, and suddenly he sees the light, or taunts you with his making new relationships.

It’s continuous relentless and extremely persistent and so hard to break away from.

Very brave all that you have done to break away from him, and get away on a holiday.

You will be free when his words don’t matter and you listen to those who love you and have your best interests at heart.

Do keep posting, and enjoy yourself sunning in your bikini!

Warmest wishes

TS

[Seeingclearly]

Hi NeedANewMe

Try to sit tight until you see the counsellor in September who specialises in domestic abuse. She will help you unravel these confusing and conflicting feelings that you are having. In the meantime, it might help you to ring the National Domestic Violence helpline. I was in a very controlling relationship as well. I felt so mixed up and guilty. I managed to get away from him, but the guilt continued and I felt very sorry for him. And I longed for his company. He was like a Jekyll and Hyde, but I longed for the nice part of him. Eventually we met up, and I felt so bad – but I could also see his manipulation and guilt tripping more clearly. We parted on good terms after that meeting and agreed to get together again. But I wasn’t too sure. I rang the helpline, and it was as though the woman I spoke to shone a big torch on everything he had been doing and how he been controlling my emotions. She was brilliant. She helped me see that I didn’t ever have to see him again, that I could make my own decisions based on MY interests, not his. Everything he did was for him, and to try and isolate me and keep me in his life. I was heading down a dark and scary path with him – and it took me years to see it. The escalation of control into violence was very slow, almost imperceptible. I found it impossible to see any of this until I rang the helpline. Reach out and get help to see that he is responsible for dealing with his own issues in life, for his own mess. He is not your responsibility. You are ALLOWED to look after you.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi needanewme, your story and mine are very similar. I’ve been away from my oh for a few months now, and yes i have been seeing him, but and It’s a huge BUT, I see through mine for every trick he’s trying to pull, yet it still doesn’t stop me staying away. He’s even going to see a councellor,been going almost since I left him. I’ve gone a few time now and everytime, EVERYTIME, he uses what was said there against me. I’ve refused to go this time, and all I’m getting is the distress in his voice, he sounds ready to break down. Yes I feel compassion fir him but not enough to go back to him, I care about me more now. It isn’t easy, he says I’ve been stringing him along that I had no intention of going back and It’s true I don’t intend to, but I’ve not been stringing him along, it’s so hard to cut those ties but one day I will. I only hope that I don’t go back before I really and truly leave. I’m living in refuge, have my own support worker and life is generally good. I’m trying to knit just now, stop thinking and worrying about him. Why do we do that. Even after all they do and say to us,we still care about their distress. I’m waiting to see a psychologist, had another preliminary meeting and she felt I should go ahead with it. My doctor has said I’ve probably got PTSD, but the psychologist will help with that. Each night I’m not living with him, I get stronger and stronger. Ive surprised myself at just how strong I am. Whereas emotionally he’s a mess, all over the place. Try and go grey rock if you can’t go no contact all together. It’s very very hard to totally and utterly let go. I feel for you mo charaid (my friend)
IWMB

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