Guilt

[selfish]

How do you deal with the guilt of knowing you are making plans to leave, but husband is in the calm positive stage of the cycle and talking about plans for the future with the kids. I have this constant pit in my stomach, as I’ve made up my mind I want to leave, and now as I’m pulling away, he’s being nicer to me. I saw a YouTube video about cycles of abuse, especially gaslighting and coercive control, and how there is always a phase of calm before the unsettled period begins again. In the past I would thrive on the calm period, but this time I just feel sick and guilty that I’m the one that’s going to break the family up. As most people realise, the horrible times it’s so easy to want to leave, but then the calm times I wonder was it me, and I just thought it was worse.
I’ve now began to think of a future where I can make my own decisions, decorate how I want to, go where I want to, dress how I want to, raise the kids how I want to, and every time I’m criticised or called a name, it just grates on me, but then I feel guilty as he seems happy and planning years and years into the future with us all. What if he doesn’t know what he is doing is wrong, he was brought up in a similar environment and maybe he thinks it’s normal, so therefore me leaving will come as more of a blow. Am I being cruel to plan to just leave one day with a note, as I can’t face him. I can’t keep living in this cycle for the rest of my life. I’m reaching an age that if I don’t leave soon I might never leave.
Sorry, it’s such a long post, I guess writing it down helps, and hopefully support from others going through the same situations helps so much.
X

[minimeerkat]

hello selfish (which you are not, by the way), its only natural that you would feel such guilt whilst he is on his best behaviour. its also natural to doubt yourself also – the contradictory/alternating behaviors have such an influence on why you feel this way.
you have obviously read that there will be calm times, but that they certainly will not last. so perhaps you already know from experience that an unpleasant phase will inevitably follow? if so, then your confidence in this particular cycle might then help you feel less guilty than you do right now.
i think an extremely important question to ask yourself when you mention his own upbringing is – if your partner was aware of just how much his behaviour is upsetting you, would he want to change/do something about it? would he even suggest getting help? and if your partner knew that if his behaviour continued you would have no other option but to leave, would he again want to change/do something about it?
i am sure that a lot of us have our own stories about our childhoods, which can naturally evoke empathy & sympathy in others. but hopefully if we were hurting or harming another person, we would be accountable, take responsibilty & want to get the necessary help if we needed it to become a better person.
thinking of you x

[nbumblebee]

This is me.
I feel this guilt even though im not able to leave i feel this guilt each and every time i come on here or i question is it abuse. Guilt i believe is what holds us still it eats away at us and stops us leaving. You cant let it happen to you.
Making that choice to leave is huge how amazing are you. Dont allow the mis placed guilt to stop you. This is not your fault the guilt is not yours to carry its his. X

[selfish]

Thank you so much for your very kind replies. ❤️
Mini meerkat, I would say in the past we have had moments where he’s said he knows he speaks badly to me, or doesn’t want to be like his father, but nothing changes. Even in this calm phase, I think it’s past the point of us trying. I’m done. I’m tired of being on high alert the whole time he’s in the house. I’m tired of worrying what his reaction will be, tired of his constant blaming and shaming. I want to put my energy into helping my kids and getting the best for them, not worrying about the reaction of someone who is meant to be a partner.
I never thought I’d ever get here nbumblebee, I’ve had years of thinking I was stuck, scared to let anyone know what was happening, for fear of his reaction if he found out. But I can’t explain it, but something switched and I started to realise I don’t have to live like this. On an earlier post I got such an amazing reply to say I was leaving an unhappy relationship, not committing murder. How he reacts or copes will no longer be my concern. Yes he won’t see the kids everyday, but I won’t ever keep them away from him. I will let him know who to contact to arrange contact. This is about my happiness, and keeping us all safe, not about punishing him by taking the kids away. I really hope you can find the strength you need to leave. I know it will be hard, and the sick feeling I get whenever he mentions something in the future makes me question everything, but I need to stay strong. Is it bad I wish he would just go back to his usual bully self, I am struggling most with being spoken to like a human, it’s been so long and in the past I’ve always been the one to over compensate, now the moment I’ve given up he seems the nicest he’s been in such a long time. I always thought he’d be overjoyed I left.
X*x

[Galabeee]

I could have written every word of your post- the guilt, feeling like I am secretly “plotting” something terrible (despite what has happened) . You are absolutely not “selfish” ……though I know how hard it is to believe..
I don’t have loads of advice…………I’m finding it incredibly difficult to be planning/ thinking of leaving whilst things are in a “nice” phase, like you say – being spoken to like a human . I can’t understand why the moment I talk about leaving (which is what it seems he’d be delighted with) the tables turn with how awful I’m being to him (including suggesting I “don’t love him” ) ………it is such a headf***k sometimes…..!!

[Selflove3]

I could’ve written this post. I’ve decided to leave but I’m trying to sort through the emotions. He’s on his best behaviour given a recent blow up where I spent (removed by moderator) hours crying while he told me what a bad mom and wife I was for wanting to go out dancing with my friends for a few hours. I did end up going but he kept escalating trying to keep me home. Threatened to leave. Told the kids he was packing his bags. Etc. now we are in the calm phase but he’s still harassing me about where I’ve been. Why I want to spend more time with my friends than him. Why dont I love him. Can’t I see how horrible I’m being and how much I’m hurting him. Meanwhile he can make plans left and right and it’s no issue. It’s awful. Don’t wait for the big push. You already know in your heart what the right answer is. You deserve unconditional love. You deserve happiness. You deserve room to breathe.

[Onlyintime]

I’m here, I’m thinking of asking him to go all the time, how I would say it without it escalating him. In the mean time he is fine, doing his normal, he has completely forgotten about his last escalation..which took maybe a year to happen, but it happened. I really don’t think I can deal with the guilt of him loosing his home and everything that comes with a split but at the same time why should we sacrifice our happiness for their guilt. I’m right here with u girls

[Hereforhelp]

Hi selfish (you’re certainly not that)

I would say be aware that your husband has likely sensed a shift in you and is altering his behaviour (talking/making future plans, being calm and nice) to reel you back… it is a tactic..

If he was raised in a similar environment and has acknowledged how it made him feel then he is aware of how is is hurting you.

Trust your gut, you have a right to be happy and live life for yourself.

❤️

[selfish]

Wow, thanks for all the replies, the support is so helpful. This ‘kindness’ he is displaying is so out of character and really messing with my head. Particularly towards one of our children that he hasn’t bonded with, he’s been more patient and played with them more than I can ever remember. It shouldn’t take me completely shutting down to experience this side, but it does reaffirm that it’s intentional abuse, and part of the cycle of control. Being able to write down and have kind people acknowledge that my thoughts and feelings are valid is the most helpful thing. Unless you have experienced this sort of relationship, it’s hard to understand the complexity of emotions it causes. Xx

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