Grateful for any advice please

[Anonymous]

Hello ladies I would be grateful for some advice to help me make a decision. I struggle to decide anything as my ex wouldn’t let me have any opinions or views on anything.
It is a long while since I last posted. I have now managed to separate and stop communication. I can now keep to this and I am safe as he is so v v angry with me that he hates me and won’t contact me.
Although I should be relieved, my mental health has actually crashed. I think I lived every minute on high alert to keep myself safe, so now my “fight or flight” instinct has gone, I am overwhelmed by everything.
Anyway the decision I am wrestling with is should I just get on with life and try to recover, or should I report him to the police for prosecution for coercive control. I know from my conversations a while ago with WA and others that his behaviour was at the more severe end of the coercive control spectrum and I have quite a lot of evidence, the usual diaries, texts, emails, medical records, bank statements etc. I am swinging back and for about this.
I can see the attraction of just moving on, but I’m not sure I can. He has caused so so much damage. I do worry about how I would cope if I was told the CPS wouldn’t charge, or a jury acquitted him. I also am concerned about the risk to me because he would go absolutely mad if I reported him
But, I am so v v angry. He has caused me so much damage. I was a confident, outgoing, highly educated person with a professional background when I met him. I am now a frightened shell with no confidence, crippling anxiety, depressive episodes, PTSD, elements of OCD and huge difficulties coping with the usual vicissitudes of life. He has totally wrecked the rest of my life as not only have all his love bombing promises been shown to be worthless, I cannot ever imagine meeting anyone else. I am furious he can cause all this and then go back to his old life carefree and even disparaging me. I feel I need some justice.
Has anybody been in this situation and have some advice please. I just tremble with anxiety at the thought of deciding anything as I am so convinced I will get everything wrong.
Thank you

[Eyesopening]

Hi Marmot,
I relate to how you feel, but for me it was abuse from my manager. I had plenty of proof of their (there was two of them) abuse and my family and friends really wanted me to report it. I wasn’t angry, i was too weak to be angry, just the thought of them made me well up and cry.
I couldn’t face doing anything, I was too anxious in just every day life to do anything that might cause more anxiety.
All I can say is, it gets better. You will heal with time and the wounds will disappear. I recommend Reading Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life and also speaking with professionals/family/friends about the experience, getting it all out and then letting it go.
Sending love x*x

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi, I understand how you feel, as I am also feeling the same way, a shell of the person I used to be and I hate how I am left like this while he has got on with life.
I can not tell you what to do regards reporting, this is entirely up to you. But you are free, that takes strength, and your stronger than you give yourself credit for. Perhaps seek free advice from a professional and see what they say and decide from there. Also keep reaching out, everyone here understands and is there for you.
I have been advised to look after me, which I am doing, it is a rollercoaster, but hopefully will get better.
We can get past this and you deserve so much better.
I to can not imagine being with anyone else after ex, but even that sad thought is better than being with him.
Take care. Message anytime.
X

[Watersprite]

Yes – I have been there x All I can say is reporting is another rollercoaster that takes away control with no certain outcome x However it is also a choice may help others and for a very few they get a good outcome. If you are safe now give yourself some breathing space whilst you decide and pour all your energy into you strong emotions and the devastation abuse leaves are sadly normal but you can now begin to build the life you deserve – different sure but your own. I know how hard it is accept support and do one nice thing for you today x

[Living Warrior]

hi hun,i agree with watersprite, things are raw right now- you will switch and change your mind so many times in this rollercoaster or emotions. These types of choices are hard enough to make when you are clear headed, let alone when you are up and down. Use the time you have now, to get a sense of balance and new normality. You need to regenerate your own body and mind fully before you will have the strength to go through any type of “calling out” or police investigations.
When you are stronger, then rethink it.
Get legal advice, explain the situation, show them whatever proof you have- and see if they think it is a case that could be taken seriously. It is all about the level of proof, unfortunetly.
Consider the different outcomes, and how that would impact on your feelings, confidence etc.

I understand the need to want him punished, i understand he deserves to be. (we all stand together with you on this)
but you also have to think about the length of the proceedings, when you are stronger, can you cope with not being believed or being cross examined and made to feel like s**t…
as long as you get strong enough, and KNOW in your head that you know the truth and if he gets not guilty verdict etc it isnt YOUR fault… then go for it.

but if at any point you think that possibly, may interfere with your own mental health etc then maybe let it go… obviously there is alot to think about. but for now- id focus on getting stronger, strong enough to make the choice.
either way no matter what you decide for you- we are here always, 🙂
stay safe, stay strong and good luck x*x

[KIP.]

For me the reporting to the police was part of my moving on and healing and I don’t regret it. It was difficult and I probably didn’t get the outcome I hoped for in the justice system but I held him accountable for what the law would allow. And he’s their problem now x

[Anonymous]

Thank you ladies for replying. Your kindness brought tears to my eyes.
I do have quite a lot of evidence. He was never one to just make a verbal threat. He followed it up in writing setting out his instructions and then the consequences (in a list) if I did not obey. I also noted everything (with dates) so have over 60 A4 pages of dated incidents which I have compiled from my notes. My teenage kids would also give evidence and a friend. I can also prove the financial abuse through his emails and my bank statements. I am hopeful the CPS would think it is enough, but who knows. I wish I’d had the courage to ask members of the public for their contact details over the years as he lost all control and screamed, physically threatened and swore at me regularly in public places (for crimes like standing not exactly where he had told me or being 30 seconds too slow) drawing crowds (although no one ever intervened to help me 😨).
I have found it quite tricky to get advice. Victim Support said they could only help if I reported, not with the decision about reporting. My local DA csent me to an RCJ CAB line but this only deals with civil remedies like restraining orders. Next week I have an appointment with a CAB vulnerable persons advisor (I can’t believe I have become someone classed as vulnerable…). Maybe she can help.
At the moment KIP’s words are resonating with me about reporting as means of moving on but I will keep thinking.
Thank you all so much and I do hope things improve for everyone. X

[KIP.]

Victim support advertise that they can help you even if you haven’t reported the crime so I’d get a second opinion there. You could ask to talk to an officer from the domestic abuse unit in the police too x

[KIP.]

Have you used Claire’s Law to discover if he has any previous convictions for domestic abuse? Talk to the police about that too x

[Anonymous]

Hi there, I’m so sorry to read what you’ve been through and how it’s left you feeling. You seem like an incredibly strong person. I can see you’ve had lots of great advice on here. I just thought I’d say that even thinking about this decision is part of your moving on process. Whatever you decide. You can move on either way. Is there a timescale for making this decision? If not then you can allocate some time now to your thoughts, perhaps write down in a journal and then come back to it at another specified time. Journal your thoughts again and so on. Just so you feel you’re making progress and not being held back emotionally by an pressure on yourself to decide. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense?!!!

[Anonymous]

Thank you.
KIP I know he had a DBS check for work so has no criminal convictions. I don’t know whether anybody else has ever flagged him up to the police. It is one of the things I can ask. Thank you for the helpful suggestion.
Thanks Livinginhope. I don’t feel very strong although I am a lot stronger than I was. For the last 2 years of the relationship I woke each morning wondering if that was the day I would die. The frightening thing looking back is that I was resigned to this, no fight in me. I’m particular, every time I got in a car with him I thought there was a good chance that was it. He would totally lose it and drive incredibly fast, dangerously, hitting steering wheel, screaming, not looking at the road, doing three point handbrake turns in the road all because I had put my hand on the door handle or looked nervous. Anybody else had the car rage thing? I just had to have my hands in lap and be calm the whole time.
I will make some more notes and keep thinking. Keep safe. X

[Author]

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