19th November 2023 at 7:58 pm #163362TwixParticipant
I’ve not posted for quite some time, I felt I was turning a corner almost a year after we’d separated but things have taken a turn & my ex has sadly passed away.
Many of you will have read my posts & know the background & even knowing what I know now about what I’d experienced it doesn’t change the grief & despair at losing a husband & father to your child.
It was alcohol abuse & his body gave up, long before I feel he was prepared to go.
I’ve been a mess, my son has lost his dad & there are so many what ifs that run through my mind.
What I do know is that the decision to drink was his & his alone. Nobody forced him yet he chose this as a way of self medicating for a mental health problem that also lead to him being abusive. I feel like the guilt of what he put me through ate him up inside. Or was it the heartbreak at what he’d realised he’d lost. I don’t know.
He was my everything & I now find myself trying to navigate the world in a completely different way to that I’d imagined.
We never got the speak to one another before he passed due to a restraining order, but I did get to be with him in his final moments, which I’m glad I got. I was able to forgive him, to tell him I loved him & that he should go in peace.
It’s such a hard process with all
Of the mixed emotions but I’m trying my best to be the best mum I can.
Much love to you all xx
19th November 2023 at 8:52 pm #163368swanlakeParticipant
That does sound a mixture of complex emotions.
My abuser is a heavy user of substances but they are not yet dead by some miracle.
I wonder if you have had any specialist domestic abuse counselling or might consider some or having more sessions? I had grief counselling within domestic abuse counselling and I wonder if it was more helpful than general grief counselling as the bereavement is complicated by the abuse.
Most of all I am so sorry for your loss
19th November 2023 at 8:57 pm #163369TwixParticipant
Thank you x I do feel specific counselling would be useful to access, sadly it’s a waiting game with referral rates being at an all
Time high. I’m accessing counselling for my son as well he has SEN and is struggling to process everything.
Addiction is so hard & when it chooses you only you can choose to fight it, nobody else can help no matter now hard we try x
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