1st April 2016 at 12:26 pm #12644
in a difficult moment.
I slept badly last night, drank some coffee in the day which is probably why, so today I feel dreadful, very slow to get going. I’ve got to go out for things we need for this family event tomorrow and I keep thinking, I can’t do it. What’s horrible for me is I have many memories of my mum not being able to do things. She would often ‘just feel weak’. And I can’t bear to think of myself like that. She has got one chronic health problem, but the weakness thing I’m sure was emotional. It’s like a kind of giving up and it makes me feel depressed to sense it in myself and really feel I can’t do anything about it. It takes me back to depressing times with Mum, which I have s fear of repeating for my daughter.
1st April 2016 at 1:15 pm #12649Confused123Participant
Take small baby steps, get the support u need so you can be there for your daughter, hardest bot is facing our fear
2nd April 2016 at 8:11 am #12725SerenityParticipant
These events that you feel ‘forced’ to go to, with all sorts of relatives present, are always worrying.
Before you go, write on a piece of paper who you think you are, or aspire to be, now. For example: emotionally open but strong; your own person; courageous; independent….keep that bit of paper with you all day, and keep looking at it when you need to.
Realise that you aren’t your mum: you have learned lessons she hasn’t and you’ve grown more than she has.
Don’t divulge sensitive information at this event to nose you can’t trust to be understanding, discreet or supportive.
Don’t overstay, so that you end up exhausted. Set yourself a time limit. Create boundaries for yourself.
2nd April 2016 at 8:28 am #12726
Thanks Serenity, I love that idea. Going to try it.
3rd April 2016 at 9:10 pm #12900
Had a mostly lovely day. I had my piece of paper and looked at it once only, but it helped to have it with me.
It was a day with lots of potential triggers, but for most of it I couldn’t stop smiling, which was a fantastic feeling. It did take me back to a time when I thought I felt happy to be with my ex. In fact he was threatened by my happiness, wasnt he?
I did have a little bit to drink and knew it would affect me because of the antidepressants and it has. That would have ok but today my son wanted to change plans and do something tomorrow which was planned for today. This was fine but my daughter can’t do tomorrow. It’s all fine, I’ll still be available for him, but perhaps won’t want to stay as long,but when I rang him and he ran it by his girlfriend I heard saying something about not being organised and selfish, referring either to me or my daughter. I told my son is heard this and he was a bit embarrassed and we just said see you tomorrow. My son and I are very careful not to upset each other. We know what we’ve been through. Now I’ve got to spend time with him and his girlfriend. I think she’s rude and it will be hard not to say something. I feel he’s stuck in the middle. I, as a typical abuse victim, hate this kind of atmosphere or of feeling angry with someone.
We had such a lovely day yesterday the three of us. Not sure how to deal with the girlfriend, especially if she’s not going to try to be respectful.
3rd April 2016 at 10:19 pm #12915SerenityParticipant
So glad the paper thing helped, and that you had a good day! This helps me, too!
A lady at my DV support group had older twin sons and another child,mall of whom witnessed the dreadful aggression and abuse of her ex ( who has now died).
Her heart is broken, as one of the teens has a perpetrator girlfriend, who shouts she is abusive to everyone, including her boyfriend and his little brother.
My friend is so worried for her son. She feels that his experience of abuse as a child led him to repeat the pattern and find a perpetrator for a partner.
However, his twin has a lovely girlfriend- and yet he went through the same.
Our DV leader said that people cope with their experiences in different ways. If they are a giving personality, they may put up with the abuse for longer, but in the end, the abuse will wreck the relationship. It just takes longer for some to realise or gather the strength to leave.
I suppose all you can do is carry on living by your own standards, do things that make you happy, refuse to take the blame for things that aren’t your fault and show strength and fortitude in moving forward in your own life. This will give your son a role model to emulate.
If the family were together yesterday, the girlfriend might feel that she has been left out, and is throwing her toys out of the pram, in a fit of possessiveness! Don’t you or your daughter take the blame! x*x
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