Got the strength to end it, but now feeling like the guilty party

[Waving not drowning]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here. After (detail removed by Moderator) attempts at leaving my husband I finally told him (detail removed by Moderator) it is over for good.

We have a small child with a disability and that has certainly added pressure onto our relationship. But having done a LOT of reading and soul searching I realised that his behaviour was so abusive and unhealthy. I had completely lost who I was and how to be strong.

Funnily enough when he called me a ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ in front of our son I actually felt ashamed but never left. He’s done some awful things in the past but I feel as though I am the guilty party for giving up on us and calling time.

I finally got to this decision after a dog walk with a friend where I was throwing a stick into a stream and the dogs knocked my son a bit and I started apologising and he said – you don’t need to be sorry it wasn’t anyones fault it just happened – and I thought. OMG. This is a normal reaction.

I actually had to Google what the hallmarks of a healthy relationship are the other day.

Even though I am aware of all of this – he tells me I’m the abusive one and I’m starting to have seeds of doubt and think I am! Could this ever be true??

[KIP.]

You’ve been programmed and brainwashed by an abuser. You’re in a FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. Guilt is one that an abuser loves to use but the truth is that the very first time he abused you, he gave you permission to leave. Don’t think he will be reasonable. He will probably carry on like you’ve said nothing. The abuse will increase. Do not discuss ending things with him, it’s the most dangerous time when they lose control. Make your safe exit plan without his knowledge.

[KIP.]

Write a journal of all the abusive episodes including child abuse which occurs when he abused you in front of your child.

[KIP.]

Contact your local womens aid for support. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Google the power and control wheel.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Waving not drowning

I am sorry for your abusive situation, and I feel your distress at pulling the plug on it, but did you ever consider this guilt that you carry should be his? He has done this, he changed the rules of a ‘relationship’, he stepped outside the relationship, the marriage and became your enemy the moment he abused you and your son. This is his guilt, his shame to carry for how he’s driven you away, and you’ve fought valiantly I’m sure to hold things together for your son, but in the end, its for your son and yourself that you have to listen to who he is and let it go, walk away, but always safely. Keep your plans quiet, know that he is now your enemy.

Please don’t carry his guilt, he’s destroyed any hope of a relationship with you or your child because of abuse. There’s a saying, you cannot reason with the unreasonable, its true and it remains true for them long after separation, so because of what you’ve both experienced make sure you don’t let your guards down where he’s concerned, even when he starts to love-bomb, or you think he’s moved on.

Strength for your difficult time x

warmest wishes

ts

[Waving not drowning]

You guys are amazing. I already feel better.

It’s such a confusing state to be in as I can see things happening and have even recorded him abusing me verbally (he then found the recordings and really lost control with rage) but I keep thinking I’m the one that is guilty and I’m an awful person.

He is on best behaviour now, putting the clothes away, walking the dog, taking our son out but see down I know it won’t last.

He actually verbally abused me in front of my parents (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago which was the very final straw.

Thanks for the recommendations I’ll get reading.

[Waving not drowning]

I called them before after I had been verbally abused and was so upset and objected to my treatment I accidentally let it slip I was going to call and he said ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’.

Contrary to what my husband thought they were VERY good. It was really hard to accept and there were a lot of tears but I will get in contact again.

[Twisted Sister]

I’m glad for you that you had a strong supportive response, and yes, you could say, yes, they wouldn’t accept it and ended the call quite quickly, which will lead him to believe that there will be no follow up, which is a way in itself of keeping you both safer.

Its when his control is threatened that things will become higher risk for you both. Do everything under the radar, and lock your phone down, browse the internet in private mode (incognito, or whichever mode you have that stops tracking of your history). If you can buy your own data so you don’t use anything accessible by him. You can take out cashback when shopping so it won’t appear on your receipts/statements anywhere that you are buying your own data.

So pleased that you already do feel a lot better, and this is a state that you need to get used to because its what happens when others understand what you are saying, so when you feel that sliding again, come and ask,keep posting to keep you strong and build up your resilience to his abuses.

warmest wishes

ts

[Waving not drowning]

I just wish I could rid myself of this intense guilt. I had an indiscretion recently with someone who showed me kindness after a weekend of abuse and belittling and I know I shouldn’t have done it because it’s playing havoc with my mind but it felt like a way of really never ever going back. Not justifying it just stating fact.

I will work on my exit plan and keep focussing on what life will be like the other side of it. What do you do if you have no where to go though? And my son is school etc.

[Twisted Sister]

I can understand why you would seek comfort in this way, and why this brings greater guilt for you, but tbh after he first abused you all rules are off. He’s broken his vows to you, and you now just need to look forward, focus on the healthy route escaping the pain for you both and leaving him in your past.

If you have nowhere to go have you considered getting him ejected from the home on the grounds of domestic abuse? or there’s also considering a refuge to help you get away and maybe they can support you in making applications for him to leave?

Your call, take your time, and just consider what is best for you both.

warmest wishes

ts

[Waving not drowning]

Thank you so much.

[KIP.]

Start slowly getting legal advice and building a support network. Sounds like he’s already minimising and ignoring your boundaries and request to end the relationship. The cycle of abuse will come into play, whatever you have done was a reaction to abuse. We are not the people we want to be when coping in an abusive relationship. We live in survival mode. Keep a journal and all the evidence you can. You may get an occupation order to stay in the marital home and have him removed. If you give him the chance he will leave you with nothing. Tell him nothing. They often threat to take our children from us. So watch for the threats coming too. Keep,your mobile on you fully charged at all times.

[Waving not drowning]

This is great advice thanks.

[Grey Rock]

The book ‘Out of the FOG ‘ really helped me. Also understanding the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding.
(There’s lots about it online if you Google these).

Dr Ramani YouTube videos helped me understand what I had experienced and would be dealing with when I left.

I was (detail removed by Moderator) attempt lucky. Sending prayers your way.

Xx

[Waving not drowning]

Thank you.

I let is truly the most terrifying experience isn’t it? I have no idea who I married and I am CONSTANTLY questioning whether this is abuse.

But the facts are – the constant behaviours I am subjected to are:

* everything – and I mean everything from the way I put my sons shoes on to how loud the tv is – is wrong or done improperly and I am unable to do anything right and nothing is good enough
* mimicking and telling me I am ‘excitable’ and was ‘shouting’ when I wasn’t
* lying to provide a helpful version (for him)
* told I am ‘an absolute disgrace’ and an unfit mother
* told I am the abuser and I am abusing him
* confusing word salad arguments
* demanding I provide examples of things I object to and demanding answers to his constant line of questioning
* constant calls and messages in the day when he’s at work
* after I make a nice meal (I do enjoy cooking) he says I do it to lord over him (??)
* tells me what I think and what I want (‘you think you can just do what you want and you don’t care who it affects’ ‘you don’t want a marriage you want a puppy to kick’ etc.)

And specific examples of terrifying events are:

* restraining me so hard when I was pregnant he bruised my wrists (he said I was out of control and was doing this to protect me)
* storming off on holiday when I was pregnant drunk and leaving me in the street crying not sure what had happened
* told me I was disabled (detail removed by Moderator)
* told me I was a toxic cancer (detail removed by Moderator)
* removed the chain off the front door (so he could always ‘get into his own house’)
* tried to break in the (detail removed by Moderator) window when I had locked myself in there to be safe
* smashed a glass (detail removed by Moderator) and threw his wedding ring off in front of my son
* threw a pot (detail removed by Moderator) at my head and told me ‘it was a joke’ and I was a ‘very strange lady’ because I took exception to it
* told me I was a l*****c and need locking up

Some of these things he apologised for and some not. I am guessing I should be in no doubt that this is abuse.

Thanks Grey Rock I’ll look at book too. Sounds very fitting….

[Waving not drowning]

I should add I wasn’t drunk pregnant – he was!! So there was no way he could try and tell me I remembered that incorrectly although he did attempt to…

[Twisted Sister]

so many of those things are familiar to me, our family, and seeing others writing it is also validating for me, and I think thats the vital crux of this forum, it makes sense when others write it, so when you read what others go through you too will see that his behaviours are common to abusers, and that its not you, it really is him.

Good luck with your planning and getting your supports and growing strengths.

warmest wishes

ts

[KIP.]

It’s mind blowing dysfunction. Very dangerous for your mental health. Not having your feelings validated will make you feel crazy. What you describe is an extremely abusive relationship. Typical for abuse to increase around pregnancy, when you’re at your most vulnerable and also around special occasions. They can’t stand us being happy.

[Waving not drowning]

Hmmmm I could do with some advice/perspective today. I’ve been having a mot of doubts this morning – the whole am I doing the right thing/ have I just f****d my whole life up / we were so happy / we have SO much in common / I know we can be happy again – doubts so perfect breeding ground for love bombing… which I think is happening.

First he wouldn’t leave me and my son alone even though it was my turn to parent. Hung around in the same room as us trying to engage in pollute conversation etc. then went out – called me but I missed it – then sent a message if he could pick anything up etc. I didn’t reply to this as didn’t see it.

Then got home and he’s bought me gifts…… practical ones but things I haven’t asked for.

Is this the start of another cycle do you think? X

[Twisted Sister]

All that matters here is that you know he is abusive, and you do. You have listed his odd behaviours, and whether his abuses are presented as positives, they are still negatives, because they seek to manipulate your head, and make you feel dazed and confused. Nevertheless you now see him for what he is. Hold strong there, you’ve got this x

[Grey Rock]

That list of specific examples is horrible to read. The things that they expect us to brush off!! Lots of the examples are very similar to things I remember. Throwing and smashing things, holiday stuff, belittling, accusations, etc. Mine took all my clothes out of the wardrobe and urinated over them and acted amazed that I was upset. Of course he wasn’t amazed. Same when he slashed all my tyres or when he used an app to text bomb my phone, or ordered inappropriate items using my Amazon account to be sent to my workplace. He can’t have been amazed though. He just wasn’t prepared to be held accountable for those abusive acts. I look back now and am horrified by how normal it became.

GRxxx

[Waving not drowning]

Sounds familiar… we had a similar incident when my son was days old and I was sleeping elsewhere with him in the house.

I find the response to objection of abuse the most frightening.

His period of grace has started to slip already and I’m being bombarded with questions and instructions to do things and exasperation when I say I’m doing something else. Now I’ll have to do what he requests or we’ll start the whole ‘you never do what you say you’re going to do’ merry dance.

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