Gradual change in myself

[Arky123]

Hey everyone
I just wanted to come on here I’m still in a relationship as can never see a way out to be fair with you.
But I and I only have been up and down like a yo yo not been open to friends and family. Pretty much keeping it all in to myself. People only know and seen millimetres of our relationship.

What I wanted to say is. I was so upset so suicidal! so thought the world was over! soooo heartbroken ! over the way he treated me.
I don’t know what happened one day it’s like a lightbulb tripped. I just don’t take anything from him on board anymore. I Don’t believe he’s lies. I Don’t get caught up in him gassing me up of our future.( And he seems to have new ideas quite frequent, changes his mind like the wind sort of thing )

I think positive and positive things happen to me I have noticed.

He is a complete n********t and all he does is talk about himself. Not one bit interested in my day or life.
I let him talk 5/10 mins on phone on my lunch break not one second ask how my day is at work. or after work all about him self again. I actually find it funny/ and sad that somebody lives and acts like that I could never be so selfish.
I don’t take it to heart any more.
When he is abusive now. I know it is for no reason. I cannot believe I used to think it was my fault! Or something I did!
I do not react to he’s abuse anymore.
I just gently remind him that it is quite shocking to speak to someone like that. Without raising voices or being aggressive and defensive.

I want to live a good life. And not taking on board he’s abuse as I used to is really helping.

No reaction to the swear words and nasty names being called.
When being kicked or a fist lifted up to me I’m not reacting.
I just deep breathes and know to myself. I am nothing like that person. I would never ever make somebody feel like that for no reason.

I’ve realised the journey is about knowing who you are.
and I now know I am a good person!

Cannot believe I used to think I was horrible and not worthy because that’s all I was told.
As I was always called a c**t and millions of nasty names.
I’m not. I have a conscience I sleep well knowing I have done nothing wrong to no one.

Scares me to think of the time I walked to top of bridge (removed by moderator). It was the only thing I could see that was worth doing.

I would never ever do that again. I will never ever be in that situation again.

Be who you are.
Don’t be put down like I have for so many years.
I hope I can carry on how I have been.
I’m so proud of myself and how strong I have been

[Lisa]

Hi Arky123,

It’s good to hear you have reached some important conclusions about the way you see yourself within the abusive relationship. Knowing absolutely it has nothing to do with you, can bring relief and clarity; he is the issue and problem, not you.

Understandably, his on-going emotional and psychological abuse has made you believe for some time, that maybe your are not ‘enough’, or a ‘good person’. But of course, you are an amazingly good and more than worthy person. Also it takes a lot of strength for any woman to mange and cope within the dynamics of an abusive relationship over time. But how amazing would it be that this huge source of energy you are using to manage the abuse, be reserved for the more positive, enriching aspects of your life?

You mention that you keep calm when he raises a hand or a fist to you. You say that you feel this helps you to cope. Survivors will find ways to manage the abuse they experiencing, but it doesn’t take away the fact they are still experiencing it and potentially still at risk. You must see yourself through this abusive relationship in the way that feels right to you, and in your own time, but please be aware of this.

If you haven’t tried already, you may want to access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. And of course, you can always speak to your local domestic abuse service.

It sounds like you are making personal progress and feeling better about yourself, which is always a good thing. Keep going, and please do keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on.

Lisa

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